Recap: Project Runway, Episode 9.9: “Papa Was So Badly Sewn, My Son”

Persephoneers, I would like you to guess what sort of challenge was featured on Project Runway this week.  If you guessed “team,” then give yourself a deep glass of something alcoholic, because you’re right and we all lose!  You can see the poor contestants begin to convulse when the “T” word is uttered.  They shudder more than Olivier does at the sight of boobs.  Why do you think he’s afraid of the titties?  Did mommy breastfeed him through middle school?  These are the kinds of hard-hitting questions I don’t want answers to!

This week’s challenge was an interesting one:  create an image for an unsigned rock group (The Sheepdogs) who won a contest to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone.  The winning looks will be featured in an advertorial in both Marie Claire and Rolling Stone magazines and the whole thing was sponsored by Garnier.

tim gunn

Tim picked the team members out of a bag.  I’ll attempt to re-enact for you what happened as the first team was selected.

Tim:  Olivier.

[Olivier smiles]

Tim:  Viktor.

Olivier and Viktor:  Yay!

Tim:  Kimberly.

Olivier, Viktor, and Kimberly:  Yay!

Tim:  Joshua.

[Crickets]

Anya:  Oh, wow, that’s a good team. [Said as if she’s been forced to compliment a badazzled hair scrunchie.]

Yup, no one wants Joshua.  Five minutes into the show and I dream of this team going down in flames so that Joshua can be voted off Fashion Island.  And maybe Olivier, who is afraid of tits and fat people.  Joshua decided this team would be called Team Untitled.  I don’t know why he rejected my idea of calling them Joshua and the God-I-Hope-He-Goes-Away-Cats.

That left Bert, Laura, Anya, and Anthony for the other team, who called themselves Team Harmony.  I’m not sure they know what “harmony” means.

But the biggest twist of them all?!?!  The Sheepdogs were men!  MEN!!  You can’t expect fashion designers to dress men in fashion clothing!!!  The only one happy that they were men?  Olivier.  Go figure.

The Sheepdogs had long hair and looked cool, so I was excited to see PR get a little rock-and-rolley.  I couldn’t wait to see who the guest judge would be.  Please be Justin Bieber please be Justin Bieber please be Justin Bieber.  Each Sheepdog would be matched with a designer.

You may remember from an earlier “T” challenge that Laura, Bert, and Anthony worked together like Ann Coulter and basic human decency, so it was nice to see them being friendly to one another when buying fabrics at Mood.  Bert seems to have actually learned that his past abrasiveness didn’t win him any points.  I respect that.  Change is hard, especially when you know you’ve been an ass.  Golf clap, sir.

The band member matched with Olivier was Ewan, who dared to not be tiny in size.  Cue Olivier muttering around the workroom about how big he was and how undersized the mannequin was and whine whine bitch bitch oh just fucking get over it!  I have to tell myself that Olivier is very young, but his cut of slack is getting smaller and smaller in my book.  Olivier is a menswear designer, yet he cannot handle a barrel chest on a six-three guy.  I’m playing the world’s smallest air guitar for him.  Can you hear, er, see it?  Too bad you can’t — I’m spectacular and it ended in a split.

This is Ewan.

Ewan from The Sheepdogs Project Runway
I dare you to not pinch those cheeks!

Bearded dudes with Jesus hair are not my usual thing, but how can you hate on this cutie?  And he was so sweet, even when Olivier called him “bigger” over and over again as if it meant “cockroach.”

Then we were all treated to a shot of Joshua’s underwear-clad butt.

[Crickets]

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR.

Garnier hair shit is the best hair shit!  It defines and makes everything shiny and it magically makes rockers with curly hair and beards look like even better rockers with curly hair and beards!  Garnier!  Hair!  Beards!  Spray!  Fluff!  Lather!  Rinse! Bathroom break!  I wonder if I have ice cream!  Is this part over yet?!

BACK TO OUR SHOW.

Joshua designed a pant for rocker Ryan that included a massive zipper in the crotchal area.

Tim:  It really emphasizes the crotch.

Joshua:  You don’t like that?

I laughed for five straight minutes.  Or maybe I laughed for five gay minutes.  Either way, I have to admit I am Team Crotch Emphasis.  So was Ryan!  Big, giant crotches for everyone!

Even funnier was when Olivier walked in on Joshua talking shit about him.

Joshua and Olivier Project Runway
HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME, ISN'T HE? BLINK ONCE FOR YES.

Instead of a runway show, the band performed two songs, one for each of the teams of designers. The guest judge for this week was Adam Lambert, of American Idol fame.

I must warn you now:  what you are about to see may disturb you.  Giant dick zippers notwithstanding, there is some bad, bad “fashion” ahead.  Proceed with caution.

Team Harmony was going for “Jimi Hendrix.”

Bert & Anthony Project Runway The Sheepdogs
Ewan by Bert (left) and Ryan by Anthony (right)

Bert dipped lead singer Ewan in purple tie dye and braided him up like Poca-haunt-us.  I just.  I can’t?  I’m so confused.  I’ve never seen so many gay men dress other men so badly.  Did nobody want to get laid?  The judges liked this one because at least it was “a look” and not just generic, reductive ’60s mishmash.  But Ewan was so obviously uncomfortable I can’t call this anything but a fail.  Nina Garcia liked the braids — she called him a Viking.  Now we all know what Nina is about.  Oh yeah.

Anthony made guitarist Ryan into Cowboy Charles Manson.  He wore a cape of fringe.  A CAPE OF FRINGE.  I think this is what they meant by Cape Fear.  This outfit was dubbed a “Golden Girl goes rock-n-roll” moment by Michael Kors.

Anya & Laura Project Runway The Sheepdogs
Sam by Anya (left) and Leot by Laura (right)

Anya turned drummer Sam into Poca-haunt-us’ little brother, Running Joke.  At least she admitted it was crap.  The pants even split at the back.  Ouch.  Kors pointed out that finally, it really showed that she’s only been sewing four months.

Leot, the other guitarist, fared slightly better at the hands of Laura.  The red jeans were great.  Of course, they were his idea.  Kors called the tank “Sweeney Todd tie dye” because the red looked like quick and dirty Halloween costume gore. The flimsy purple blazer and scarf came from the Chico’s down the street, I’m pretty sure.

At the end of their song the band sang “help me.”  Indeed, gentlemen.  This entire team was less The Jimi Hendrix Experience and more “Scuse me while I make you cry.”  The judges wanted something new and original.  They didn’t get it.

Team Untitled:

Olivier & Joshua Project Runway The Sheepdogs
Ewan by Olivier (left) and Ryan by Joshua (right)

As much as I dislike Olivier’s poorly cut outfit on Ewan, at east the poor bastard didn’t have to wear his hair braided any more.  But why was he wearing a French Bistro tablecloth with napkin pasties?  Heidi Klum called the pants “dad jeans.”  At the judging, it was revealed that the sleeves were rolled because they lacked a hem or cuff.  Olivier trotted out the “he’s so big” excuse.  Again.

Joshua put Ryan in a whole lotta patterns and business.  He looked like the human version of this:

RCA Off Air Test Pattern

I wish the entire torso portion had been off air.  The best part?  Crotch zipper!  I’m not gonna lie — it was hot.  Overall, the judges were positive, but felt that, as usual, Joshua took his bling and futzing too far.

Kimberly & Viktor Project Runway The Sheepdogs
Sam by Kimberly (left) and Leot by Viktor (right)

Sam, as dressed by Kimberly, seemed ready for his shift at Arby’s.  I guess the pants were okay.  But the shirt…?  No one wants tie dye made from baby shit and my grandma’s button drawer.  Kors called this “Peter Brady at the autumn harvest festival.”  Adam Lambert quipped, “Scooby Doo, where are you?”  In line to see Li’l Sebastian, apparently.

The fringe monster attacked Leot, too, but… hark!  This outfit by Viktor was good!  Leot’s hot, so that helped.  The jeans made his butt look hella good, and although I don’t love fringe (it’s hard to tell, I know), the pleather jacket with braid detail worked and the judges loved it.  The shirt was well-fitted and showed off a lot of yummy chest hair.  Yes, I enjoyed Leot.  Mmmmmmmmmm.

The winner?  Pretty easy — Viktor was the only one who actually made an honest-to-God rocker outfit that wasn’t unintentionally ventilated in the ass.  Sad but true.

It took the judges a while to decide who was the absolute worst.  Their collective cup overfloweth with flower-power dreck.  Kimberly and Olivier fell into the bottom two, but it was Olivier who went home, and deservedly so.  For a menswear designer to turn out such bile was unforgivable.  I really think Olivier defeated himself because he just could not bring himself to do his best work for anyone other than a model.  And I think that’s bullshit.  I hope he grows up.

Viktor got to go to the magazine photoshoot to watch Leot work his outfit — it was adorable.  He’s one of the nice ones, and it’s delightful to see a good guy finish first.

Until next week, mes amis, stay cool… and don’t wear any fringe!  FRINGE FLAME WAR IN 3… 2… 1…

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Lucy Woodhull

Lucy Woodhull is a novelist, humorist, parodist, and all-around geek. Her new venture is THE SHITTIEST PRINCESS, a series of un-fair-y tales right here on Persephone. You can check out her sexy, fun romantic comedies at www.lucywoodhull.com.

14 thoughts on “Recap: Project Runway, Episode 9.9: “Papa Was So Badly Sewn, My Son””

  1. The worst thing to come out of this ep is that Mr. Cupcake, who looks like Ewan with about 15-20 years on him, has now decided to grow out his hair so he can have Viking braids.  That said, I’d rolled my eyes at the braids until Nina said the word “Viking”. Then silly became kinda sexy.  I totally want to LARP Thor with Ewan, now.

    I’m not a big Olivier supporter, but, having tried to make clothes for a guy Ewan’s size before, I kinda get where he was coming from. It’s not easy to make something for a guy who wears a 52 sport coat when most patterns only go up to 48. I wasn’t quite as bitchy about it, though.

     

  2. Between this episode and the last, I wanted to punch Oliver SO MUCH.  HEAVEN FORFEND THAT PEOPLE WHO AREN’T SLENDER WAIFS WANT TO WEAR CLOTHES.  I cheered when he got booted so I won’t see any more of his smug, fat hating whinging.  The stunned faces of Ewan and Tim when he was like “yes, he’s big!” were great, though.

    That said, The Sheepdogs looked soooooooooo awkward about the whole thing by the end.  They started off game, but man, I just wanted to hustle them out of there about halfway through for their sake.  I mean, the pigtails?  The excessive tie dye the far too frequently looked like poop?  Urgh.

    1. Somehow, I don’t think Olivier’s position is all that uncommon, even if the judges insist that designers have to consider an actual living human being wearing their clothes. Olivier is very much in the “models are hangars” camp against the “clothes have to be worn by real people” camp.

  3. I”m enjoying the hell out of this season, both due to your and Liza’s awesome recaps, but also because all the challenges have been really interesting.

    That being said, I think nearly everyone stank at this particular challenge.  And I felt for the Sheepdogs, who looked like deer in the headlights for most of the show.

    I also need a .gif of that Joshua moment you so perfectly capped above.

    C-YA, Oliver. I can’t say I’ll miss you muttering about fat under your breath, or your unidentifiable accent, since you are from OHIO.  My grandma’s bathroom had your shirt fabric as wallpaper.

    I didn’t want to take my pinking sheers to Joshua this week, maybe he’s growing on me?

    I thought Viktor earned the win, I liked most all of the pants, even Burt’s eggplant stripey number.

     

  4. I was surprised that Bert’s Ewan outfit got any compliments.  I thought the dye on the shirt in the back made it look like he’d shat himself.  I am liking Anya more and more.  For the first several episodes I really thought she was a fraud and it would show through.  But I think she may have actual talent.  Viktor deserved to win this challenge.  Olivier definitely deserved to go home with his dumb fake accent that changed every episode and his fat shaming bullshit.

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