Subject N insisted on being referred to as “Project Alpha” because he doesn’t like things in alphabetical order, but I do, so we’ll just go ahead and do both. Special thanks to Project Alpha/Subject N for answering these questions with absolutely no idea as to why he was being asked. He’s a good sport.
1. You’ve been given the power to invent a new ice cream flavor, what is it?
Cajun Cocoa. It’s a rich, chocolaty ice cream with Cajun spices to satisfy the ultimate sweet/savory/spicy craving for the discerning and demented palate.
2. You’re chosen to remake any movie originally made between 1975-1990. What movie do you remake and how do you cast it?
Ishtar. Recast with Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson, because they deserve nothing less.
3. What terrible song gets stuck in your head?
The Muzak version of “The Girl from Ipanema.” It’s not a terrible song, but a Muzak version will never leave your head. It’s torture.
4. Tell us about a woman who has been influential in your life.
My grandmother. Any positive quality, any gentlemanly trait, any good manners I have stem from her influence. I owe all of my good qualities to her.
5. What’s your favorite joke?
Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin’s existence.
6. A band is now following you around performing your personal soundtrack wherever you go, who are they, and what are they playing?
Fishbone. “Party at Ground Zero.”
7. Mad libs question! Give me the following:
Body part: pyloric sphincter
Celebrity: Nick Frost
Mad Libs results: My best feature is my rotund pyloric sphincter, which has been compared to fastidious spaetzle. Nick Frost may plummet slothily, but I rotate smartly!