Previously on Glee, Sue tried to destroy the glee club, and Rachel learned a lesson about how to get along with people. Tonight on Glee, Sue tries to destroy the glee club and Rachel learns a lesson about how to get along with people. Saltwater Taffy plays a role.
Brittany: I love saltwater.
It turns out the Cheerios budget Principal Figgins gave to Mr. Schue has been stored in off-shore accounts in the Cayman Islands, so it’s up to the glee kids once again to raise money to go to Nationals. Meanwhile, Tina, Mike, Artie, and Brittany need to raise funds so their Brainiac team can compete at the next level. Mr. Schue lets them be part of his candy sale. In an otherwise “meh” episode, the scenes of Brittany at the Brainiac decathlon are fabulous.
Mr. Schue: I get why three of you are on the team, but…
Puck: Is that because two of them are Asian and Artie wears glasses?
Glee is so cute when it becomes mildly self-aware, no? Hey! Look! It’s Sunshine from the opening episode of the season! They didn’t forget her; apparently she’s been super busy with the academic decathlon.
Meanwhile, Sue has formed a cabal of evil with the skeevy director of Vocal Adrenaline, Sandy (Ned!) Ryerson, and the former Mrs. Will Schuester, Terri the Terrible, whom I actually kind of love, because Joclyn Gilsig plays her so very, very straight. Sue, of course, wants this League of Doom to bring down the house of Will one brick at a time. Vocal Adrenaline Dude is Sargeant Handsome, Sandy is The Pink Dagger, Sue is General Xod, and my friend Terri is – wait for it – The Honey Badger. And that’s the single most clever thing Glee has done this entire season.
Meanwhile, Gwynnie is back as Holly Holliday, who I’d love to have do a video series for our Badass Ladies of History posts, and Will is trying to 500 Days of Summer her. Holly is all “Jesus, Will, do you need me to spell it out for you in song? Much like Miley last summer, I just cain’t be tamed.” Apparently she does need to spell it out for Will in song, because Will is, as usual, awash in stupid. She does tell Will his taffy sales are a terrible idea and encourages him to throw a benefit concert to raise money for the glee club and the brainiac team to go to their respective battles. The theme: A Night of Neglect. The kids are only allowed to do songs by neglected artists. Of course, Rachel picks herself, because she’s awful and every thing she’s ever learned in the series about being a decent human being is apparently with all the glee club monies in an off-shore account. Rachel wants to sing “My Heart Will Go On.” (At this point I was yelling and shaking my arms at the TV. WAS BIEBER NOT ENOUGH, GLEE?) Spoiler: She doesn’t.
OH! So You Think You Can Dance is coming back May 26! Hot damn!
Back to Glee. Sue finds out about the benefit and has Sandy start an after-school heckling club joined by a football player, Jacob, and Becky.
Mercedes, fed up with Rachel, is pounced on by Lauren, who tells her she needs to embrace her inner J-Lo and Mariah and make some demands. Those demands include a fresh puppy to dry her hands on every time she washes her hands. Heh.
Sunshine comes to the glee kids and tries to get a spot in their benefit, bribing them with her 600 Twitter followers and an Eric Carmen song. She wins over everyone but Rachel, who is predictably awful.
In the middle of all of this, Schue stumbles upon Emma scrubbing the teacher’s lounge with an electric toothbrush. She tells him Handsome Dentist Stamos has left her and that they’re getting an annulment because they never did it. Emma really needs to learn to open up.
Sargent Handsome is tasked with breaking up Will and Holly, so he throws himself at the latter in the creepiest way possible.
Why is there so little music in this episode? We’re a third of the way in and all we’ve heard was “All By Myself.”
Let’s fast forward to the benefit. WAIT! There’s a good scene in there! Kurt is giving Blaine a tour of McKinley when they run into Ham Hock, who gives them lots of shit. Blaine is about to out him when Santana approaches and threatens to entangle Ham Hock’s junk while warning him that her hair is full of razor blades. Oh, Santana, I love you so much. She’s the Josh Lyman of Glee.
Sunshine doesn’t show, and the audience is made up only of heckler club members, Kurt, and Blaine. Tina sings a moody, rockin’ song I don’t know but just as it’s getting good, the hecklers go into overdrive and she’s driven from the stage in tears. Aw. I thought you were great, Tina.
Will rallies everyone to keep going in spite of the hecklers, and Holly has a fun moment talking with them about how easy it is to be an asshole on the introwebs.
Next up, Mike Chang dances to Jack Johnson. He’s awesome, as you might expect, but he’s dancing, as I said, to JACK JOHNSON. Somebody bring me that kid’s iPod, there’s work to do.
Holly sings a song telling Will he’s kind of a jerk and that she’s leaving, and I think I should’ve been feeling something, but I wasn’t, really. Holly deserves better than Will. And she deserved better songs. I’ll miss her, as much as I can’t identify with Gwyneth the person in any sort of meaningful way, I did enjoy her a LOT as Holly. Or, the Only Adult Not Kurt or Finn’s Parent Who Isn’t Awful.
Mercedes goes on, after being talked into it by Rachel, and Rachel and Mercedes learn Important Lessons, but screw that, because Mercedes was OMG FANTASTIC. If you’re a Mercedes fan, it’s worth catching the last few minutes on Hulu.
Sandy is so moved by Mercedes’ version of Miss Aretha Franklin that he funds both the glee club and the brainiacs, who get a great moment at the very end of the show.