Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.12: “Yo Model So Emo, When She Sits Around the House, She Cries a Lot.”

There are only two more episodes left of America’s Next Top Model for Cycle 16! Can you feel the excitement? Can you feel the tension?! My cat just yawned. IT’S ON, PERSEPHONEERS! Who will make the final two? Molly? Hannah?? Brittani??? Should I ask more questions? WHY AM I ASKING YOU? YOU ARE NOT HERE!

Sorry. This is what happens when you blog while inhaling chocolate chip cookies. Don’t do drugs, kids.

The beginning of this episode of ANTM focused on the moddles talking smack about one another. Blah blah I’m more high fashion than the other two. Blah blah I have a better walk. Blah blah I’m more dynamic. Blah blah I make better tuna casserole than those other two skanks — you know, the usual. This is a pretty typical weeknight at my house. (FYI — I PWN my husband on the runway AND HE KNOWS IT.)

Ahem.

Hannah wants to win so she can escape Houston. Brittani wants to escape the trailer park. Molly wants to escape her past of being adopted. It’s a Lifetime movie up in here, except Harry Hamlin hasn’t tried to kidnap anyone. But fingers crossed!

Lara Spencer from The Insider stopped by via the tee-vee to give the models their challenge: Pick a fashion trend and report on it for her show. I don’t watch The Insider, but it appears to be some Hollywood let’s-chase-celebrities-who-will-be-forced-to-smile-and-pretend-they-want-to-talk-to-us kind of show, which means it looks atrocious. The winner’s ninety second spot will appear on The Insider’s website and will be viewed by several, probably.

Hmmmm… I’m guessing my next bloggin’ job will not be with The Insider. Perhaps I should check myself before the wrecking of myself will commence. What would Ty Ty have me do? She would tell me to be a professional! Which means I should bullshit.

The three models ran around the city seeking experts on their various trends for the wonderful hit show The Insider. They had an hour to deliver their ninety-second beauty vlog for the show I think is so sexy I’d like to get it accidentally pregnant after Prom, The Insider. The Insider invented orgasms. The Insider’s beautiful host, Lara Spencer, is secretly Batman. The Insider thinks you look good in those jeans, no matter what your mom says.

So who performed the best?

Brittani vlogged about henna. She spent about half the video running away from the camera for some reason. Then, since she couldn’t find anyone who “fucking spoke English” to interview, she asked a random dude leading questions so that he could nod at her. “So, do you think henna is a nice tradition?” *nod* “Henna is good for weddings, eh?” *nod* The best part was this guy giving her a truly superlative “bitch, plz” face while he nodded. He might not have spoken English, but he knew what was up.

Brittani interviews a local Marrakesh man on America's Next Top Model.
What's Arabic for "What you talkin' about, Brittani?"

 

Hannah introduced us to argan oil, which has a lot of Vitamin C, er, E; is completely organic, and has general “wonderful properties.” Beauty products with an added dash of “wonderful” will do for me in a pinch, especially when I can’t get a face cream with “like, ZOMG” in it.

Molly went to a spice pharmacy to share with us the wonders of black kohl, which is a crushed powder derived of stone. She did pretty well, even noting that one would have a fierce smize when they are wearing black kohl eyeliner. Right at the end, in the last two seconds, she stood up and said, “That was horrible,” thinking she was off camera. Whoops. Even so, she won the challenge.

Later on, Tyra visited the ladies at their Marrakesh apartment. Auntie Ty Ty spoke with them about the various issues in their lives. It was touching, and everyone cried. Even my co-writer, Bloggy the Wonder Cat, was moved.

Miss Worded's cat eagerly watches ANTM with her.
Your remote control? My pillow, bitch.

 

Ty Ty gave lots of hugs, and told the models that perfection was boring, and that it’s our struggles that make us interesting people. Deep, huh?

Then she took their pictures, for Tyra is an avid photographer. She’s not noted, like Nigel Barker, but she still gets to do it, because it’s her show. Mucho kohl was applied to the moddles’ eyes, caftans were draped upon their lithe bodies, and globs of grease went into their hair. I don’t know why. I suppose we’re to call it “artsy.” And then they danced on the roof top!

Tyra Banks dances on an episode of America's Next Top Model.
But can you model and dance? A top model can!

 

Post rooftop hijinks, they were bussed to the beach for their photo shoot. Who should await them there? None other than Nigel Barker, Noted Fashion Photographer, looking Smurfy in the surfy. The models wore Moroccan wedding gowns and posed with a Truly Hot Guy.

Molly had no sexual chemistry with the Truly Hot Guy, which seems barmy to me. At this point, Truly Hot Guy is my pick to win America’s Next Top Model. Hell, he could win America’s Next Top Anything.

A beautiful malemodel poses with Hannah on America's Next Top Model in Marrakesh Morocco.
Modeling is a tough job.

 

Hannah did better, for she appreciated Truly Hot Guy’s amazing talent, which was being truly hot. Brittani decided to have a narrative of being disdainful of Truly Hot Guy, because she’s no good at being sexy. After a bit of criticism from Mr. Jay Manuel, she burst into tears. She decided that this emotion was kick-ass, but Nigel noted that she can’t just cry in frustration every time she’s sucking and call it a choice.

The guest judge at panel was Ivan Bart, Senior Vice President of IMG Models. All together now: ooooooooooooooooh.

Brittani’s pics were dubbed wonderful, but Nigel had such trouble shooting her that Mr. Bart said that was a baaaaaaaad thing for a model management company to hear. Hannah became too emotional, but Ivan said of the three women standing before him, she had the most star quality. Tyra said that Hannah might be a star, but not a star in 2011. I don’t really know what year she thought Hannah belonged in. 1942? 2342? I bet modeling in the year 2342 is done by Killer Model Robots, so that can’t be it.

Best photo went to Molly, who is now an OFFICIAL FINALIST!

Molly wins best photo on America's Next Top Model in Marrakesh Morocco.
Angst -- in for fall 2011.

 

The other finalist chosen was Brittani, which left poor Hannah shafted.

Brittani poses on America's Next Top Model in Marrakesh Morocco.
No, Brittani -- you should go TOWARD the hot Moroccan dude. Modeling: UR DOIN IT RONG.

 

Molly and Brittani will be walking in a Vivienne Westwood fashion show on next week’s final episode. That should be awesome. Not the models so much, but Vivienne Westwood kicks ass!

So what team are you on, faithful readers? Team Molly or Team Brittani? I’m kinda Team Meh, but Leaning Toward Molly. Brittani just gets on my nerves. I liked Hannah the best. Boo-urns.

I don’t know how we’re all going to sleep this week, knowing that the universe hangs in the balance between the forces of Molly and Brittani! Oh, well. Don’t get too worked up over it; the world’s going to end on May 21st anyhow, according to various sign-wielding persons loitering outside the Walgreens.

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Lucy Woodhull

Lucy Woodhull is a novelist, humorist, parodist, and all-around geek. Her new venture is THE SHITTIEST PRINCESS, a series of un-fair-y tales right here on Persephone. You can check out her sexy, fun romantic comedies at www.lucywoodhull.com.

9 thoughts on “Recap: America’s Next Top Model, Episode 16.12: “Yo Model So Emo, When She Sits Around the House, She Cries a Lot.””

  1. I was on Team Hannah all the way, and I think it’s BS she was sent home. If the agent who is actually signing whoever wins this says she has the most star quality, SHE SHOULD STAY. Also, except for last week, Hannah has never had a bad picture. And she was NICE. She reminds me a lot of Annaleigh a few seasons back, who was EASILY my favorite that season, and also finished third (I thought it was BS then too.)

    Of the other two, I’m team Brittani. Somehow when she feels sorry for herself being raised in a trailer park, I find a smidge of sympathy. Whereas when Molly feels sorry for herself for being adopted, I want to tell her to get over herself (possibly because my best friend and two of my cousins were adopted, and they are all perfectly well-adjusted.) Also, they both have bad attitudes, but Molly’s is way worse. I feel like she’s in permanent eye roll mode.

    And looking at how much I just wrote, I think it’s possible I’m watching too much of this show. Sigh.

  2. Whyyyy did they all have disgusting hair at panel?? Molly’s hair made me a little queasy. Did they all put Tyra’s grease BACK in their hair? Or was it aired out of real life sequence? You could have rubbed a frying pan on Brittani’s head and then made some delicious hash browns.

    I think Nigel is still anti-Brittani after the whole Voldemoddle incident, so unless Molly majorly fucks it up, she’ll probably win.

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