Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.9: “Stuff Too Boring to Make the Regular Show. Oh, and a Virgin Sacrifice.”

Ooh! Are you snmassing yourself with excitement? Grab a cleansing tissue, Persephoneers, for I’m going to recap the clip show that you probably got pissed off at last night and didn’t bother watching. I’ve never actually watched one of these “hey, let’s slap some unused footage together and call it ‘never-before-seen’ or some shit” episodes of America’s Next Top Model. But tonight, I’ve got my drank courage on. Let’s see how many of the eliminated moddles’ names I’ve forgotten. My guess: all.

Author’s note: If this show gets boring and/or stupid (my guess: completely), I may just make up some stuff. See if you can guess which moddle events are real and which are fake. It’ll be a fun game. You’ll see.

The first part of this clip show featured TyTy pretending to be “craaaaaaaaazzzzzzyyyyyy!!!!!!” “contestants” who didn’t make the cut to be on the show. Now, you may roll your eyes at her shenanigans, but I love her really stupid theatrics.

 

Tyra Banks in a skit.
I envy their wig budget.

 

I feel as if TyTy really wanted to be in her first grade production of Annie, but didn’t make the cast. Even though she grew up to be a long, lean, supermoddle machine, deep DEEP inside she YEARNS for scenarios and characters and greasepaint and character shoes and dare I say it? (DARE DARE.) The kiss of the bard. The fanfare of her peers! Perhaps even… an EGOT necklace! She’s a frustrated thespian, like so many of us. Yet she has the money to put on shiny plastic wigs and live her dreams before a captive audience of twelve-year-olds. And me.

I would do the same.

Here are some other things that happened.

Hannah played with a crystal. It spun around all by itself. Then they played Light as a Moddle, the Audience is Bored.

Hannah put her crystal over Jaclyn’s (Miss Bumbershoot Bigglesworth 1934’s) nether regions, since those lady parts have n’er been plundered by man nor boy. The crystal spun around all by itself, but no virgin alarms went off or anything. That’s what happens when you buy discount sex crystals. Miss Bumbershoot Bigglesworth 1934 was embarrassed to have been laid out on the dinner tale, where they eat. I figure it was okay – we know she’s clean as a whistle.

 

Jaclyn and the crystal
"Watch me pull a rabbit out of my..."

 

The models threw themselves a “Let’s Wear Paper Bags and Practice Our Runway Walk” party. Didn’t they give those girls a Scrabble set or anything? No wonder they’re teasing Miss Bumbershoot Bigglesworth 1934’s cooch — they must have been super fucking bored.

Alexandria, or She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (whoops) led the other moddles in a prayer circle honoring the Goddess Gaea. At her direction, they heated a pot of “Happy Totally Not Nefarious” hot chocolate before they all disappeared for a short time into the woods. When they emerged, it looked as if they were all covered in blood and goat horns, but She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named explained that the sticky substance was merely melted chocolate. The horns were horns.

Monique doesn’t know how to not be sexy. It happens to the best of us.

Ondrei fainted. Perhaps it was nerves? It was definitely NOT the “Happy Totally Not Nefarious” hot chocolate.

Molly’s horrific blonde weave attacked a kindergarten class, leaving two boys and a girl with tennis elbow.

I got distracted by a pad commercial. Is it just me, or are those things medieval torture devices? They must be a product born of the evil mind of Voldemoddle THE MAN.

Kasia is the oldest girl in the competition. She’s achieved the ripe old age of twenty-six, and without a walker or a noticeable limp. I know we throw around the word “hero” a lot nowadays, but sometimes real courage simply must be celebrated.  The secret to Kasia’s beautiful (and shockingly un-crone-like) skin? Lotions and such. Yeah. The entire segment was riveting. I’m sorry you missed it. I’m sorry I didn’t.

Voldemoddle rapped.

 

Alexandria raps.
MC Slytherin

Here’s a sample of her mad rhymes:

My name is Voldemoddle
And I’m here to say
That I will smize you
In an evil way!
Wocka-wocka-wocka-wocka-wocka.
Screeeeeeeech!
Beauty’s where you find it,
Not just where you bump and grind it.
Word to ya Death Eater.
Voldemoddle OUT.

 

Miss Bumbershoot Bigglesworth 1934 created a swear jar, which I think is an assweasel fucking cockgobblin’ shittastic awesome-anus idea.

Tammi had a major blowout with Dionysia over who owned the homeopathic shampoo. They wrestled in a bubble bath until Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker declared them both winners. Like Solomon, he cut the shampoo bottle in half, which made it kinda useless, really.

The girls saw Usher and P. Diddy in their hotel. Does Diddy put a period after his P? It’s not Pee Diddy, right? Yes, I farm my jokes from ten years ago.  WHAT DO YOU WANT? I AM WATCHING THIS DRIVEL SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

At the end of all this incredible action, we got an update on Ann, winner of the last cycle of ANTM. She did her prize Vogue Italia shoot and is now living in New York City. Yup. That’s it.  That’s everything.  Poor winner Ann.

Next week the moddles head off to Morocco! At least the scenery will be pretty. Until then, madams and messieurs, be sure to use your dick-licking swear jars, and avoid any blonde tumbleweeds you see bouncing through your neighborhood.

BHB OUT!

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Lucy Woodhull

Lucy Woodhull is a novelist, humorist, parodist, and all-around geek. Her new venture is THE SHITTIEST PRINCESS, a series of un-fair-y tales right here on Persephone. You can check out her sexy, fun romantic comedies at www.lucywoodhull.com.

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