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The Grammar Bitch: Nerd Fights
On February 22, 2011 at 1:30 pm in Writing
”Correct English is the slang of prigs who write history and essays.” -George Eliot, Middlemarch
Language is an ever-changing, always-evolving, living thing. The rules we learn as children may not be the same rules we follow as adults. Every day, words are created and brought into common usage as others fall from fashion and become outdated. It’s no wonder, then, that people who concern themselves with language and words, and all of the ways we are and aren’t supposed to use them, can’t ever seem to agree on certain things. Some grammar battles have been raging since long before any of us were alive to know about them. Some are more recent, developing as we try to regulate how we interact with new words and new formats. The one constant with common grammar fights, though, is that everyone knows their opinion is the right one.
There are a few grammar battles I encounter on a near-daily basis. I picked some of the trickier ones; ones that have legitimate and accepted arguments for both sides. Since I’m writing this column, though, I’m going to tell you why I’m right, and you’re welcome to duke it out with me in the comments.
The Oxford comma: Well, Vampire Weekend, I give a fuck about an Oxford comma.
I’ll just jump right in with this one. If you don’t see me around here after this, it’s because this is the one thing that our beautiful, intelligent, and benevolent editor-in-chief and I violently disagree about. Not sure what an Oxford comma is? Look back two sentences. It’s the comma after the word “intelligent.” An Oxford comma (also called a serial comma or Harvard comma) is the comma used before the final item in a list of three or more words. That same phrase without the Oxford comma would read like this: “… our beautiful, intelligent and benevolent editor-in-chief …”
I use the Oxford comma because I feel it adds clarity and makes a list of many items easier to understand. Leaving it out can often lead to the impression that the final two items in the list are linked together instead of being separate. One of the most hilarious and famous examples of the lack of an Oxford comma causing ambiguity comes from The Times, a British paper, describing a documentary: “… highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.” The intention may not have been to identify Nelson Mandela as a demigod and a collector of sex toys, but the addition of an Oxford comma would have cleared that right up.
Is “alright” ever all right? No. “But …” No. Two words. Eight letters and a space.
One space or two after end punctuation? One. I’m going to come out and admit it, though: this one is difficult for me. I’m old, you see, and I learned to type on a manual typewriter, which is where this rule originates. The death of the typewriter and the rise of computers and variable-width fonts has made this rule obsolete. All of the major style guides, including The Chicago Manual of Style and the AP Stylebook, agree that only one space should be used after punctuation at the end of a sentence. And honestly, the AP is the most inflexible and old-fashioned of the style guides, so if they say one space, I say one space.
Sentence fragments and contractions: Love ‘em. I’m a huge proponent of conversational writing in all but the most formal or academic pieces. I think readers can process your words more easily if you write as closely to how you speak as possible. I’ve been known to edit contractions into writers’ pieces to give them an easier flow for reading. Writing shouldn’t come across as technical if it’s not a technical piece. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been reading an article on fashion or a blog post about someone’s vacation and it reads like Data from Star Trek: the Next Generation wrote it. Don’t be afraid of contractions. Or fragments. It’s likely how your audience speaks, and it’ll make your writing easier and more enjoyable for them to read.
Ending sentences with a preposition: Oh, hell, I’ve already done that at least twice in this post. Prepositions are words like, “at,” “of,” “in,” “around,” “on,” and “from.” There’s a long-held grammar rule that you shouldn’t end a sentence with one. Going back to my preference for an easily understood conversational style, I usually choose to tell that “rule” to go fuck itself. I personally don’t say things like, “The Oxford comma is something about which my editor-in-chief and I disagree.” It’s stilted, it’s unnatural, and it doesn’t flow well. Most grammarians agree: this rule is not one you need to pay attention to.
How about you, readers? Do you violently disagree with me on any of these rules? Are there others you feel strongly about? Let me know in the comments.
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La Belle Amélie said on February 22, 2011 at 9:56 pm
TEAM OXFORD COMMA!
Lizzie said on February 23, 2011 at 12:45 pm
I agree. I want a TEAM OXFORD T-shirt.
scarletwine said on February 22, 2011 at 7:11 pm
I will defend the Oxford comma until the day I die.
Also: alot. (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html)
Kathy said on February 22, 2011 at 6:03 pm
Coming from a family who’s native language isn’t English on one side, and on the other where few made it through high school, let alone college, I’m inclined to let a lot slide. All right as a single world bothers me. (You wouldn’t say “allwrong,” would you?.” Alot is another. (Alittle?) My biggest grammar or spelling pet peeve is definitely spelled definATEly.
mxandb said on February 22, 2011 at 5:10 pm
This may be off topic…
When I first heard the Vampire Weekend song, I thought ‘Oxford commas’ were some sort of tie or scarf. (I’m not from around these parts, ya’ll) So, calling the last comma in a list seems funny to me. While confusion will never fade, it will only become more hilarious.
Scarfs. Ha.
(Oh, and I love me some good fragmented sentences!)
[E] pileofmonkeys said on February 22, 2011 at 9:40 pm
Well, they do have a song (“Horchata”) that references a balaclava, so I can see how you might think that!
bookwormy said on February 22, 2011 at 5:05 pm
Ending sentences with a preposition is okay in my book, if fact, I promote it!
Oxford comma, hmmm, we’ll agree to disagree. Though, I will say I see where you’re coming from.
Rude And Not Ginger said on February 22, 2011 at 4:59 pm
I’m also a supporter of Oxford commas. They make sentences clearer, and I will always use them.
AC IP said on February 22, 2011 at 4:35 pm
I love sentence fragments. And the Oxford comma. And informal language.
But I hate the two-spaces thing; it drives me insane. My partner does it, and when I edit things for him or what not, I secretly take out all of the second spaces. He doesn’t notice either way.
[M] freckle said on February 22, 2011 at 4:04 pm
This is the first time I ever heard about Ending sentences with a preposition as a grammar rule. Commas and me don’t have a good relationship, so I can disagree with you for a little bit about Oxford commas.
Of this list, my biggest pet peeve is the double space. It makes any block of text look wobbly and out of balance.
Mona Se Queda said on February 22, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Oxford comma supporter here!
Also, I was taught to put two spaces after a period, and I still do. It may just be habit now, but I will believe it to always be correct- screw you APA!
[E] Selena MacIntosh said on February 22, 2011 at 3:40 pm
Ha! Have I told you I also agree with Kurt Vonnegut about the semi-colon?
I will use an Oxford when I think it helps the clarity of a sentence. A comment below was listing ice cream flavors, thus using the word ‘and’ several times in the same sentence. That’s a great time for an Oxford! If I’m listing simple words, however, it seems redundant and unnecessary. To wit:
I need to get milk, eggs and bread at the store. The comma after milk stand in for ‘and’ and marks a nice pause point. Say the sentence aloud. I bet you pause longer between ‘milk’ and ‘eggs’ than you do between ‘eggs’ and ‘and.’
Additionally, although it really doesn’t matter on the web, it takes up space for no good reason.
I’m so glad you’re OK with fragments. I read the comments first and I was half afraid to see a list of things I do when I write in the post. : )
Queenjulie said on February 22, 2011 at 5:55 pm
@Selena–But that’s so inconsistent! As an editor, one of my goals is to make the writing as consistent as possible, which means definitely NOT having some sentences have serial commas and some not having them. Just the thought of that kind of makes me twitchy.
BaseballChica03 said on February 22, 2011 at 3:23 pm
LONG LIVE THE OXFORD COMMA. Our Communications Director and I fight over it all the time. She has a journalism background, and apparently it is a big no no in the journalism field.
I dedicate this comment to my parents, Janis Joplin and God.
BaseballChica03 said on February 22, 2011 at 3:28 pm
(Janis Joplin happened to be what was playing on my iTunes at the time. I realize it’s a very old joke, but it’s a hilarious one.)
Speaking of it’s, it baffles my mind how often people misuse its/it’s and apostrophes in general. It is not that hard, people!
[E] pileofmonkeys said on February 22, 2011 at 5:35 pm
I was going to do a post on apostrophes, but I don’t think my blood pressure can take it.
[E] Selena MacIntosh said on February 22, 2011 at 4:01 pm
You come from good stock. You can sing the blues and make a platypus out of thin air. Those are seriously marketable skills.
BaseballChica03 said on February 22, 2011 at 4:54 pm
It is a pity that we don’t have a Comment of the Day because I would nominate the hell out of that, editor or not! :)
Stephanie said on February 22, 2011 at 3:09 pm
PoM, you have my heart <3
[E] pileofmonkeys said on February 22, 2011 at 5:35 pm
Grammar soul twins!
Nichole Wilson said on February 22, 2011 at 2:56 pm
I agree with you on pretty much all of these, but… The Oxford comma? I don’t really care. I was taught not to do it, so I don’t. I didn’t realize until last year that this was something grammar geeks (which I consider myself to be) are passionate about. I can appreciate that sometimes it is necessary, like in the example you included. Ninety-nine percent of the time, though, I don’t notice if a writer uses Oxford commas or not.
thegirlfrom said on February 22, 2011 at 2:25 pm
When quoting things written by other people, I am often guilty of inserting Oxford commas. When they’re not there sentences just look unfinished! Also I like to be consistent.
Anna C said on February 22, 2011 at 2:06 pm
I can’t bring myself to write prepositions into the end of sentences unless it becomes really uncomfortable to do it differently. I also do this in speech, though, so it’s not as if it’s out of character for me.
I feel this post needed an Alot, though.
[E] pileofmonkeys said on February 22, 2011 at 5:36 pm
Every post needs an Alot! We can’t do pictures in comments yet, or I’d put an Alot here, looking perplexed at my Very Strong Opinions about commas.
AtomiClash said on February 22, 2011 at 2:05 pm
One of the first grammatical changes I made at my job was to instate the Oxford comma. This place couldn’t decide which to use, so it would occasionally appear in publications, but was never consistent. This drove me absolutely insane, so I just decided we were going to use it. I’m a low lady on ladder here, but I think everyone else was relived when someone made a decision, any decision!
Likewise, it took me ages to use one space after the period. I was taught the double space, and a graphic designer friend of mine with a penchant for typography finally convinced me otherwise. It’s been three years, but the double space will rear its ugly head from time to time.
One punctuation mark that makes me incensed at its use and abuse is the em dash. People have somehow gotten this punctuation mark into their heads and use it instead of semi-colons, commas, and periods. I like conversational writing a lot, but the em dash should only rarely be used (if ever)! I once only half-jokingly threatened to take the hyphen key off my boss’s keyboard.
Personally, I overuse parentheses. I make asides look like the body of a paragraph half the time. It’s something I”m working on… oh, and I overuse elipses.
Mildly related: the head honcho where I work says “excetera” rather than “et cetera.” She used to be an English teacher. Grrrrrr.
Lisa M. said on February 22, 2011 at 2:21 pm
I love asides, but try to do as many of mine in commas as I can so that the parentheses still look special.
And now I feel ashamed because I forget what that type of comma is really called. I know that when I taught it to seventh-graders, we called it a “kick-out” comma, because you can kick what’s in it right out of your sentence if you want to.
[E] pileofmonkeys said on February 22, 2011 at 5:40 pm
I tend to abuse semicolons. I try to be mindful of parentheses, ellipses, and em dashes (you can always tell posts I’ve edited, because I actually go into the HTML and put in the mdash code). And, yeah, I realize I just contradicted myself with the parenthetical aside there.
OneBigPear said on February 22, 2011 at 5:51 pm
I love the em dash. I use it all the time — like, a lot!
Queenjulie said on February 22, 2011 at 1:58 pm
I think the reason the one-space/two-space after a period issue is still around is because people don’t understand the reason for it–they think it’s just an arbitrary rule.
If you’re one of them, here’s the deal: Capital letters come in different widths. Some are narrow, like “I” and some are wide, like “M.” On a typewriter, if you only put one space after a period, and then type a capital “M,” it’ll run over into your space and make it look like there’s no space between your sentences. So two spaces are necessary to prevent that.
Computers, however, are smart: They know which letters are wide and which are narrow, and change the width of the space according to what letter comes after it. Therefore, only one space is needed.
Et voila! The issue is settled; no more arguments about numbers of spaces are ever needed again. :)
[E] pileofmonkeys said on February 22, 2011 at 5:41 pm
I was going to get into the fixed-width letter thing, but figured no one else would care about typographical history. I’m glad I was wrong!
Go Team Word Nerds!
Queenjulie said on February 22, 2011 at 1:55 pm
Are there people who actually think “alright” is all right? That is, people who know that you can spell it “all right” but still think “alright” is correct (as opposed to those who just don’t know how to spell it)? I hope not!
Sophie said on February 22, 2011 at 2:39 pm
Emm – I think ‘alright’ was how I was taught to spell it by every English teacher I ever had (English is my second language). I’m almost ashamed to admit whenever the Word spellchecker complained about that spelling I blamed it on malfunctioning software.
Nichole Wilson said on February 22, 2011 at 2:58 pm
I am sorry to inform you that those people do exist, and they are everywhere.
paperispatient said on February 22, 2011 at 1:46 pm
I use the Oxford comma because I feel it adds clarity and makes a list of many items easier to understand. Leaving it out can often lead to the impression that the final two items in the list are linked together instead of being separate.
I passionately agree with you on this. I’m always reminded of how much I love the Oxford comma when I’m listing something like my favorite ice cream flavors – “Cinnamon Bun, Chubby Hubby, Milk and Cookies and Cookies and Cream” just looks goofy and totally unclear.
I’m with you on the fragments too. I’m also a big fan of dashes, even in academic papers. I admit that I don’t completely understand the difference between the en and em dashes but I’ve never been told I was doing it wrong, so maybe I just shouldn’t overthink it? (Or maybe nobody else knows either.)
Lisa M. said on February 22, 2011 at 1:46 pm
I will defend the use of the Oxford comma until the end of my days. During my brief stint teaching English, I made sure the students knew what it was and that, if their writing was at all unclear due to a missing Oxford comma, they’d be marked off for it.
I also refuse to use the 16,000 recent “rule exceptions” for noun modifiers that either no longer need a hyphen or have been smooshed into one word. It’s “ice-cream,” and I refuse to spell it any other way. The one concession I will make is to spell “potbelly” as one word.
AtomiClash said on February 22, 2011 at 2:09 pm
I always love going to Stephen Colbert’s explanation of how to properly use hyphens for noun modifiers. Nazi-treasure hunters versus Nazi treasure-hunters.
The second you throw Nazis in there, people get it.