Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.7, “To a Shut-the-Fuck-Uppery, Go, and Quickly Too!”

This week on America’s Next Top Model, your recapper felt ancient and thanked her lucky stars that she wasn’t twenty years old anymore. Well, maybe she wished her ass were still twenty years old. Just not the rest of her.

The sponsor of this week’s show was the Warriors in Pink campaign by Ford, to benefit Susan G. Komen for the Cure. 100% of the net proceeds of the Ford campaign help the Komen organization in the fight to cure breast cancer. This is a great cause, so I’m linking. See? Compassion can so touch my cold, snarky heart!

Nigel Barker, Noted Fashion Photographer, photographed the models for the Warriors in Pink campaign, and the winner of the shoot would star in a national campaign for the cause. I can’t even joke, y’all. I once raised money for and completed a 60 mile walk for breast cancer, and it’s one of my best and proudest memories. I highly suggest checking out the links above so that you can see how to help.

Should I get on to the bitchy now? Okay … just for you, my harpies.

Each of the ladies picked a “warrior” symbol, and Brittani picked “the dove” which means … something. She didn’t seem to know what her message was. Maybe, “Don’t poop on peoples’ heads”? As Nigel told her, “You can’t just ‘do’ passion, you have to be passionate!” Wow. I think I need that on a T-shirt, Nige. Can you give us more? Perhaps “You can’t just ‘do’ fashion photographer, you have to be noted at it!”

 

Listen to this man! He's Noted!

 

The winner was… She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Her symbol was the “tree of love,” so she posed like a tree. (Notice she didn’t pick “love.”)  Look at that pose.  Are we sure she wasn’t calling forth Satan’s evil hordes from the bowels of hell?

 

I can't be-leaf it's not a moddle!

 

She also won a 2012 Ford Focus. As in car. For real. See, faithful blog readers, this just goes to prove what I have long seen demonstrated in life: that the more un-self-aware, self-absorbed, and mean you are, the more you succeed. Common decency — that’s where you’re going wrong, kids. In Voldemoddle’s own words: “I’m strong, I’m Alpha, I’m the lioness. I’m getting what I want because I’m gonna do it, no matter what.” So, yeah. Do that.

After She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named won a freaking car, you can imagine that tempers ran high. And like the great battle of Godzilla vs. Mothra, Brittani went after Voldemoddle with her clawed, yet largely ineffectual, arms and gave her what-for. Nigel watched the whole thing.

DUN DUN DUN!  (This noise = foreshadowing.)

The next morning, Ms. J. Alexander surprised the ladies with a VIP trip to Universal Studios! Godzilla wiped her sleepy eyes, and Mothra grinned smugly, and off the moddles went. I live very close to Universal Studios, yet have never seen a roving band of moddles in my neighborhood smizing at unsuspecting strangers, or pounding the sidewalk one foot in front of the other as if their life depended on it! I ain’t mad.

They visited the shark from Jaws, and the set from Psycho. Ms. J. got out at the Psycho house to take a picture. When suddenly she was attacked by a Trans-woman with bad taste in wigs but great taste in knives!

 

Next time, skip the tour.

 

Oh, it was horrible! Ms. J. squirted blood all over the shark and fell to her knees, saying, “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my Ty Ty.” And then she died, right there on camera. Well, not on the camera. In front of the camera, as was only right. The moddles all shrieked in despair, except for Voldemoddle, who made a witty bon mot to Lucius Malfoy. The funeral for Ms. Jay was a solemn affaire (and tres fancy, as demonstrated by the “e” at the end of “affaire”) and was attended by all the biggest names in fashion, like Zoe Whatsherface, and That Other Person Who Judged ANTM Once. Britanni finally discovered what her dove was for. She released Mr. Fly-ey into the air as the rest of the moddles sang “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake.

Okay, fine. None of that really happened. It would have been awesome, though.

What really happened was that Mr. Jay (the one in the granny wig) was being funny in a skit. No one with “J” in their name was harmed in the making of this quality entertainment. Except perhaps anyone in the audience with a “J” in their name. I’m very sorry.

The women were told to be “crazy” for fashion. To help them in this endeavor, photographer Miguel Starcevish was roped into being on the show. Eric Daman was the guest stylist. He styles the cheeky “teenagers” on the hit tee vee show Gossip Girl, which I never watch because I am an adult woman. However, if I did watch that show religiously, I might command Mr. Daman right now to have Ed Westwick call me, or I’ll write bad things about him (Eric) on the interwebs. THERE IS NO GREATER THREAT, DAMAN. Cross me and you’ll be known as “coo coo butt head” forevermore! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Ahem.

Seriously, Ed. Call me.

Each of the moddles were outfitted to be crazy about something – shoes, bags, accessories. I loved Jaclyn’s task. Miss Magnolia Buttercream Frosting 1952 was “crazy for makeup.”

 

Is there any lipstick on my teeth?

 

Like looking in a mirror.

 

Tyra Banks judges "the girls" at panel.

 

I’ve included the above picture just because.

At last, the time for panel came. Several of the mad, mad, mad, mad photos came out beautifully. Like Jaclyn’s, above. And Kasia’s. She went crazy for hair.

 

Do you think this is what Sarah Palin looked like when she discovered the Bump It?

 

When Voldemoddle’s turn came, Nigel brought up the fight between her and Godzilla. Brittani said that she (and the other models) felt that Nigel picked the worst possible role model for the ad campaign.

As you can imagine, this did not go over well. Nigel said Brittani’s outburst on set, in front of him and the Ford executives, made her, not She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, look bad. If Voldemoddle is evil, at least she does it at home, out of the limelight. This is Evil Villain 101! To Brittani, Ty Ty said, “This is a business. You have to respect the client, you have to respect your co-workers, and you have to respect yourself.” Brittani was so overcome with the tears and the “oh, shits” and whatnot, she left the judging room. When she returned, her shot, “crazy for shoes,” was deemed too sweet. Too bad her shot couldn’t have been “crazy for hating Voldemoddle.”

The “shut the fuck up” lesson is a hard one for us all to learn.

Three of the judges wanted Brittani to stay. Tyra disagreed.

Miss Magnolia Buttercream Frosting 1952 got best photo, and rightly so. Brava, my little Southern pickle! I think your dimples should have their own show on the CW. It couldn’t be worse than some of the dreck they have on there now.

Mikaela and Brittani fell into the bottom two. Mikaela, for being boring. Seems like I have typed that sentence week after week. Brittani, for not holding her tongue, and for feeling that being right was more important than being polite and professional. Ty Ty was outvoted, for ANTM is not a monarchy, and Brittani stayed.

So remember, everyone.  When you hate someone, don’t call them out in public where it can make you look bad.  Put sugar in the gas tank of their brand new 2012 Ford Focus, like normal folks.

 

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Lucy Woodhull

Lucy Woodhull is a novelist, humorist, parodist, and all-around geek. Her new venture is THE SHITTIEST PRINCESS, a series of un-fair-y tales right here on Persephone. You can check out her sexy, fun romantic comedies at www.lucywoodhull.com.

10 thoughts on “Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.7, “To a Shut-the-Fuck-Uppery, Go, and Quickly Too!””

  1. Okay, huge Brittani fan here, but even I think she could have handled her Voldemoddle hate much better. However, I think Tyra sucks and is biased against her. Why? Last week, as BHB said, the photog was so inspired by her he stopped to take an individual shoyt of her, that is a huge frakkin’ deal, and Ty didn’t even bring it up in judging. Normally, this would be a huge feather ina girl’s cap and Tyra would have one of her “wise mentor” moments and talk about how this is WHAT A TOP MODEL IS!! ME thinks there is an anti-Brittani campaign afoot….Something is rotten in the state of moddles….

  2. I actually watched ANTM last night, just so I could read your re-caps with a more savvy eye. Needless to say, you are way more fun than the moddels.

    Two things made an impression. 1. If they had been less pissed at Brittani I think they would have noticed the crazy “But but but… I love them” glint in her eyes in the shoe shot. 2. I think Nigel was in the commercials with hair. Nigel with hair looks like the King of all Douchebags. It frightens me.

    1. Is it me or do at least two of the models on this cycle look EXACTLY like previous models? Voldemoddle looks just about identical to Renee from cycle 8 and Hannah basically IS Annaleigh from Cycle 11 (and yet three Asian models in 16 cycles…THREE).

      Also, is it me or does Kasia just look crazy in general? I’m not understanding why they like her pictures so much from week to week and why no one has said anything about her severe underbite. Honestly if Brittany doesn’t win this shit I might have to challenge Tyra to a duel at dawn. I have to believe that shit she pulled last night was simply to keep it from being a foregone conclusion that Brittany will win (a la Eva from cycle 3).

      Yes I watch this show entirely too much.

  3. I just love Jaclyn – she’s so earnest, and I always really like the contestants who don’t quite realize how good they are. It’s a nice change from the Voldemoddles who think extremely highly of themselves.

    Also, I know the commercials they air during shows vary from region to region, but did anybody else see the car commercials featuring Nigel Barker, Noted Fashion Photographer, with a full head of longish hair? I almost didn’t recognize him!

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