Friends, it’s MAKEOVER WEEK on America’s Next Top Model! You know, the week every cycle when Tyra gives most of the girls really pretty new looks, but then dyes one model’s hair three shades of puke green, shaves off one of her eyebrows, replaces it with a winking tattoo of Linda Evangelista, and then declares the horrid aftermath “fierce.”
This girl has a 99.2% chance of going home. Tyra will say it’s because she didn’t “work” her terrible face tattoo, but really it’s because the unfortunate female is now an abomination unto the Lord, amen.
Our scene opens on the elegant ladies d’moddle discovering a large tassel hanging in their living room. No, not a boob tassel — this is a family show. It’s a golden curtain-type tassel that says “Pull Me.” And, since none of our TV friends have ever read Alice in Wonderland, they follow the drapery’s instructions, after they scream at it for a while. This show should be called America’s Next Top EEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHH!
ZOMG!!! A giant banner rolls down from the very heavens (or the ceiling) revealing all kinds of different hairstyles! But who will be chopped into what style????? The anticipation is
killing me making me itch mildly bugging me.
At least one of our intrepid moddles will have a total meltdown, resembling a wreck at the Daytona 500, only with less fire, and concerning hair. Let’s take our bets on which one, shall we?
Sara is afraid that with the wrong “˜do she’ll move from delightfully androgynous to spikily manly. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But she wants to be girly for once! Quick, get that woman to the Magic Kingdom, STAT for a princess-i-fying! I like Sara, so I hope she doesn’t freak out like me at a unicorn convention. That ain’t pretty. And it usually annoys the unicorns. HISSY-FIT LEVEL: 3
Ooooh, this girl has the most gorgeous freckles in the universe! I hope Tyra doesn’t make her bleach them or play connect-the-dots with them or anything else stupid. Unless the dots made a picture of Mr. Jay. That would be meta. HISSY-FIT LEVEL: 4.5
Monique is my vote, six minutes into the episode, for full-on-frontal freak-out. I really hope I’m right. SHE DOESN’T WANT TO BE A DUTCH BOY, OKAY??? I think that’s rude to Dutch people. And possibly boys. If I were a more competent blogger, I’d Google “Dutch boy hairstyle” to find out what it is. But I like to be surprised. HISSY-FIT LEVEL: 6.
The next day, the debutants o’the runway arrive at the Prive Salon in Hollywood. The Jays are there to greet them. Monique is even more petrified when they arrive. HISSY-FIT LEVEL: 7.
Directly after the makeovers, they’ll do a photo shoot, naturally. Their photog is
Noted Fashion Photographer Other Well-Known Lens Jockey Troy Jensen. Ty Ty popped his camera cherry! This is already a Very Special Episode, y’all.
Brittani got her hair chopped off without batting an eyelash. HISSY-FIT LEVEL: 0. (Damn it). She is the short Dutch boy! I have to say: GORGE.
Jaclyn, Miss Hyacinth Blossom 1967, got the big, girly, and curly. (Does that sound like a hot lesbian sex move to anyone else?) Oh, Jaclyn. Remember last week when the moddles were asked to draw their Deep Dark Feelings on a poster board and then yell at it to practice “acting”? (Meryl Streep does this every day, right after she polishes her Oscars.) Ondrei (who I was sorry to see go) told a harrowing tale of her poor brother who was murdered, and Miss Hyacinth Blossom 1967 told a harrowing tale of “ZOMG Y’ALL, MY CHEEKS ARE SO PUDGY!” and then everyone gathered around the tragically-faced girl to hum “We Shall Overcome”? Yeah, it stirred me in my Deep Dark Feelings place, which is located between my gag reflex and large intestine.
Well, I really want to hate Miss Hyacinth Blossom 1967, but I can’t. I keep imagining that her fairy godmother is Paula Deen, and that during May sweeps we’ll all discover that Paula stores butter in Miss Hyacinth Blossom 2011’s cheeks. Her mouth is magic, for the butter never melts! Miss Hyacinth Blossom 1967 will Learn a Lesson about cooking fats and loving herself, even though she is on America’s Next Top Model. Really, I just want Paula Deen to guest star and direct a photo shoot involving a giant Kitchenaid mixer.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Miss Hyacinth Blossom 1967 looked exactly the same after her makeover as she did before. TV at it’s finest, folks.
Monique got extensions. HISSY-FIT LEVEL: 0, SMUG I-ALWAYS-GET-WHAT-I-WANT LEVEL: 8437539875. Ugh. I was really hoping for hipster glasses being derma-bonded to her face.
Sara’s rat tail was removed. Let us all bow our heads and say goodbye to the world’s most unattractive braid. Sniff. She got the manly, short, brown spike hair, just as she afeared. I take umbrage, though. Why “manly”? If it’s on a woman of any gender, it’s “womanly.” So there. I thought she rocked it like a boss, even though she feels like SmÃ©agol.
The Bitch of the Week Award goes to Alexandria, who was Unhappy with her extensions. She knows how they are supposed to look, and informed the hair stylist of same. I know I love being talked down to by a snotty model-in-training, so I’m sure everyone enjoyed the experience. Alexandria has Hair Intuition, which is the second-most important intuition, after Is My Mascara Smudged? Intuition. HISSY-FIT LEVEL: 8. Miss Hyacinth Blossom 1967 called her “unacceptable,” and I agree.
Dominique did have a brief issue with her long, red locks, but, in the end, it was HISSY-FIT LEVEL: 1, with a side of AWESOME.
Molly received wavy extensions which, I admit, did make her look a tad Mermaid Who Wandered Too Close to the Light Socket. (And no, I don’t know how a mermaid would find a light socket in the ocean. Just go with it.) This look is “Tyra’s vision” and it’s called “what if Diana Ross was a blonde?” I called the result “what if Molly looked like my Barbie after the dog yakked it up?” But she’s still a pretty girl. Walk it off, Molly.
Long, straight, black extensions are now gracing Mikaela’s Cher-esque person. She thought she looked like The Little Mermaid. Um, Mikaela, the little mermaid has red hair. You, madam, are no Ariel. You’re also not The Mermaid Who Wandered Too Close to the Light Socket, so you can be glad for that.
Kasia got a visit from a crimper. It’s nice that she can visit 1987 without having to buy a Hot Tub Time Machine.
Dalya received the same hair-do as Mikaela, basically, without comparing herself to a Disney princess. +10 points for Dalya.
Hannah looks the same as she did before, only better. She needs to be Breck girl, if those still exist anymore. I can see her in the Urban Outfitters catalogue wearing a swimsuit, snow shoes, and an antique diving helmet while her emo boyfriend stares wistfully at a chipmunk.
After the gentlewomen were released from the beauty salon, they returned home to Windy Corner. Tyra Mail reveals that they will learn about “photosynthesis” the next day. What does it mean?! Will the ladies have to portray a sexy plant specimen in a photo? Will they walk a runway whilst performing Little Shop of Horrors? So many questions.
Upon the morning, Also a Very Nice Fashion Photographer Pamela Hanson and Person Who Styles Fashion Lori Goldstein lead the moddles through a couture photo shoot. “Couture” is a fancy word for “clothes that cost more than your rent, plebe.” I have no freaking idea what this has to do with photosynthesis, except that they posed in a garden. Photosynthesis is a process that converts carbon dioxide into organic compounds, especially sugars, using the energy from sunlight. Perhaps Tyra thinks that sunshine will convert our hapdash collection of young women into moddles.
Referring to one of the fancy-schmancy gowns, the stylist said, “A little John Galliano never hurt anybody.”
The women were paired together for the photos, which meant they must out-pose one another. This led to many awkward elbows. What are you supposed to do with those things, anyhow? If it were me, I’d use one in my competition’s face. This is probably why I am not a model. That and the fact that I’m five feet tall.
Alexandria continued her reign of terror during the photo shoot. She blamed her sour mood on a pimple. The pimple, when reached for comment, said, “I tried to get on Sara’s face.” Ever the helpful expert, Alexandria suggested to Monique that she look “doe-eyed.” Or maybe she meant “d’oh! eyed.”
Mikaela and Sara tried their best Mork and Mork outer-space posing, with a bit of Black Swan thrown in for fun.
Brittani and Hannah looked amazing. I’m pretty sure their hats were from the land of “I Bathe in Champagne.” I want to go to there.
We watched Dalya, Miss Hyacinth Blossom 1967, and Dominique have a threesome photo. Well, we watched Dalya and Miss Hyacinth Blossom 1967 have a twosome, and Dominique, a meltdown. It’s not fun when it happens to such a lovely lady.
After all this high-fashion dramz, finally we arrive at judging. Lori Goldstein was the guest judge, and Tyra wore the Eye of Sauron on her shirt. Shit’s about to get real.
Lori called Alexandria out on her bitchiness. OOH BURN. That lady’s sassy, and I like it.
The gowns in these photos were amazing. My Smurf-blue sweatpants were starting to feel bad about themselves. FINE, TYRA. FINE.
Mikaela and Sara definitely had the not-best shot of the session. Turns out that staring into space woodenly is not what you’re supposed to do. Noted.
Molly took this one away for me. Wow. If a rabid weave ever attacks my brain, I’ll be sure to fight it with a sea anemone chapeau.
Wicked Witch of the Rest Alexandria was awarded best photo, and worst attitude. Just goes to show, folks: if you’re pretty, it’s okay to be an asshole. I think my grandma embroidered that onto a throw pillow once.
The bottom two were Dominique and Sara, which made me sad. They didn’t perform well this week, but they weren’t nasty poop-heads. In the bitter end, Freckles McGhee was sent packing. At least she got to take her fabulous red hair with her.
That’s it, smize fans! Tune in again next week for another sophisticated episode of America’s Next Top EEEEYYYYAAAAAAAAAAHH!