Why I’m Not Blue

I see a lot of “light it up blue” stuff being posted around the ‘net today. It makes me sad, really. See, the “Light It Up Blue” campaign is a project of Autism Speaks. Their name is ironic, considering they do not have any Autistics on their board, and one Autistic on ONE advisory committee.

I am an Autistic Adult. I have an Asperger’s diagnosis. But any time I say this, people say things like, “Oh, but you can’t be, you talk!” or, “But you have so much to say!” This is particularly a prevalent response online, where I do communicate better. I sometimes hear it from people whose only experience around me is hearing me give a talk, not cognizant that there’s a huge difference between public speaking and reciprocal communication.

If they stay around long enough, though, and they know what Autism actually is, they get it.

Thing is, it’s pretty rare for people to actually get what it is. They are given imagery and little information. Puzzle pieces, statistics, and fuzzy photos of kids looking anywhere but the camera. They are told that being Autistic is somehow worse than life-threatening diseases- which, to be honest, is bad on multiple levels – I wonder what my one friend who is both Autistic and HIV+ thinks when the advertising compares one part of her life to another?

Recently I posted a video on tumblr that Rethinking Autism did called “Autism Support Group.” It had all the usual things we hear said about us: how it seems like we aren’t there, that we don’t display affection in typical ways, that we just “don’t get” school. Throughout, an Autistic adult responds to these comments, only to be ignored and unheard by parents. Thing is, these are comments we hear about ourselves, and about children who were like we were as kids, all the time. The comments could have been lifted from so many parent support groups around the nation – possibly around the world.

Another thing is that it’s always children that are mentioned. The majority of the leaflets and flyers that do feature Autistics (or models) instead of a puzzle piece feature children. “These children,” “Help a child,” or “1 in 100 children” are mentioned. Thing is, it’s NOT just children. There’s no follow-through on the notation that Autism is a life-long thing, just a margin in the notes.

The exception is the speculation. “She will never get married and have kids.” “He will never hold a steady job.” “My kid will never go to college.” While these things might be true for some Autistics, saying it’s true of all of us – or rather, all the 1 in 100 or 110 or 160, whatever number you recognize – is just an outright lie and speculation. The same speculation that had my IEP team pressure my mom, saying, “She’ll never go to college. She’ll probably never graduate from high school. Stop filling her head with the idea that she should pursue advanced classes.” My mom pulled me out to put me in first cyber-school, then Christian school, and never bought into what they told her about me.

I eventually went back to public school, and I graduated from high school in 2006. In 11th and 12th grades, I even took Advanced Placement English classes, and got a perfect score on the AP English exam. (They thankfully didn’t have a spelling section.) In fact, had I not had a nervous breakdown – inconveniently after the school had pulled my support services – my senior year, I would have been ranked and recognized as such at graduation.

This didn’t come to pass because of an obsession with curing me. It happened because my mother supported me unconditionally. (Her second and now ex-husband is a different story for another time.) She knew I was anxious and distracted in school, and that they refused to let me pursue my potential. So she arranged it that I could, and in an environment that suited my changing needs. She encouraged me to get up in front of people and start advocating. She didn’t ever show me doubts about my being able to accomplish things.

A year or two ago, my mother was approached by a parent. The parent was talking about how, “Of course, you know, you grieve your kid when you find out they have special needs.” This made my mother angry. She responded that no, actually, she didn’t grieve me. I was right there. The extra work was stressful, that is undeniable, but she never lost me so there’s nothing to grieve. She has me, just the way I am- Autistic, Queer, and living with chronic pain.

My mother was there when I would melt down and flail wildly – sometimes so much so that she was worried at times about her own safety. She had to deal with people telling her that maybe she should put me in residential placement. She experienced the fear when as a small child I would wander off, one notable time in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC. She heard the comments of, “Why isn’t your daughter smiling?” the, “Cheer up honey, it isn’t all that bad,” and my response of, “I’m happy, I don’t need to cheer up.”

Maybe she didn’t see what her second husband put me through, or notice the extra time I took in the bathroom, practicing facial expressions in the mirror so that the “cheer-up”s would just stop. But she never stopped believing in me.

So, you know that Autism exists- but do you know what it means to be autistic?

Published by

Savannah Logsdon-Breakstone

Savannah Logsdon-Breakstone. Advocate, Writer, Geek. Multiply Disabled, Queer, and proudly Autistic. Primary Obsession: Institutions, History of Care of people with MH/DDs Also obsessed with: Social Justice, Cats, Victorian Romanticism, and Doctor Who. http://crackedmirrorinshalott.wordpress.com/

18 thoughts on “Why I’m Not Blue”

  1. Thank you for this. I’m autistic, but was diagnosed a lot later in life than I guess most people are (long story), so I never knew about “Autism Awareness Month,” why I was/still am struggling with so many things, or how shitty organizations like Autism Speaks actually are until very recently. Now that I do, though, I want to scream from the rooftops (or, ya know, maybe just from my little “I’m a person, not a puzzle” Facebook page… screaming from rooftops seems kinda scary. :?)

    1. Oh I hear you SO loud and clear. I used to actually hide it from people in my life. It isn’t like I now go around telling everyone I meet, but I at least eventually tell all my friends, so they have a counter-image to “person who can’t speak for themself”.

  2. Thank you so much for this. I’ve never heard this from an Autistic person, and it makes a huge difference in my understanding of Autism. It’s not that this is new information, it’s just that I now realize that even with all the facts I new I never really understood it.

  3. My parents refused to put me on the “learning disabled” track in school, presumably fearing that it would quash any potential I had. Instead I graduated at the top of my high school, then got a bachelors in engineering, then a masters, and in a year I will get my PhD. I’m not learning disabled, and I’m so glad my parents never treated me that way. Sure, it has been a hard road in some ways, especially socially, but I’m doing fine. I have real friends, and I am in a wonderful relationship with a neurotypical man (who is still getting his head around it all, but supports me unconditionally). Certainly what is going on behind the scenes in my head is different from most people, but I do all the things that most people do with relative success.
    Thank you for sharing, “autism awareness” campaigns drive me batty, and it is SO nice to hear someone else’s voice who knows what they are talking about.

  4. The stuff you have written about and reblogged on tumblr about Autism Speaks has been really eye-opening for me. I never really gave the organization much thought either way, and I’m definitely seeing the problems you have listed about it. So keep doing your thang, it’s certainly made a difference in how I view organizations “fighting” autism.

  5. This was awesome. Thank you so much for this.

    My brother is autistic and he is 21 years old. His communication skills are not there. For the most part, he thinks and acts like a 2-4 year old. He has no real verbal skills and little dexterity. He still watches, and loves, Thomas Tank Engine, Winnie the Pooh, and Garfield. He’s currently living in an adult living facility and still attending high school, though this will be his last year.

    Your mother, in her efforts to support you and have you work to your full potential, reminds me a lot of mine. She recognized that my brother was very limited in some areas, but he was still capable in other ways. She’s working on finding/developing work programs for him so he can do things like water plants in a garden centre or stock shelves at a grocery store. Those supporting individuals with autism need to realize that there is a huge spectrum out there. People with autism have a full range of abilities and skills, just like – SURPRISE! – everyone else.

    And yes, Austism Speaks is such a deeply problematic association. Stay away!

    1. I’m happy to hear you mom is so supportive. :) I hope your brother continues to do well, and that his living situation stays positive.

      I have a friend who lived around the block from me growing up who is living in a joint living situation- he’s non-speaking, but the other young man speaks. They have staff thee around the clock, and he’s taken up fishing.

      Any how. Thanks for your comment.

    1. Thank you!

      If you were wanting to look at autism and the surrounding oppressions/prejudices from an autistic perspective, there’s a bunch of blogs out there from self advocates. I know that http://fyeahautismspectrum.tumblr.com/ is fairly well frequented. (I myself co-run http://queeringautism.tumblr.com/ )

      I think my Next P’ Sumbission will be a series on Disability advocacy 101? Unless something else comes up before I get through it, that is.

Leave a Reply