Dry Wit: Fierce Bitches

I don’t know about you, but I’m having a helluva week.
My crazy job has turned into beyond unreasonable – sexual harassment, childish behavior, political coercion, and rampant mid-morning hard-liquor drinking (like, team shots, catching coworkers drinking vodka straight out of the bottle that we’d purchased for a company event, etc.) are all some of the travails I’ve encountered in the past week. I’m completely beat, and looking aggressively for a new job. But in the meantime, this is the one I have. I’m stuck with it. No amount of positive thinking will change the fact that my boss asked me to change the lightbulbs in our conference room to red ones because he wanted it to become “the makeout room” for a company event this week, nor will it change the fact that he emailed me detailed instructions on what to email to my elected representatives about private tax law in our state.

Of course, drinking won’t make it any better, and won’t make it go away, either. Drinking will get in the way of my job search, and make me a poorer candidate for future employment.

But what do I do in the mean time?

I think of fierce, funny bitches.

No, for real. I’m all out of spiritual platitudes from my sobriety program. It’s an awesome program, and it is keeping me sober, but sometimes life circumstances are just too huge. Sometimes, you need role models to look up to in order to get through some really sincerely shitty times.

Positive thinking is keeping my head screwed on, it’s keeping my “secret” browser open to job boards and classified ads, and it’s helping me not to burst into truly unseemly tears (or raging bitch fits) when my work life gets too chaotic.

But I need some fierce, funny bitches to look up to, because sometimes I still feel really lost and overwhelmed, and these are women whom I feel would handle my situations with humor, wit, and balls of steel. So here are my own, personal, chosen sobriety mentors. Here are my fierce, funny bitches.

1: Mindy Kaling.

Mindy Kaling
Fierce Funny Bitch #1

Mindy Kaling’s Twitter account keeps me laughing throughout the day. Yeah, she’s awesome on The Office, and I can’t wait to read her book (Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?). But seriously. Of Blake Lively’s weird toga-body suit thing she wore to the Met Gala last week, Kaling says, “She was like the pretty, fashiony white auntie who married my Indian relative.” Of Mother’s Day: “I don’t care if greeting card companies started it. They also started cards that open up and play “Tequila”, another awesome thing.” Mindy Kaling is a fierce, funny bitch who won’t let anyone rain on her parade. She also posts Epicurious recipes she likes – bonus!

2: Carrie Fisher.

Carrie Fisher Princess Leia
Fierce Funny Bitch #2

I was totally going to quote you something from her hilarious autobiographical memoir/show, but in typical this-week fashion, I can’t find my damn copy anywhere. Okay, basically, she is Debbie Reynolds’ daughter and she had a serious pill problem, but now she’s better, and the self-deprecating humor alone is enough for me to love Princess Leia forever.

3: Tina Fey. Also, Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey Amy Poehler
Fierce Funny Bitches #3, together

I just finished reading Bossypants yesterday and a story Tina Fey told about Amy Poehler (that has been circulating on the Internet and I’m sure you can find it anywhere) has kept me really inspired. Basically, Amy Poehler made a gross joke and Jimmy Fallon was like, “ew, I don’t like it!” and she went all black-eyed ragey and said, “I don’t fucking care if you like it,” which, you know, is fantastic. Amy Poehler via Tina Fey has inspired me this week not to fucking care if my coworkers like the fact that I’m holding it together with a flimsy set of earbuds and lots of brownie bites right now.

Do I have rage right now? Yeah, I have rage. But it’s okay. Fierce, funny bitches are allotted a certain amount of justifiable rage. And I will go all zen mama and love-my-neighbor when I get the hell out of here. In the mean time, I can cry a lot, or I can laugh my ass off at how utterly ridiculous all of this is. I don’t need examples of how to handle this shit gracefully anymore. I don’t need examples of how to be ladylike, how to keep my calm, or how to retain my dignity. My dignity is intact, it’s fine, really – don’t worry about it – but what I need (in fact, maybe what we all need) are some examples of how to be laughably disturbed, how to throw a bitch fit and still sound smart, how to turn a horrible setup into knee-slapping, snort-worthy hilarity without erasing our experiences or having to concede that what we’re going through isn’t such a big deal.

It is a big deal. But I don’t fucking care if people are concerned that I’m not calm about it right now. Only a moron would be calm in the face of all of this. But you know what I am doing? I’m laughing my ass off. And I believe that kind of laughter has some power in it.

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Meghan Young Krogh

Meghan had a number of quality writing mentors over the course of her education, which just goes to show that you can't blame the teacher for the way the student turns out. Team Oxford Comma represent.

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