It’s a date for dinner, not a commitment for life! That was my mom’s mantra when my sister and I were dating, to encourage us to date people that we might not otherwise. She also used it when we were asked out on second dates by guys that we felt kind of lukewarm about. In general I think that’s good advice, especially for people who are reluctant to date because they might not like the other person. But what if you just feel like something is off? How do you know when to trust your instincts or when you should give someone a second chance?
I feel like I see, and have experienced, the same scenario time and time again. Girl meets Boy. Boy does something moderately douchey on the first date that sets off some red flags. Girl talks to Friends. Friends encourage Girl not to give Boy a second chance. Boy is persistent and Girl decides to go on Date 2. Boy is Major Asshole on Date 2 and Girl wonders why she didn’t listen to her instincts.
Maybe some of these are obvious, but I think these tips are a good reminder of some of the first or second date Red Flags that you shouldn’t ignore.
1. Pressure For Sex: I know this should be a given. But so many smart and empowered women, even yours truly, have caved to the pressure for sex or written it off as “he was/we were just drunk” or “it’s just the game.” No. It’s not. A decent guy will never pressure you for sex and the minute he does is the minute you peace out.
2. Negging: Any guy who does this is following some sort of Pickup Artist/ Player Handbook or something. I have zero tolerance for this shit. Ladies, we need to band together to make sure that these guys are always leaving the bar ALONE. We get enough negative messages about ourselves without getting them from someone who is a potential date.
3. You ever, at any time, feel uncomfortable: I can’t tell you how many times I have been on dates and felt really awkward but caved to the feeling that it’s just me, or I’m being too sensitive, or I tell myself that I’m just looking for something wrong. The right person for you isn’t going to make you feel uncomfortable. If you’re ever out with someone and you start to feel uncomfortable fake an emergency text message or diarrhea or a bloody nose. Don’t worry about how you look, it’s all about your comfort.
4. Won’t meet you in a public place: Any time you’re meeting someone from the internet and you feel like you want to meet them in a public place the only appropriate response is, “OK. Sure. Just let me know where you feel most comfortable meeting and I would be happy to get together with you there.” Any response other than that is an automatic no with no second chances, not even if s/he gives in later.
5. Won’t leave your place: Listen, I’m no prude. I know that sometimes you meet up with someone for a first date and they come back to your place. Maybe for some chaste conversation. Maybe for some making out. Maybe for the hibbidy-dibbidy. But at any time you should be able to say, “It’s time for you to go now” and have them leave. Any statement other than “I’ve had a really nice time. I am leaving now and will talk to you soon.” is a first date red flag. That person does not get a second invite, no exceptions. I have made that mistake too many times and regretted it every time.
So commenters what are your first date deal breakers and red flags that guarantee no second date?