Trends You Can Pry from My Cold, Dead Fingers

I could go on for ages about the various garments I want to wrap around a big, dead fish to send a message to the fashion industry: fringe jackets sleep with the fishes. I’m rereading The Godfather for the hundredth time, I can’t help myself. But I’m trying a thing wherein I channel my thoughts towards the things I love, rather than the things I hate, so here are a few trends that I’ll never give up, never let down, and never surrender.

Giant sunglasses

I’m not gonna lie, I get kind of sad when I have to ride public transportation or walk around busy streets after dark when it’s no longer socially acceptable to hide my face with big, bug-eyed sunglasses. Big sunglasses are my shield from the world. The bigger your sunglasses, the more impassive you can be. That weird moment when you meet a stranger walking the opposite direction on the street and you don’t know whether to lock eyes or to glance away and for how  long? Gone. Totally gone. You can judge people as much as you want, and as long as your mouth doesn’t twitch they’ll never know. The trick to giant sunglasses is that you must wear them with aplomb. Don’t let people think for a second that you’re the teensiest bit ashamed of your ridiculous accessory. Carry yourself with an air of, “Yeah, I look like a bug – the kind that devours her partner after mating. Any questions?”

Ankle boots

I have Things to Say about peep-toe boots, but since this is a post about the things I love, they can wait. I love boots in general. I love flat boots, boots with giant spiky heels, slouchy boots. I love boots. What I do not love about most boots is that they are not made for ladies with Cadillac-crushing legs. Cankles? Is putting it mildly for me. This isn’t self-deprecation, it is mere statement of fact: these legs were not made for boot-wearin’. The calves simply do not come wide enough. Ankle boots head this problem off at, well, the ankle. And for those of you who don’t have to worry about stuffing your skinny legs into sausage casings, consider that an ankle boot makes a much better seasonal transition shoe. Less sweaty, you know?

The empire waist

Sure, it is not always the most flattering of silhouettes, especially if you have a natural waist worth writing home about (I don’t), but it is always the most comfortable. Pregnant? Empire waist. Bloaty? Empire waist. Have to sit for an excruciating period in an awkward position, for instance in the stadium bleachers at your younger sibling’s graduation (cough)? Empire waist. The empire waist will never betray you. It will behave through all your weight fluctuations, in summer or winter, at formal occasions and pizza and movie nights. What was good enough for Jane Austen is good enough for me.


Sequins. Enough said.


Don’t try to tell me that brown/grey/taupe is the new black. There is only one black. Maybe it’s my background as a theater techie, or maybe it’s how well it matches my heart, but black has my loyalty now and forever. Sure, I have flings with color. Last summer if it came in bright pink I bought it in bright pink, but that kind of fleeting relationship can’t last. Sooner or later I will be glaring at my pile of pink garments wishing I had that damn skirt in black. You know what matches black? Everything. And more black. Buy it in black; you won’t regret it.

While I’m sitting over here in my black empire waist dress with black sequined cardigan, my black ankle boots, and my big black sunglasses until the end of time, what are you clinging to and stocking up on just in case it ever goes out of style?

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Kelsium lives in Southern California with her partner and collection of almost (almost!) kill-proof plants. She enjoys the beaches, but finds the lack of acceptable bagels distressing. She considers herself an expert in red lipstick and internet rage.

39 thoughts on “Trends You Can Pry from My Cold, Dead Fingers”

      1. @anna in the library I’ve had better luck with the wide calf boots at Torrid the last two years or so — they had some pretty cute ones this fall/winter that should go on clearance soon. Have you ever had a shoe tailor (cobbler! That’s the word) put a gusset in straight-sized boots? I’ve been able to rescue some boots I had when I was skinner this way — and it’s not too expensive. Certainly less expensive than getting them from Duo.

  1. Currently wearing: all black, ankle boots, giant sunglasses (or I was when I was outside.)
    In other words, I strongly agree with all of those things. Although as someone else with serious business calves, there are a bunch of brands that are making wide-calf boots. Also, lace-up boots are thankfully trending again, and those are delightfully adjustable.

    One thing I hope sticks around for a long time is the longer tunic-y shirt length – the kind that hits you at your hip.

  2. Maybe it has to do with me having a pretty clearly defined waist (it didn’t occur to me that might be it until reading this), but empire waist tops are tricky for me – if they’re not the perfect size and snugness, I somehow look both pregnant and prepubescent all at once. If they fit well, though, I greatly appreciate that they help give me the illusion of bustiness. ;)

      1. it also means that dresses of lengths that would cover a person of normal torsoage quite appropriately are completely questionable on me. The point at which I bend is so proportionally low that anything higher than the knee is going to show my hiney without much doing.

  3. Leggings! I admit I was slow to get back on this trend due to being forced to wear matching outfits with my sister in the early 90s, ( picture floral shirts & leggings with stirrups in obnoxious colors). I have since converted back and I wear ’em so much now that I can’t remember the last time I wore jeans. It may be becoming a problem.

  4. All of my sunglasses are big. For work I have to wear safety sunglasses and they are made for men and are on the small “traditional” side. I hate them. I think they make my face look weird. Bigger is better.

    I will also never give up straight/skinny jeans, cardigans and loose baggy tanks. Oh and ballet flats. You can pry my ballet flats from my cold dead hands

    I like empire waist dresses mostly because I am pear shape and a lot of empire waist dresses are adjustable on the top so I don’t have to tailor

  5. I also love the bug-sunglasses. I’m super light sensitive, and they’re able to cover my whole field of vision – how cool is that?

    Ankle boots are my jam. I can wear them with a cute dress for casual, or with work pants for being all business professional. Versatility!

    Camisoles. I don’t know if it’s a trend or not, but I am one of those people who is very uncomfortable when wearing only one shirt. My torso gets cold.

  6. Lace. Lace, lace, lace, lace, lace. I love it. When it’s “in season” I buy it all just so it will last through the next season when it’s “out.”

    But, you know, I don’t dress in it head to toe. It’s an accent piece that says “Hey, it may look like I’m shlumping it today but this lace tanktop peeking through? Totally classes up the joint.”

    Also, I just bought a pair of jellies (that are for real, comfortable). The last time I wore those I was 5. I am DELIGHTED that they are back. I may stock up.

  7. Don’t try to tell me that brown/grey/taupe is the new black. There is only one black… You know what matches black? Everything. And more black. Buy it in black; you won’t regret it.

    This is going to be my Facebook status in about 10 seconds (with proper credit of course).

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