Versus

This is a fun game I like to play where I compare two things that are somewhat similar and determine which one is better. And by determine, I mean arbitrarily and capriciously declare based on my subjective preferences. Let’s begin”¦
“Country Death Song” by the Violent Femmes vs. “The Rake’s Song” by The Decemberists.
Winner: Violent Femmes. “Country Death Song” is way more awesome. The end.

Sebring vs. PT Cruiser. Winner: Cruiser. They’re both Chryslers, so that sucks, but the PT Cruiser has more head room.

Bill Paxton vs. Bill Pullman. Winner: Paxton. He’s just more relevant somehow.

ABC’s “According to Jim” vs. CBS’s “Still Standing”. Winner: I can’t actually make myself care enough to declare a winner.

Squirrel vs. rat. Winner: rat. Rats are more straight-forward. It’s deceitful the way squirrels run around in their little fur coats pretending they’re not vermin. (ed. – that’s what I always say!)

Loveseat vs. chaise lounge. Winner: loveseat. Chaise lounges are stuck up.

Man cardigan vs. sweater vest. Winner: sweater vest. The sweater vest plays an important role in a school uniform. The man cardigan plays an important role never.

Crocs vs. Vibram Five Fingers
. Winner: Crocs. Until Vibram Five Fingers you probably thought there was nothing worse than Crocs.

Butter vs. margarine. Winner: tie. Butter is way more delicious, but margarine comes in a tub, so”¦.

Fantasy Football vs. World of Warcraft. Winner: Fantasy Football. People who play Fantasy Football are more likely to do activities outside of the house too. Even if its just mowing the lawn.

Buffy vs. True Blood. Winner: viewing public. If only Buffy and True Blood would make a baby together.

Colgate vs. Crest. Winner: Colgate. It has a university named after it.

Raccoon vs. badger. Winner: panda.

Vampire vs. zombie. Winner: zombie. As my friend Amber recently pointed out, even though vampires are much cooler than zombies, zombies seem more plausible. That makes them win.

Butternut squash vs. zucchini. Winner: zucchini. Both of these gourds are healthy, delicious, and well suited to pasta dishes. But one of them (rhymes with schmutternut schmash) has gotten a liiiiitle big for its britches. Showing up at all the hot restaurants, appearing in folksy but modern tablescapes, starring in its own soup. Don’t forget where you came from, nut squash! I remember when you were face down in the dirt with the rest of us!

Damask vs. toile. Winner: the only people who care about this are sitting on tiny furniture in their French Country kitchens polishing filigree picture frames. They won’t read this, they scarcely have time for the frames, what with a torte AND a baked brie in the works.

Grape juice vs. orange juice.
Winner: grape juice. It’s more dangerous, it could stain. That makes it the rebel’s choice.

Knuckle bump vs. high five. Winner: you need to stop doing both of these, actually.

Winking vs. making people uncomfortable in some other way. Winner: winking. Do it.

Facebook vs. Twitter. Winner: Friendster. Because it’s still hangin’ in there. Forty new users in Belgium every day.

Ukulele vs. piccolo. Winner: mini is cute, no matter what, so this hard, but ukulele wins for two reasons: 1) it’s Hawaiian, which makes me feel mellow; and 2) because ukuleles exist, the music genre ukulele noir exists.

Saw V vs. Hostel II. Winner: indecency.

“Friends with benefits” vs. “fudge buddies” (yeah, I said “fudge”, I don’t need my mother, or Linda Ellerbee, chastising me for using the f-word). Winner: friends with bennies. It’s a seemingly subtle distinction, but in a friends with benefits scenario friendship comes first and itch-scratching comes second. The result is a fairly dignified accommodation between two people who care about each other. With fudge buddies, you’ve basically just got two people who like fudging together and maybe don’t even like each other otherwise. That just reeks of Virginia Slims, desperation, and Aqua Net hairspray.

Listing things that are similar (somewhat) vs. working. Winner: these things are not actually very similar, but I think you can guess which one I prefer.

If you disagree with any of the above conclusions, my advice to you is: BEND TO MY WILL.

24 thoughts on “Versus”

  1. Lies! Raccoons are so much more awesome than pandas!
    I mean, they chitter and use their paws like tiny hands and can chew through walls and possibly break locks! They’re smart beasties. Pandas just lay around.
    Also, why can’t I be one of those people with the baked brie?

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