She’s My (Oil-Based, Artifically-Flavored) Cherry Pie

For this week’s column, we dug into our nightstand drawer in order to review all of the tasty (and not-so-tasty) sex accessories we’ve collected. Flavored condoms and dental dams can make practicing safer sex (or at least oral sex and rimming) a little more fun and fruity, and warming flavored massage oil can really hit the spot on an otherwise cold and snowy day. Before we jump into the reviews, though, a word of warning. Basically, besides the dental dam, keep these products away from your vagina. Flavored condoms are not meant for vaginal sex (trust us – only made that mistake once), and most flavored lubes, gels, and oils contain sugar or glycerin; some women have no problem with these products, but if your lady parts are sensitive or if you’re prone to yeast infections and even UTIs, getting some flavored lube in the wrong spot can be a recipe for disaster. If we’re using a flavored lube or giving each other massages with flavored oil, we make sure to wash any body parts that come in contact with it before doing anything involving paperispatient’s bits. It may interrupt the flow of things a little, but a yeast infection interrupts our groove more.

Hot Stuff Warming Massage Oil (Cherry)

A little bit of this edible massage oil goes a long way, and it was fairly inexpensive. We both have somewhat sensitive skin, and neither of us found the oil irritating. It’s definitely better to be on the receiving end of a massage with the stuff, though – it feels sticky and almost syrup-like on the massage-giver’s hands (“And tastes like Robitussin.” – future Mr. paperispatient), but it feels pleasantly slick for the massage-receiver. It warms nicely when breathed on, and the tube suggests running it under some hot water just before using so that it feels warm the whole time. It’s a nice, relaxing addition to a shoulder or back rub, and if you’re feeling friskier you can try rubbing it on each other’s nipples (or on your partner’s bits, if he’s male-bodied). Because it’s oil, you’ll want to make sure you don’t use this in conjunction with any products containing latex.

Wet Flavored Lubricant (Passion Fruit Punch)

We’re both fans of some of Wet’s other products, and they’re pretty widely available (we’ve seen them not only in sex shops but also in drugstores and grocery stores). This water-based lube is covered with pictures of delicious-looking fruit that, unfortunately, the lube tastes nothing like. It doesn’t taste bad or gross, it just tastes like what it is – something that’s artificially fruit-flavored. Future Mr. paperispatient had no complaints being on the receiving end, but it didn’t really add anything exceptional to the experience. Paperispatient found the lube a bit sticky, and given the nature of oral sex it didn’t last very long, which was fine with her.

Trustex Flavored Condoms and Proper Attire Flavored Condoms

We gathered these from the local Planned Parenthood and were impressed at the wide variety of flavors available. We tried out a chocolate Proper Attire condom and strawberry, cola, vanilla, and mint Trustex condoms. The perfect flavored condom would be a combination of the two brands. The Proper Attire condom was decently lubricated (in fact, a bit too much) while the Trustex ones, despite being labeled as lubricated, felt completely dry. The chocolate Proper Attire condom tasted good enough, like semisweet chocolate, and the flavor lasted longer than the Trustex condoms. As for the Trustex flavors, it’s really hit-or-miss; strawberry tasted very mild, cola was vaguely medicinal and more reminiscent of Irish cream (no complaint there, but unexpected), and vanilla and mint tasted pretty good. (Also, the condoms’ various shades of pink and brown at least vaguely resemble some human skin tones, but the bright green of the mint and inexplicable blue of the vanilla may compel one’s partner to make lightsaber noises. Just sayin’.) They all felt the same to future Mr. paperispatient, while paperispatient compared them to putting a flavored sandwich bag in her mouth.

Sheer Glyde Dams

We also obtained these dental dams from our local college’s wellness center, but we know that Planned Parenthood also offers them and that they can be ordered from the manufacturer’s homepage as well as from Amazon. We tried the strawberry and wildberry flavors, and the latex was much smoother and silkier than the latex of the flavored condoms. The flavor was milder, lasted longer, and didn’t taste quite so artificial.

What about you? Have you tried an edible massage candle that was just fantastic or taste a lube so gross it made you nauseated? Share your own reviews in the comments!

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Got a ques­tion or subject you’d like us to dis­cuss? You can e-mail us at FriskyFeminist@persephonemagazine.com, and we’ve also set up a Tum­blr for the sole pur­pose of receiv­ing com­pletely anony­mous ques­tions here.

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paperispatient

I recently earned my MA in women’s studies. I enjoy reading, working out, playing Scrabble, watching cheesy movies, and cooking yummy vegetarian meals with my partner and Frisky Feminist co-author, Future Mr. paperispatient.

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