This having casual sex thing has been really, really helpful for me. In the few months since I’ve started doing it, I’ve learned a lot more about what feels good for me sexually, opened my mind up to things I’ve never considered about my sexuality and I’ve met some pretty good people along the way. The one thing that I think is most difficult for me, and something I am just now starting to conceptualize, is when to say no.
I mean, if I feel like I wanna say no, then I’m all over the saying of the “no”s. But I feel like recently I’ve reached a saturation of the sexing, where I have sex often enough that it’s tough for me to know that I even want it or don’t want it. I know those of you out there who haven’t had sex in awhile are cursing my name right now, and I don’t blame you, but I’d honestly rather rewind to myself back when I was in my midst of celibacy than to be trying to remember whether I even like sex or not. One thing was clear then: I knew what I wanted, and I wanted sex right then.
Now whenever I feel an inkling of sadness, loneliness or depression, I think about getting laid. That is not healthy. That is not psychologically well-adjusted. I can totally see how people would have sex addictions. I don’t think I’m nearly there yet, but I can see how slippery this slope can get (mmm, slippery slopes). But I think for some of us, when you have sex without the emotion often enough, the sex starts to take over the emotion part, and you rely on it to fulfill the emotional part you’re not getting.
You know what else conflates this whole issue? Actually experiencing emotion during casual sex. I recently had a sexual experience that was extremely positive. The sex itself was good, and I felt a very intense connection with the person I had sex with. It was emotional, but I easily conflated that with sexual pleasure instead of emotional pleasure. Since this encounter, I’ve missed that feeling. I’ve missed that intimacy, and I find myself searching for it in people that I don’t have that kind of emotional connection with. Basically, I keep blowing dudes when I really should just be cuddling with them on the couch and watching Felicity and drinking cocoa.
Thing is, that whole cuddley-wuddley impulse has hit me a few times with a couple of the people I’ve slept with recently, and more often, I ignore it. “Oh, I don’t want a relationship.” It’s true, it’s not inaccurate, but I feel chemistry with this person despite myself. And that impulse does not go away. Instead, it gets funneled into my sexual experience, where I look into their eyes and say a lot of things like “I love you”¦r cock” and talk about my deep dark secrets with them in pillow talk and get really confused when I never hear from them again.
Outside of my sexual life, I practice this thing some of you might be familiar with called intuitive eating. It is what it sounds like. After years and years of dieting and weight loss, I stopped it in an effort to have a more healthy relationship with my body. I’m not always so great at it, but I really do my best to better understand what my body and mind are saying and asking for when it comes to food. Eating is instinctual, and I think we become lost somewhere along the way when we try to regiment it. It’s also poured into other parts of my life, including sleep and social relationships – now it looks like it needs to influence my sexual life as well.
So here I propose something called Intuitive Sexing. Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch wrote a book that was very influential to me in terms of my intuitive eating, aptly titled Intuitive Eating. The book included a set of core principles to intuitive eating, and now I plan to alter these principles to help me better satiate my sexual appetite.
- Reject the slut-shaming mentality. No matter what the media tells me, I am not a slut for having sex with as many people as I’ve had sex with. Having sex with multiple partners at once, as long as everyone is aware of what is going on, is consenting and all that, is totally okay. I mean, if that’s what I really, truly want. Media messages that tell me that only one kind of sexuality is okay, and if that doesn’t match up with what I want, of course I can easily feel shitty about myself. Ignore that shit the best you can (not easy).
- Honor your sexual hunger. This isn’t always easy to do. Sometimes, when you need to get off, there isn’t someone else there to help you do so. So if I’m sexually craving something specific, well, I may have to make do with something else. To me, this means seeing that I’m turned on, and exploring what it is I’m turned on for. What triggered it? How can I satiate that with what I have? Maybe being turned on for awhile and letting it pass would be perfect, maybe rushing to my bedroom to hang out with my Hitachi Magic Wand will do the trick.
- Make peace with sex. Sometimes you think fucked up things during sex. Sometimes you feel icky about sex. Let those thoughts come (heh). Acknowledge them. Move past them. Do not dwell on guilt, icky thoughts or negative body thoughts. Into something totally taboo and something that makes your skin crawl when you’re not cumming to it? That’s okay. Be conscious of it, allow yourself to get off to it when you need to, and don’t let it hurt you when you’re not getting off to it. If need be, talk to someone you can trust about it. Write about it and then burn it. Just don’t let those thoughts go ignored or unacknowledged because that is when, in my experience, they fester and grow.
- Challenge the sex police. There’s no such thing as good sex and bad sex, except for this: good sex is the sex you wanna be having with yourself or consensual partners. Bad sex is sex that you don’t want. You are not bad in bed. And it doesn’t really matter if you’re good in bed with this one partner, because you’re probably a freaking goddess to this other partner. Not into giving head? Then don’t fucking give it, and who ever tries to tell you you’re a bad lay because you’re not into it is not someone you should be having sex with. There’s no right way to do it, and anyone you’re having sex with should be grateful for whatever you decide to share, not a sourpuss for whatever you choose not to.
- Respect your fullness. That’s the original wording for the Intuitive Eating step, and I’m gonna keep it. Not wanting to have sex is okay too. Are you done having sex and your partner hasn’t gotten off? You can stop if you want. You should stop if you really want. If you want to say no, say no. Don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Are you unsure if you don’t want to have sex or not? That’s okay; that exists. Sexual drives are no more black and white than any other drives, and I think can actually be even more confusing. Now, I’m not suggesting you become a completely selfish lover, but I think that there needs to be a genuine desire to get your partner off, and that is arousing in its own right. If you’re turned off by what’s going down, you’re probably being a wet blanket for your lover too, so just shift yourself out of there.
- Discover your satisfaction factor. Again, I like the wording for this step, so let’s keep it. Observe the signs and your body’s cues. This is way more macro than micro, but what does your body do when you need sex? What does it do when you’ve had too much sex? How does it affect you emotionally?
- Honor your feelings without sex. THIS. This is where I need to learn to improve. Maybe I don’t want a relationship right now, but who the fuck says I can’t go out on a date and hold hands with someone if that’s what I want? Worst case scenario, I change my mind and start a relationship. That’s not so bad if that’s what I really want. Or maybe worst case scenario, I am rejected. That’s okay too, because rejection is a natural part of life. It’s shitty but it’s what makes the good times so good. This also means that when I want something besides sex, I really need to be honest with both myself and my partners.
- Respect your body. This is so hard when it comes to sex. No matter how attracted a guy seems to me, I can’t help but think there will be a moment where I contort or bend in such a way that the appearance of me will change his mind somehow. Somehow, I tricked him into thinking I’m hot, and the real ugg in me will come popping out, scaring him away. That’s bullshit. I’m hot. He thinks I’m hot, which is why he is fucking me, and a little bit of a belly jiggle in bed will not scare away someone worthy of being in my bed in the first place.
- Exercise.This helps everything, ever. No matter your physical ability level, being as active as you can physically can transform and change so many issues. Not getting enough sex? Burn off some of those hormones on the treadmill. Having too much sex? Burn off some of those hormones before you ask someone you will regret asking to burn them off for you in bed. Seriously, a bike ride might do the trick better than reverse cowgirl on occasion, I promise.
- Honor your sexual health with sexy nutrition. I think total body care is total body care. That means if you want to be fulfilled sexually, you need to be fulfilled physically on all levels. Eat as well as you can, but also treat yourself when you want. Chocolate is an aphrodisiac and I think a staple in any woman’s diet (you know, any woman who likes chocolate that is). I hear people who eat well taste better, too, right?
So there you have it. Intuitive Sexing. What are some other ways we can learn to listen to our bodies in terms of our sexuality? Have you ever had too much sex? Have you ever tried to fuck your case of the lonelies away? Want to spoon? I’ll be the big spoon.