Halloween Review: Apparently Hamsters are Sexy This Year

Despite the fact that it was 108 goddamn degrees here just a few short weeks ago, time has continued its cruel, inexorable march forward, and we now find ourselves for some reason on the brink of October. And if October is known for one thing, other than open Pottermore registration, my birthday, and National Slacktivism Awareness Month, it’s the faintly desperate invasion of vacant storefronts by merchants of shoddy novelty apparel that somehow manages to offend and bore in equal measure. That’s right: it’s Sexy Halloween Costume Time!

In fact, here’s a fun party game I just made up called Costume Company CEO: pick any five objects at random from where you are sitting and put the word “Sexy” in front of them. (I got Sexy Ukulele, Sexy Bamboo, Sexy Nail File, Sexy Vegan Cookbook, and Sexy USB Drive, at least three of which are probably already available for purchase.) Pick a winner however you want because honestly, nobody wins.

So, what professions, inanimate objects, and previously-symbolic-of-childhood-innocence cartoon characters have been inexplicably sexified this year? Here are the top five, but do note that there are dozens more in store if you’re willing to brave a trip to your local bankrupt retailer/temporary costume shop.

5. Sexy Edward Scissorhands

Nostalgia, especially the kind of nostalgia that tends to be cynically sold back to 26-year-olds who feel so old because kids born in the 90s can totally drink now, works in odd ways. “I remember that” is easily mutated into “I remember liking that,” and it’s only a short step from there to “I remember wanting to fuck that.” Which is how Johnny Depp’s iconic 1990 role as a grotesque Frankensteinian pariah with a heart of gold inevitably turned into this misguided (yet relatively conservative – a lesser retailer might have just packaged a black pleather thong with a couple broken pairs of scissors) getup.

 

 

4. Sexy Whatever This is Supposed to Be, Like a Racecar Driver or Something?

“Yeah, just put something together with some checkered-flag shit and probably some red. And some pointless fucking gloves, I guess? I don’t fucking care, just have it on my desk by five.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Sexy Hamster in a Track Suit

You’ve seen that Kia Soul commercial, right? The one with a bunch of totally dope hip-hop CGI rodents extolling the comparative virtues of their preferred automobile over toasters and hamster wheels (evidently Kia’s primary competitors)? And let’s be honest with ourselves: who among us saw that commercial and didn’t think, “Man, if only those hamsters were sexier“? Wish granted, friends! There are three different versions of this costume available.

 

 

2. Sexy Decapitated Cartoon Robot Maid

As popular and lucrative as the ubiquitous Sexy French Maid costumes are for manufacturers who have decided the ultimate sexy fantasy is women who clean up all your goddamn messes, something was still off. Maids just weren’t docile enough anymore, and the fantasy had become too commonplace to be adequately disturbing. Thankfully, some intrepid designer truly thought outside the box on this one: “Let’s have the French maid be a cold, lifeless robot! Like the robot maid from The Jetsons, who was never ever intended to be remotely (ha!) sexy in any way, shape or form! And let’s have her carry around her own fucking severed head!” Anyone lamenting the death of the three-martini business lunch should probably go into costume design.

 

1. Sexy Beer Keg

Some people complain that Halloween costumes these days aren’t even scary anymore. But keep this in mind: for every woman who wears this to a Halloween party this year, there will be countless bros, men who have college degrees, men whose votes count the same as yours, who will think that their comments about “tapping that” are totally clever and unique, and that they are sure to get laid because of them. And some of them will be right.

 

 

 

 

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