Are there any natural ingredients enthusiasts out there in Hot Ink land today? Because I’ve got a bone to pick with you. Aren’t natural ingredients supposed to NOT irritate my skin? Isn’t that the whole premise?! To get away from harsh chemicals and become one with the earth once more? That’s what all those filthy hippies at the Lush store keep telling me, as strong – no: overwhelming – scents assault my nasal cavity. The answer to those questions is “Yes,” you say?
Well then, WHY does my face look like someone tried to put out a forest fire with a screw driver?
I was in the Lush store last week, because I’d forgotten how much I love their soaps. So I picked up Bohemian and The Godmother, and was about to make my purchase, when I lazily browsed past the refrigerator close to the rear of the store. It held face masks. I fucking LOVE face masks. I will try the $1.99 cheap drug store kinds, all the way up to the $150 Ã¼ber-crazy spa facial kinds. I got super-excited. I may have even done a little jig, provoking the staff to just leave me alone while hovering over their phones in case the need to call security at any further sign of mental instability became necessary.
After reading every single package with extreme scrutiny, I settled on Cosmetic Warrior. It sounded perfect for my needs. I agreed with the packaging! I do have break-out prone skin! I *do* tend to over-clean, leaving my skin irritated! My god! It’s like they see into my SOUL. And for $6.95/2.1oz, I was sold. I brought it home, threw it in the fridge, walked the dog and came back home to become a clean-skinned suburban yuppie hippie.
A quick face wash later, and I was prepped to go. I slathered it on my face, and it felt cool and relaxing. Then the smell hit me. Eggs. But…not delicious breakfast eggs…more like, green eggs and ham gone horribly awry in the Saw version of a Dr. Seuss book. It was so bad that I took my swimming nose plug and clipped my nostrils shut. Anyways, 10 minutes later, I washed it off, and threw on my regular Body Shop Tea Tree moisturizer. Then I derped around my place, watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then went to brush my teeth before bed.
When I looked in the mirror, I discovered a most disturbing sight. Blemishes. EVERYWHERE. And not just one or two. I’m talking like 5 just around my nose. 3 on my jaw line, I even had them on the apple parts of my cheekbones! I *love* my cheekbones! THEY ARE HIGH, AND DEFINED AND DESERVE THE BEST. And I let them down. I gave my cheekbones whiteheads. In penance, I have pretty much flayed the skin off my back like the monks of old. Skin grafts may be a necessity, Lush, and not just on my back. All because of your hippie product that smelled of Satan’s Rotting Butthole.
Oh, and did I mention that I even got a super-painful blemish in my eyebrow? MY EYEBROW. This product gets INKED. But to be totally honest, I wish I could NAPALM this product. 0/8 Tentacles, and a sincere wish that it would be discontinued and for the creator to die in a fire.
Rating: 0/8 tentacles
Editor’s Note: This post originally appeared on the fantastic Hot Ink Reviews, where the ladies are above average and Satan’s Rotting Butthole is served fresh (not from concentrate!) daily.