The gym, by virtue of being a relatively small enclosed space that requires sharing, tends to bring out the worst in people. Here are my top-ten least favorite fitness foes.
Adonis – Adonis is my special nickname for the most obnoxious guy in my Zumba class. Don’t worry though, he goes to your gym, too. This guy is built, he spends a lot of time at the gym, and he loves it. He loves to let his long curly hair flow while he thrusts dramatically during Zumba. He loves to wear tight tank tops that show off not only his biceps, but his lustrous back hair. Adonis loves to dance at the front of the class, even though he is routinely going left when he should be going right. The instructor may point it out, but he doesn’t care because he is Adonis and he LOVES THE DAHNCE!
Sweaty Guy – This is the guy that if the only machine available is the one next to him, you just turn around and go home unless you brought your poncho. There was one at a gym I attended who actually had to place towels all around his machine, but that didn’t prevent him from flinging sweat all over his neighbors. Locker room gossip was that he spent time in the steam room prior to his workout. One can assume it was to maximize his personal precipitation. Sweat Guy may or may not be courteous enough to wipe down his machine after use.
Fickle Fred/Two-Pump Charlie – Fickle Fred and his compatriot Two-Pump Charlie are two sides of the same coin. Fickle Fred just can’t decide which machine he wants to use. Leg press? Maaaybe. He’ll walk over. Look at it. Touch it. Move on to “¦ hmm “¦ let’s see? Shoulder press? He’s always in the way and interrupting your routine. Two-Pump Charlie may be a Fickle Fred, or he may have a plan set out. A plan to do two reps at every machine. Usually at a much lighter weight than he could stand. TPC may be very dramatic about the whole procedure – wearing the weight lifting gloves and the whole shebang. He may also occupy the machine for a long time between two-pump sets.
Victoria’s Secret/Ed Hardy Model – The Ken and Barbie of the gym. Vickie wears head-to-toe PINK and never exercises without makeup. And for Ed, sunglasses inside are a must. Both are likely to answer their cell phone while on the treadmill. And to flirt with each other, non-stop. Vickie’s goal at the gym is to look as cute as possible while swinging her pony tail. Ed’s is to be the most visible gym-goer, and he usually succeeds.
Rulez Don’t Apply – 30-minute time limit on popular machines during busy hours? Not for this girl! You don’t understand, she NEEDS to run for a full hour or she doesn’t feel like she got a good workout! Oh, she sees you passive-aggressively glaring at her in the mirror but she does not care. You can wait for someone else’s machine, she is run-ning! Also liable to leave her towel on the floor of the locker room. Note: may inspire fitness fury in you if you get on the machine next to her and imagine the consequences of pushing her emergency stop button. “Work Out Summary, BITCH!”
Couch Potato – Just being at the gym burns calories right? Even if you’re just sitting on a machine, not using it in the slightest, and reading your Kindle? This guy hopes so!
Check Yo’self (Out) Guy – This is one of the most inexplicable to me, because of the dance that they all do. I have been to a number of gyms in a number of different areas, and the routine is always the same. Do a few curls. Strut towards the mirror. Flex or examine muscles. Strut back to weights. Lather, Rinse, Repeat. Check Yo’self may be an Adonis or an Ed Hardy model, but not always. Note: actual muscles not required.
The Grunter – Sometimes when I am trying to push myself at the gym, I envision a guy I saw on a treadmill one time yelling “Push It!” at himself. It doesn’t usually help me go faster, but I take comfort in knowing that at least I’m not that annoying.
Gossip Girls – At my gym, these women usually go to the classes to check out the hottie instructor. They spend the entire time talking about cheese fries and stop doing any exercise that’s the least bit challenging. They drain the motivation of both the class and hottie instructor. And they always make me want cheese fries.