I could go on for ages about the various garments I want to wrap around a big, dead fish to send a message to the fashion industry: fringe jackets sleep with the fishes. I’m rereading The Godfather for the hundredth time, I can’t help myself. But I’m trying a thing wherein I channel my thoughts towards the things I love, rather than the things I hate, so here are a few trends that I’ll never give up, never let down, and never surrender.
I’m not gonna lie, I get kind of sad when I have to ride public transportation or walk around busy streets after dark when it’s no longer socially acceptable to hide my face with big, bug-eyed sunglasses. Big sunglasses are my shield from the world. The bigger your sunglasses, the more impassive you can be. That weird moment when you meet a stranger walking the opposite direction on the street and you don’t know whether to lock eyes or to glance away and for how long? Gone. Totally gone. You can judge people as much as you want, and as long as your mouth doesn’t twitch they’ll never know. The trick to giant sunglasses is that you must wear them with aplomb. Don’t let people think for a second that you’re the teensiest bit ashamed of your ridiculous accessory. Carry yourself with an air of, “Yeah, I look like a bug – the kind that devours her partner after mating. Any questions?”
I have Things to Say about peep-toe boots, but since this is a post about the things I love, they can wait. I love boots in general. I love flat boots, boots with giant spiky heels, slouchy boots. I love boots. What I do not love about most boots is that they are not made for ladies with Cadillac-crushing legs. Cankles? Is putting it mildly for me. This isn’t self-deprecation, it is mere statement of fact: these legs were not made for boot-wearin’. The calves simply do not come wide enough. Ankle boots head this problem off at, well, the ankle. And for those of you who don’t have to worry about stuffing your skinny legs into sausage casings, consider that an ankle boot makes a much better seasonal transition shoe. Less sweaty, you know?
The empire waist
Sure, it is not always the most flattering of silhouettes, especially if you have a natural waist worth writing home about (I don’t), but it is always the most comfortable. Pregnant? Empire waist. Bloaty? Empire waist. Have to sit for an excruciating period in an awkward position, for instance in the stadium bleachers at your younger sibling’s graduation (cough)? Empire waist. The empire waist will never betray you. It will behave through all your weight fluctuations, in summer or winter, at formal occasions and pizza and movie nights. What was good enough for Jane Austen is good enough for me.
Sequins. Enough said.
Don’t try to tell me that brown/grey/taupe is the new black. There is only one black. Maybe it’s my background as a theater techie, or maybe it’s how well it matches my heart, but black has my loyalty now and forever. Sure, I have flings with color. Last summer if it came in bright pink I bought it in bright pink, but that kind of fleeting relationship can’t last. Sooner or later I will be glaring at my pile of pink garments wishing I had that damn skirt in black. You know what matches black? Everything. And more black. Buy it in black; you won’t regret it.
While I’m sitting over here in my black empire waist dress with black sequined cardigan, my black ankle boots, and my big black sunglasses until the end of time, what are you clinging to and stocking up on just in case it ever goes out of style?
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