There are only two more episodes left of America’s Next Top Model for Cycle 16! Can you feel the excitement? Can you feel the tension?! My cat just yawned. IT’S ON, PERSEPHONEERS! Who will make the final two? Molly? Hannah?? Brittani??? Should I ask more questions? WHY AM I ASKING YOU? YOU ARE NOT HERE!
Sorry. This is what happens when you blog while inhaling chocolate chip cookies. Don’t do drugs, kids.
The beginning of this episode of ANTM focused on the moddles talking smack about one another. Blah blah I’m more high fashion than the other two. Blah blah I have a better walk. Blah blah I’m more dynamic. Blah blah I make better tuna casserole than those other two skanks — you know, the usual. This is a pretty typical weeknight at my house. (FYI — I PWN my husband on the runway AND HE KNOWS IT.)
Hannah wants to win so she can escape Houston. Brittani wants to escape the trailer park. Molly wants to escape her past of being adopted. It’s a Lifetime movie up in here, except Harry Hamlin hasn’t tried to kidnap anyone. But fingers crossed!
Lara Spencer from The Insider stopped by via the tee-vee to give the models their challenge: Pick a fashion trend and report on it for her show. I don’t watch The Insider, but it appears to be some Hollywood let’s-chase-celebrities-who-will-be-forced-to-smile-and-pretend-they-want-to-talk-to-us kind of show, which means it looks atrocious. The winner’s ninety second spot will appear on The Insider’s website and will be viewed by several, probably.
Hmmmm… I’m guessing my next bloggin’ job will not be with The Insider. Perhaps I should check myself before the wrecking of myself will commence. What would Ty Ty have me do? She would tell me to be a professional! Which means I should bullshit.
The three models ran around the city seeking experts on their various trends for the wonderful hit show The Insider. They had an hour to deliver their ninety-second beauty vlog for the show I think is so sexy I’d like to get it accidentally pregnant after Prom, The Insider. The Insider invented orgasms. The Insider’s beautiful host, Lara Spencer, is secretly Batman. The Insider thinks you look good in those jeans, no matter what your mom says.
So who performed the best?
Brittani vlogged about henna. She spent about half the video running away from the camera for some reason. Then, since she couldn’t find anyone who “fucking spoke English” to interview, she asked a random dude leading questions so that he could nod at her. “So, do you think henna is a nice tradition?” *nod* “Henna is good for weddings, eh?” *nod* The best part was this guy giving her a truly superlative “bitch, plz” face while he nodded. He might not have spoken English, but he knew what was up.
Hannah introduced us to argan oil, which has a lot of Vitamin C, er, E; is completely organic, and has general “wonderful properties.” Beauty products with an added dash of “wonderful” will do for me in a pinch, especially when I can’t get a face cream with “like, ZOMG” in it.
Molly went to a spice pharmacy to share with us the wonders of black kohl, which is a crushed powder derived of stone. She did pretty well, even noting that one would have a fierce smize when they are wearing black kohl eyeliner. Right at the end, in the last two seconds, she stood up and said, “That was horrible,” thinking she was off camera. Whoops. Even so, she won the challenge.
Later on, Tyra visited the ladies at their Marrakesh apartment. Auntie Ty Ty spoke with them about the various issues in their lives. It was touching, and everyone cried. Even my co-writer, Bloggy the Wonder Cat, was moved.
Ty Ty gave lots of hugs, and told the models that perfection was boring, and that it’s our struggles that make us interesting people. Deep, huh?
Then she took their pictures, for Tyra is an avid photographer. She’s not noted, like Nigel Barker, but she still gets to do it, because it’s her show. Mucho kohl was applied to the moddles’ eyes, caftans were draped upon their lithe bodies, and globs of grease went into their hair. I don’t know why. I suppose we’re to call it “artsy.” And then they danced on the roof top!
Post rooftop hijinks, they were bussed to the beach for their photo shoot. Who should await them there? None other than Nigel Barker, Noted Fashion Photographer, looking Smurfy in the surfy. The models wore Moroccan wedding gowns and posed with a Truly Hot Guy.
Molly had no sexual chemistry with the Truly Hot Guy, which seems barmy to me. At this point, Truly Hot Guy is my pick to win America’s Next Top Model. Hell, he could win America’s Next Top Anything.
Hannah did better, for she appreciated Truly Hot Guy’s amazing talent, which was being truly hot. Brittani decided to have a narrative of being disdainful of Truly Hot Guy, because she’s no good at being sexy. After a bit of criticism from Mr. Jay Manuel, she burst into tears. She decided that this emotion was kick-ass, but Nigel noted that she can’t just cry in frustration every time she’s sucking and call it a choice.
The guest judge at panel was Ivan Bart, Senior Vice President of IMG Models. All together now: ooooooooooooooooh.
Brittani’s pics were dubbed wonderful, but Nigel had such trouble shooting her that Mr. Bart said that was a baaaaaaaad thing for a model management company to hear. Hannah became too emotional, but Ivan said of the three women standing before him, she had the most star quality. Tyra said that Hannah might be a star, but not a star in 2011. I don’t really know what year she thought Hannah belonged in. 1942? 2342? I bet modeling in the year 2342 is done by Killer Model Robots, so that can’t be it.
Best photo went to Molly, who is now an OFFICIAL FINALIST!
The other finalist chosen was Brittani, which left poor Hannah shafted.
Molly and Brittani will be walking in a Vivienne Westwood fashion show on next week’s final episode. That should be awesome. Not the models so much, but Vivienne Westwood kicks ass!
So what team are you on, faithful readers? Team Molly or Team Brittani? I’m kinda Team Meh, but Leaning Toward Molly. Brittani just gets on my nerves. I liked Hannah the best. Boo-urns.
I don’t know how we’re all going to sleep this week, knowing that the universe hangs in the balance between the forces of Molly and Brittani! Oh, well. Don’t get too worked up over it; the world’s going to end on May 21st anyhow, according to various sign-wielding persons loitering outside the Walgreens.