Deus ex MacIntosh: It’s Just A Little Crush

We’re back for another round of Deus ex MacIntosh, where I solve your problems with the help of TV.  Like always, this column is for yuks, not for helping anyone make serious decisions. 

Dear Selena,

I have a crush on a guy who has a girlfriend. What do I do?

Signed,

Not a Player, Just Crush a Lot

Dear NaP,

We can totally solve this one with TV. If there’s one thing TV does better than present childbirth as an equally beatific and horrifying experience, it’s show us the dangers of crushing on the unavailable. I touched on this topic a few weeks back using Lee Adama from Battlestar Galactica, but I think we can find more apt examples for your particular situation.

Plan A: The Chandler Bing

Before Chandler hooked up with Monica and became the prototype for Marshall Erikson, he was forced to endure several seasons of dating a series of Lady Comedy Stereotypes. The one exception came with a big hitch, she was his BFF Joey’s girlfriend, Kathy (Paget Brewster). (Studio audience: Ooooooooooooh!)

Step 1: Find a way to be alone together in a canoe.

Step 2: Give your crush a pen, and then be locked in an entertainment center by his current girlfriend. (The last part may take some extra planning. Safety first!)

Step 3: Live happily ever after until your crush becomes an FBI profiler and has to fake his own death.

Plan B: The Saffron

On Firefly, juicy Cap’n Tightpants, Mal Reynolds never really had a girlfriend, per se, but like every good captain, he was essentially married to his ship. This proved troublesome to his accidental bride, Saffron.

Step 1: Tell your crush a steamy bible story and then kiss him while wearing poison lipstick.

Step 2: Knock his best friend unconscious.

Step 3: Steal his car and leave him in the path of certain death. If he’s not clever enough to find a way out of that pickle, he’s not really worth your crush.

Plan C: The Donna Moss

Poor Donna waited seven years for a chance to get with her crush, Josh Lyman.

Step 1: Trick your crush into hiring you as his personal assistant.

Step 2: Predict his every need, including keeping him out of Internet flame wars, for the better part of a decade.

Step 3: Become FLOTUS Michelle Obama’s Chief of Staff and live happily ever after with or without your crush.

Hope this helps!

Love, Selena

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[E] Selena MacIntosh*

Selena MacIntosh is the owner and editor of Persephone Magazine. She also fixes it when it breaks. She is fueled by Diet Coke, coffee with a lot of cream in it, and cat hair.

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