Butt Fingering 101

Q: So my boyfriend is bisexual and enjoys being fingered (in and about his anus) and I’m just wondering what the proper technique for that might be?? I’m assuming I should first say goodbye to my fingernails unless I plan on using some sort of butt plug. I’m just curious…

A: Yes, if you plan on putting a finger or fingers up your boyfriend’s butt, most definitely trim your fingernails! (We just wanted to start with that because, well, it’s important.)

Really, and we know this is going to sound annoyingly vague, the proper technique is whatever feels good for your partner, and the only way to know that is to either ask him if he’s got some experience receiving anal stimulation, or experiment. But we can definitely give you some suggestions and things to consider when approaching anal play.

Lube. Lots of it. Put as much as you think you’d need, and then a bit more. You can use pretty much any lube you like for this (EXCEPT WARMING LUBE, future Mr. Paperispatient cautions VERY VERY STRONGLY against putting warming lube up anybody’s ass). There are some thicker lubes that are meant for anal play, but you can also use regular old water-based or silicone lube (remembering, of course, that if you incorporate any toys that are silicone, you’ll want to keep the silicone lube away from them). You’ll also want to steer clear of those “desensitizing” or numbing lubes – for anal play, and especially for your early ventures into anal play, it’s really important that the receiver be able to feel everything that’s going on and say when something hurts.

So, how do you get started? You might try it when you’re already down in the area, like if you’re touching him or going down on him. You mentioned that he likes stimulation around his anus, so you could try touching, stroking, and applying a bit of pressure and see what he likes. If he’s enjoying it and gives you the go-ahead, you can start slowly and gently fingering him; don’t try to get your whole finger in at once, just push a little bit, and if he’s relaxed and ready, your finger will just sort of go in and it might even feel as if it’s being pulled or sucked in a bit. You’ll feel these rings of muscle, and they’ll gradually open up as you continue gently fingering him; don’t force anything and don’t push hard unless he indicates that he wants you to be a little rougher. Once one finger can move in and out pretty easily, and if he wants it, you can add another.

The more you do it, the more things you’ll think of to try as you learn what he likes – twisting or curling your fingers instead of (or in addition to) moving them in and out, jiggling them a bit, going faster or slower or at a different angle, and so on. If you are at all squicked out at the prospect of putting your fingers up your partner’s butt, if you want to make sure your fingers are as smooth as possible, or if you just want to make clean-up a bit quicker, you can wear a latex glove or put a condom over your finger(s).

As for a butt plug, that’s more meant to be inserted and left in place until the crucial moment (or he gets tired of it or something) as opposed to moved around to provide stimulation. But there are plenty of toys to choose from that can be used for anal stimulation, and you two may or may not be interested in incorporating those at some point.

One last thing: it would be remiss of us not to mention that your boyfriend’s bisexuality really has nothing to do with his proclivities for anal fingering. Not that that’s what you’re implying, but it is a common misconception that someone’s orientation can be defined by what they like to do (or that what they like to do determines their orientation), when really it’s a matter of who they like to do it with. (A friend just mentioned to me that her husband told her all of his poker buddies think that a man who likes anal stimulation of any kind is “secretly gay.”) Plenty of straight dudes love anal play, plenty of gay dudes want nothing to do with it. And assholes are, of course, like opinions – everyone’s got one, no matter their gender identity or orientation, so everyone is free to incorporate it into their sex life as much (or as little) as they choose.

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Keep the great ques­tions com­ing! (Hee.) Got a ques­tion to ask, sub­ject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? You can e-mail us at FriskyFeminist@persephonemagazine.com or send us an anony­mous mes­sage via the spiffy new Ask Us! fea­ture here.

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paperispatient

I recently earned my MA in women’s studies. I enjoy reading, working out, playing Scrabble, watching cheesy movies, and cooking yummy vegetarian meals with my partner and Frisky Feminist co-author, Future Mr. paperispatient.

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