I don’t know about you kids, but after last week’s harrowing episode of America’s Next Top Model, I’m about ready to swear allegiance to the dark side of modeling, where instead of smizing (smiling with your eyes), you snmass (sneer malevolently with your ass). I’m snmassing as I type. Someone give me a car.
At the top of the episode, Tyra met the girls in her Hall of Portfolios, which was a set decorated with the ladies’ ANTM modeling pics framed and hanging from the ceiling. I have a room just like that at home, except instead of ANTM models hanging from the ceiling, I have Alexander SkarsgÃ¥rd. I mean his pictures. Yes, his pictures. If I actually had him hanging from my ceiling, I wouldn’t be here blogging for you losers. And I’d probably have a muscle pull or two.
Where were we?
Modeling portfolios are books of pictures used to acquire work. Models (and moddles, as it were) bring these books to clients and say, “See? This is a photo I took when Ty Ty made me dress up like a lemur and ride a unicycle. Please hire me for your unicycle ad campaign,” and the client says, “Ah, yes. Nice snmassing.”
The first photo in your moddleing portfolio should be a face shot that introduces you. (HINT: Do not use that Facebook shot in which you’re shotgunning beers in the lemur costume you stole. Trust.) The last picture should be a memorable shot that leaves the client drooling for more. (HINT: Use the furry Budweiser pic in this slot. They’ll never forget you!) You don’t actually need a ton of pictures to do well. Tyra booked twenty-five Paris fashion shows off of three pictures. I knew a guy who went to jail for only two. Quality – not quantity.
Then, Tyra whipped out her big “C.”
Tyra said that “C” was one of the letters in the name of the international location to which the moddles would travel for to continue their education. Would it be Macedonia? The fashion mecca of Canada? CoverGirlistan???
BUT NO! The answer was Morocco!
I do hope they remember to bring the Pop Specs, sweetie dahling.
Before the six remaining contestants could jet off to Morocco, however, they must excel at go-sees, for only five will continue on in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model! Eeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!
In case you’re not familiar with what a go-see is, it’s a job interview for models. At an typical interview, normals like you and me are asked stupid questions such as “what’s your greatest weakness?” (SkarsgÃ¥rd, duh), but moddles are asked to put on something like a tiny bikini and walk in a straight line. It’s totes hard, y’all, which is why almost all of the remaining six women will fuck it up royally.
The moddles had four hours to go on four go-sees. The three winners of the challenge would get to go-see with Lana Marks, who is like totes famous for her clothes and whatnot. The four go-sees would be casting for different archetypes: athletic, bombshell, girl-next-door, couture, and lemur. Whoops, that’s five. The women were supplied with cars and drivers, but the ladies themselves would have to read a map to get to the correct location.
Jaclyn, Miss Juniper Jehosaphat 1942, was not pleased at this stipulation.
She said, “I’m screwed. The only other map that I’ve ever read was in world geography and, Lord help me, I always got in trouble for talkin’ in that class.” Oh, Jaclyn. You’re like a mint julep for my brain.
Voldemoddle is from Los Angeles (Why am I not surprised? I’ve often felt that the Antichrist would come from here and be wearing orange spray tan.), so she got to the first go-see lickety split. She applied a little nose-to-butt at Frankie B and booked the job. Brown is every season’s best color! Brittani, Hannah, and Kasia also made good showings in Frankie B’s sexy “bombshell” denimwear. Daniella Clarke from the company got “a toothache” from Miss Juniper Jehosaphat 1942, however. All your taste is in your toothache, Daniella. Harumph, I say. (She did book Jaclyn anyhow, so she’s not completely on my shit list.)
The second audition was at a commercial casting director’s offices, House Casting. During the “girl-next-door” reading, Molly needed to be friendlier, but Voldemoddle performed well, naturally. Acting is a super-villain’s greatest weapon, next to bears who shoot lasers from their chainsaw-paws. The CD didn’t like Miss Juniper Jehosaphat 1942’s Southern accent, which I think is un-American.
Oday Shakar was the “couture” go see. Kasia nailed it in a ruffly burgundy gown. She looked like Boobtastic Barbie.
The fourth go-see, “athletic,” was with Smashbox. Molly got in deep doo-doo for not bringing athletic wear to a sports casting, but pulled it out with a fantastic performance in a running-style shot. Voldemoddle posed with a growling Black gentleman.
For the first time in recorded history, all of the moddles made it to the end point on time after the go-sees. Usually at least two or three get lost and flail about crying. What is this show without flailing and crying?!
The three winners were Molly, Voldemoddle, and Kasia. They won the coveted go-see with Lana Marks, whose website provides this lovely photo.
The winner of the final go-see would be featured in Lana’s next ad campaign in over one hundred countries. She would also win a buncha swag.
Guess who won.
No, really. Guess.
Let’s all say it together: VOLDEMODDLE!
I suppose that I have to accede that Voldemoddle is a good moddle. But I don’t have to like it.
This week’s photoshoot happened at the dump, for an eco-friendly vibe. I’m all for eco-friendly clothes, but I don’t think they should be presented as smelling of eau-de-rotting-shit. The man who thought this was a great concept was Michael Cinco, fashion designer for Mother Earth herself. He designed custom gowns for the models using recycled materials, like I sometimes do when I get a little drunk in my craft room. Nigel Barker, Noted Fashion Photographer, was recycled to take the photos.
A seagull pooped on Mr. Jay. It was awesome.
And then another seagull pooped on Mr. Jay. I laughed for five straight minutes. I’m not sure what that says about me, but I’m sure whatever it is, it’s good.
Molly hated the birds almost as much as Captain Toilet. She asked if anyone had a BB gun. Nigel Barker, Noted Avian Lover, wasn’t amused.
At judging, Voldemoddle won best photo on top of booking all of her go-sees, winning the Lana Marks campaign, and being crowned “High Poobah of Reading Street Signs in Los Angeles.” She was also given your boyfriend as a prize.
The despondent bottom duo were Molly and Miss Juniper Jehosaphat 1942. Molly for only booking two out of four go-sees because she acted like a sour puss, and Jaclyn for only making it to two go-sees. She explained that she was bad at reading maps. Andre Leon Talley helpfully suggested that next time she just “get out and run.” Run in circles, I guess he means, because if you’re lost, I don’t see how running is better than being in an air-conditioned car with a cute driver. Oh, rich people.
And guess who went home? GUESS! THIS IS ME CRYING IN MY SOUTHERN COMFORT, Y’ALL! *hic* Yes, Jaclyn was sent packing. I will miss her dimples and good attitude. But good attitudes have no place in fashion. If you want to succeed, gentle readers, then stop being so gentle and go wedgie a couple of kittens, and then meow to them about how much better you are at being fluffy than they are. It’s the ANTM way!
That’s it for *hic* this week’s show. I’m giving you the side-eye, Tyra. No, I’m giving you the side-snmass. It’s meaner. *hic*