There are only FIVE models left! Five moddles moddling in Morocco on America’s Next Top Model! Get ready for a lot of screaming about camels. “OMG IT’S A CAMELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!” It was just like that. Hannah cracked the inevitable “camel toe” joke. I’m a classy bitch, so I would have stuck with a “hump” joke.
Also present: a lot of snakes. Not present: Indiana Jones.
Brittani told a lovely story about how, back home in Pennsylvania, they wouldn’t play with their snakes, but would kill them, skin them, eat them, and hang the carcass on the wall. Voldemoddle should definitely never travel to Pennsylvania.
Mr. and Ms. Jay met the models in the Marrakesh marketplace through which they wandered and told them resplendent stories of the magic of the ancient city. Apparently Kate Moss likes shopping in Morocco, so the place has that to recommend it. Yup. Kate Moss.
A monkey jumped on Voldemoddle’s head.
The moddles wandered about Marrakesh, marveling at its beauty, and its monkeys, and its exotic old-world charms (potpourri). It made me jealous, dammit. Of course, I’d rather do Marrakesh Absolutely Fabulous style, having easygoing sex with gorgeous
underage youths. I mean with my husband. He’s totally invited, too.
In the first ten minutes of the show, Kasia talked about being the only plus-sized model twice, so I feel I can accurately predict that her being ZOMG A PLUS-SIZE MODDLE is extremely important to the “plot.” Stay tuned for moar updates about how fatty fatty fat fat plus-sized huge Kasia is.
After a traditional Moroccan lunch (i.e.: food), the ladies met up with Andre Leon Talley. With him was the gorgeous
underage youth designer Noureddine Amir. Noureddine Amir is going to be my lover’s name in the romance novel of my life called The Short Girl and the Swashbuckling Turgid Pirate with the Totally Sexy Name Who Designs Awesome Clothes for Her. Seriously, say it aloud: Noureddine Amir. Rrrrrrroll those r’s!
The task at hand was to go see for Mr. Amir and walk for him and Andre. The clothes were neato (that’s a technical fashion term). Check out this little confection on Brittani.
Guess what happened next, everyone? Was it:
A) A camel tromped into the designer’s studio and ate an unlucky assistant’s head.
B) Andre Leon Talley called Tyra a c*nt when he thought he wasn’t on camera.
C) Noureddine Amir very meanly told me he would sue me if I used his name in my romance novel.
D) Kasia was too fatty fatty fat fat plus-sized huge for any of the clothes.
If you guessed (D), then congratulations! You win a heaping spoonful of feeling like shit about yourself, because Kasia is waaaaaaay under the U.S. average size for an adult woman. As she said herself about the situation, “It sucks.”
They found, by some miracle of Zuul, one outfit to send her out in. Andre said she looked beautiful. I agree.
The models settled into their home in Marrakesh, and tricksy Tyra only gave them three beds – two singles and a triple. Molly, Brittani, and Kasia were forced to share the group bed under the rules of “you snooze, you lose,” which are enforceable even internationally. Molly was angry about this. Molly is angry about everything. She blamed her anger on being adopted. This may be accurate, for I adopted my kitty and she’s frequently meowing about this, that, or the other no matter how many clean piles of laundry I give her to lay on and ruin.
The next day they met up with the model who would be co-posing in their photo shoots with them. Sir Humphalot Camelthwaite hails from the hills around Marrakesh, and in his free time enjoys eating, making loud camel bellows, and pooping in public.
Their photographer was none other than Michael Woolley, a dude with a lot of double letters in his name.
Molly performed really well, riding that camel like it was a brick of coke and she was Charlie Sheen. Sir Humphalot Camelthwaite said of her performance, “Bbbbrrrrrrrrruuuggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”
Kasia did not do well. Michael Woolley said, “It looks like you’re falling off the camel.” Sir Humphalot Camelthwaite was too polite to say what he was thinking, but merely shook his head in the dignified manner for which the Camelthwaites are known. Kasia got more and more frustrated during the shoot, and as she felt herself doing badly, became self-conscious about her body. Mr. Jay said that there was a growing place for plus-sized models in the industry. Unfortunately, a model who’s thinking about her body during the shoot is not being present in the moment, which makes for poor pictures.
Voldemoddle was awkward and Mr. Woolley felt she was over-thinking and over-directing herself. Of course, he was wrong. Voldemoddle was “feeling the moment.” But who knows what moment she was feeling? Perhaps she was feeling the moment when she split her soul in seven pieces in order to live forever.
Sir Humphalot Camelthwaite tried to bite Voldemoddle.
Hannah brought her expertise in riding mechanical bulls forth during shoot, turning in a solid effort. Sir Humphalot Camelthwaite asked for her number afterward.
At panel, the guest judge was Franca Sozzani, the Vogue Italia Editor-in-Chief. This was a very important judge, for hers is the magazine that will feature the winner of the competition. FYI, I will be known as “Franca Sozzani” in my romance novel.
Molly was called “a high fashion princess on her own caravan” by Andre Leon Talley.
Molly was the elegant, high-fashion winner. In the bottom two were Voldemoddle and Kasia. Voldemoddle because her talent is spotty and she’s demanding on set. Kasia for also being spotty and lacking in confidence about her body.
Kasia was sent away, back to the States, away from the camels. I really do think she was eliminated because of her poor picture this week, and not because of her plus-sizedness.
Voldemoddle lives to model another week. Well, duh y’all. She’s immortal. Why the other models don’t go looking for her horcruxes I’ll never understand.
And now I must go. Sir Humphalot Camelthwaite and I are getting mani-pedis. He promises to tell me some stories about Tyra and her secret penchant for bathing in macaroni and cheese. Until next time, my dears! *AIR KISSES!*