“I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name. F**k Sookie!”
It’s the end to another season of True Blood. I know that you, dear readers, have many important feelings about the gory finale, just as I do, so let’s share them over this recap.
As I predicted, the last episode was definitely the best. There were times I cheered at loud, once I pumped my fists in the air, and another time I clasped my hands and giggled like a wee schoolgirl. But I have not forgotten what a horrid mess the rest of the season was. Oh, I’ll be back next year like the little sheep I am, but if Ball thinks and episode about forgiveness and moving on is going to trick the audience into forgiving and moving on, well, I’m not sure it’ll work.
But giving us back Russell is a start.
Terry and Arlene: Arlene’s daughter dresses up for Halloween as Janelle from Teen Mom, when I thought she was dressed up as Arlene. Arlene and Terry go as zombies, because as she helpfully points out, “Zombies are the new vampires.” Since this is the second time this season zombies have been mentioned, we’re going to have zombies in S5. Terry is visited by an old army buddy, who I assume is a ghost, and then Rene shows up to warn his ex-girlfriend that Terry’s ghosts are going to make her life hell.
Andy and Holly: Andy declares himself clean, even though he only gave up V yesterday. But he’s adorable and sweet, and while Holly isn’t ready to date him, she’ll take a comforting hug in the parking lot of Merlotte’s. More focus on this pair, plz.
Sam: He buries his brother at the worst attended funeral in the world. There’s not even a priest. Mama Foytenberry shows up because she really loved Tommy, even though he was a no-goodnik and invites Sam to call her Mama. This is either sweet or twisted. Or a bit of both. Luna seems to be OK with Sam’s role in Marcus’s death and there’s a sweet promise of a future there. His personal cliffhanger: being confronted by a snarling wolf outside his trailer. I’m assuming that the wolf is ghost Marcus.
Alcide: Moaning over his break up with Debbie, Alcide shows up at Merlotte’s to suggest that Sookie start dating him, because he’s really, really, ridiculously good-looking. He’s not dysfunctional enough to be attractive to her though, so he gets sent packing, just in time to get an Important Plot Phone call from one of his construction workers. Someone’s dug a giant hole in the floor of a parking garage! Someone who was tied down with silver chains!
I am in no way exaggerating that I threw both of my arms into the arm and yelled “˜RUUUUUSSSELLLL!” at the top of my lungs.
Pam: Pam does not understand why her hundred-year-old relationship with her father is being shoved in the trashbin. She is flipping out. She is rightfully flipping out about Sookie Stackhouse and her magical fairy vagina. And then she is having a total meltdown while Ginger comforts her. Oh, Pam. You’ve gone through so much this season. You don’t know it, but Eric still loves you. He’s unwilling to summon you to your death to save himself from Marnie, but you’ll have to wait a couple of months to make up with your maker.
Nan: I take this death the hardest. Even though I laughed hysterically when Eric ripped the heads off the gay stormtroopers, and you did nothing but speak the sarcastic, bitter truth, you still got staked by King Bill for insulting his manliness. You deserved better. Or at least more screen time for your one-liners.
Jessica and Jason: Jason owns up to his transgressions with Hoyt, who immediately beats the snot out of him. And you know what? Jason had it coming. Everything that Hoyt spit at him is completely accurate ““ Jason’s life is ruled by his dick, and he doesn’t care what kind of trouble it leads him into, or who he hurts by acting like a horny teenager.
Jess plays Little Red Riding Hood and the wolf, showing up at Jason’s doorstep on Halloween. I was actually surprised by who was under the hood ““ I was sure that it was going to be Crystal, since that whole Hotshot storyline disappeared into the ether, but I’m not complaining. Red is definitely her color. Jessica just wants to use Jason for sex, since she was a sheltered teenager turned vamp turned move-in girlfriend in under three months, and needs to experience life a little. Jason did not look like he knew how to handle that role reversal.
And then Vampire Steve Newland showed up at his house. This isn’t as awesome as, you know, Russell ““fucking”“ Edgington, but mostly because it wasn’t as big of a surprise. Almost every single newscast on the show this year mentioned that he’s been missing, so, yeah. But still! He’s a vampire who loves coordinated sweater sets!
And the rest!
The bulk of the episode was devoted to the aftermath of Marnie’s death. Not one to be ignored, Marnie shoved her astral body into Lala’s mouth and took over command. This ends up being a Bad Thing for Jesus, who uttered the character kiss of death by saying out loud he just wants to be with his boyfriend forever. (Tara does the same thing later. Do none of these people watch TV?) Since Marnie is still steamed about Jesus betraying her, she forces him to give up his brujo powers and then stabs him in the heart.
Goodbye, functional adult relationship. You were sweet while you lasted.
Marnie then decides to finish what she started, by burning Bill and Eric at the stake. Sookie, Tara, and Holly, party poopers that they are, show up at Bill’s house to ruin her plans, and, like, save Lala from the mad ghost. Holly pulls some neat witch magic out of her purse and Sookie uses her powers deliberately for once, but the real hero of the day? Adele Stackhouse.
Gran is summoned by Holly’s spell, crossing over the thin veil, along with a bunch of other old cemetery spirits, and then rips Marnie right out of Lala’s body. Antonia and Gran convince Marnie to cross over and let her anger and hatred go. I don’t, as other people have suggested, think that they’re headed to heaven. They’re just moving on to the afterlife.
I really liked Marnie as a villain this year. I know she’s doesn’t have the kind of grand motivation that we’ve come to expect in our bad guys, but rooting her maliciousness in her feelings of oppression and otherness is very human. It’s a different kind of evil. Evil that lives in the weak and the wounded, and her slip towards Big Bad is entirely recognizable.
Before Gran leaves, she assures Sookie that there’s no need to fear being alone. Sook already knew what she needed to do ““ she’s been mulling this over since the middle of the season ““ she just needed the final kick in the ass to pull the trigger. After a real-life reenactment of her sex dream, Sook tells the boys she loves them, she forgives them, and then she walks out of their lives.
Back at her house, Tara is comforting Lala as best she can. How do you get past stabbing your lover to death, even if you weren’t steering your own body? There’s pale comfort in being a medium. Jesus visits to tell Lala he loves him and he’ll see him again. But ghosts don’t keep you warm at night.
Sookie comes home, calling out for Tara as she hunts around in the fridge for something to eat. Debbie has been waiting for her, a total wreck ““ Alcide abjuring her was the last straw. She was barely holding on when she was playing happy homemaker at the beginning of the season. Now she’s got nothing but a loaded shotgun.
Tara takes the shot meant for Sookie. In a rage, Sookie tackles Debbie, wrestles the gun away from her, sticks it under her chin, and pulls the trigger. Our last shot of the season is Sookie cradling Tara’s body, screaming for help.
Here’s the problem with killing Tara. It’s cheap. She’s a character the show never seemed to know what to do with, who heaped a lot of crap on her (impressive) shoulders, and then short-shrifted over and over. The fans disliked her, which is not really Tara’s or Rutina Wesley’s fault ““ how were they supposed to know how to feel about her when most of the time the show didn’t either?
And when the show inevitably resurrects her, nothing’s changed, because there’s still no danger for the main characters on the show. It’ll just be another emotionally hollow moment.
I stand by what I said before: They should have killed Jessica.
Bonus Content: Nirvana Unplugged, “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?”