Changes Afoot at Persephone Magazine

Good morning, Persephoneers!  It’s a really exiting day in Persephone world.  Not only will be be naming the winner of Middlemarch Madness and preparing for our six-month birthday on Monday, we’ve got a real bombshell to drop on you after the cut.

As anyone familiar with the blogging world knows, the Golden Ticket is to turn one’s blog into a book deal.  Barring that, many blogs pay the bills with advertising, sponsorships or merchandising.  Other blogs, however, can be purchased by larger companies looking to create an online presence.

Persephone Magazine has been purchased.

Let’s jump back a couple of weeks.  There I was, in my Wednesday blogging caftan, sipping on my morning coffee, when I received a phone call.

Ophelia: You are go for Payne.

Caller: What?

Ophelia: Good afternoon, you’ve reached the offices of Persephone Magazine, how may I direct your call?

Caller: Is the editor-in-chief available?

Conveniently enough, I was available.  The caller proceeded to ask about advertising rates, Persephone’s history, the staff and how we do things.  I found it odd that the caller hadn’t identified themselves, but I don’t get a lot of calls as a blogger, so I went with it.

Caller: Ms. Payne, have you considered selling Persephone Magazine?

Ophelia: What?

Caller: My boss is interested in expanding into unique online endeavors,  but wants something pre-built.

By now visions of strutting into my local grocery store and buying actual, brand name products were floating in my head like sugarplums.  Unless this caller represented Viagra or porn, I was in.

Ophelia: What’s your boss looking to pay for a pre-built online endeavor?

Caller: [$$$$$$$]

Ophelia: [laughs hysterically] Who’s your boss, Oprah?

Caller: Actually “¦

Ophelia: Shit the fucking bed, Luci, you totally had me going for a minute.  That’s not even fucking funny.

As it happens, and if you ever find yourselves in a similar situation, this was not the right choice of words.   Fortunately, my new friend at the Oprah empire didn’t hang up on me in disgust, and Persephone has been invited into the Oprah Winfrey fold.  While Oprah’s main website is thriving, it’s failed to attract the critical 18-24 demographic with which Persephone is popular, and lacks the sassy community element we’ve all worked so hard to build.  Oprah and Friendsâ„¢ recognize the importance of building a young fanbase to sustain their momentum, and apparently we’ve all impressed them with our bookish cleverness.

As part of the deal, however, we’ve had to make a few compromises.

  • We’ve got to clean up our act.  No more swearing or talking about sex.  Frisky will now be writing about chocolate and yoga.
  • Our upcoming education series will now be written by Michelle Rhee.
  • Members will now receive a car after every tenth comment. (Local taxes and financial obligations may apply.)
  • Instead of SEO, we’ll be utilizing the best practices of SEOprahâ„¢, wherein all of our tags, images and categories reflect the Oprahâ„¢ brand.
  • Dr. Philâ„¢ will call each of the editors daily to shout, “How’s that working for ya?” while we outline the daily schedule.
  • As Ophelia is too close to Oprah, I’ve been asked to change my name.
  • Next year’s Middlemarch Madness can only include heroines from Oprah’s Book Clubâ„¢.
  • The Ladyghosts series will now only cover classic episodes of The Oprah Winfrey Show and Friends.
  • Dr. Philâ„¢’s wife Robyn will now be writing all of the parenting columns.

Needless to say, we’re very excited about this brand new day in the Persephone universe.  We can’t wait to help all of you get to know Oprah and her friends better, and maybe learn a little bit about yourselves in the process.

Sincerely,

Published by

Ophelia Payne

Editor in Chief of Persephone Magazine, Ophelia spends most of her time in front of a monitor. She writes long, rambling emails in her free time.

29 thoughts on “Changes Afoot at Persephone Magazine”

  1. “It’s interesting to read this (which I believed up until ‘We’ve got to clean up our act. No more swearing or talking about sex. Frisky will now be writing about chocolate and yoga.’ I have problems seeing Persephone agree to this) while listening to the Daily Show in the background since right as I get to Oprah buying the site, Lewis Black yells ‘Donald Trump’s running for president!’ Just about as believable”

    This was me. I didn’t realize my mom was logged in.

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