Crosspost: Wow, is There Ever Egg on *My* Face. Or: A Lush Face Mask Gone Horribly Awry.

Are there any natural ingredients enthusiasts out there in Hot Ink land today? Because I’ve got a bone to pick with you. Aren’t natural ingredients supposed to NOT irritate my skin? Isn’t that the whole premise?! To get away from harsh chemicals and become one with the earth once more? That’s what all those filthy hippies at the Lush store keep telling me, as strong – no: overwhelming – scents assault my nasal cavity. The answer to those questions is “Yes,” you say?

Well then, WHY does my face look like someone tried to put out a forest fire with a screw driver?

And don't say it's because I'm Canadian. We gave you Ryan Gosling. Show some respect!

I was in the Lush store last week, because I’d forgotten how much I love their soaps. So I picked up Bohemian and The Godmother, and was about to make my purchase, when I lazily browsed past the refrigerator close to the rear of the store. It held face masks. I fucking LOVE face masks. I will try the $1.99 cheap drug store kinds, all the way up to the $150 über-crazy spa facial kinds. I got super-excited. I may have even done a little jig, provoking the staff to just leave me alone while hovering over their phones in case the need to call security at any further sign of mental instability became necessary.

After reading every single package with extreme scrutiny, I settled on Cosmetic Warrior. It sounded perfect for my needs. I agreed with the packaging! I do have break-out prone skin! I *do* tend to over-clean, leaving my skin irritated! My god! It’s like they see into my SOUL.  And for $6.95/2.1oz, I was sold. I brought it home, threw it in the fridge, walked the dog and came back home to become a clean-skinned suburban yuppie hippie.

A quick face wash later, and I was prepped to go. I slathered it on my face, and it felt cool and relaxing. Then the smell hit me. Eggs. But…not delicious breakfast eggs…more like, green eggs and ham gone horribly awry in the Saw version of a Dr. Seuss book. It was so bad that I took my swimming nose plug and clipped my nostrils shut. Anyways, 10 minutes later, I washed it off, and threw on my regular Body Shop Tea Tree moisturizer. Then I derped around my place, watched It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then went to brush my teeth before bed.

When I looked in the mirror, I discovered a most disturbing sight. Blemishes. EVERYWHERE. And not just one or two. I’m talking like 5 just around my nose. 3 on my jaw line, I even had them on the apple parts of my cheekbones! I *love* my cheekbones! THEY ARE HIGH, AND DEFINED AND DESERVE THE BEST. And I let them down. I gave my cheekbones whiteheads. In penance, I have pretty much flayed the skin off my back like the monks of old. Skin grafts may be a necessity, Lush, and not just on my back. All because of your hippie product that smelled of Satan’s Rotting Butthole.

Thanks, Google image search. Mitt Romney does fit the description of Satan's Rotting Butthole.

Oh, and did I mention that I even got a super-painful blemish in my eyebrow? MY EYEBROW. This product gets INKED. But to be totally honest, I wish I could NAPALM this product. 0/8 Tentacles, and a sincere wish that it would be discontinued and for the creator to die in a fire.

Rating: 0/8 tentacles

Editor’s Note: This post originally appeared on the fantastic Hot Ink Reviews, where the ladies are above average and Satan’s Rotting Butthole is served fresh (not from concentrate!) daily.

8 thoughts on “Crosspost: Wow, is There Ever Egg on *My* Face. Or: A Lush Face Mask Gone Horribly Awry.”

  1. I am a devoted Lush fan, but I learned to read the labels as closely as I can after an unfortunate bath bomb incident. I have a mild allergy to lemon oil, and one of their bath bombs is a rose/lemon combination that smells wonderful. I didn’t really think about my allergy till I had been soaking for a while and my, shall we say, Sensitive Parts started to itch. And swell. And itch some more. For a day or two. Until I realized that there was lemon oil in the water I thought I was being cursed by a vengeful demon.

    I think the issue may come from the fact that they use more essential oils than other bath product producers. Most companies seem to put in just enough that you can smell that it’s there and leave it at that, while Lush packs it in.

  2. Yes, indeedy, Lush was quite unkind to my lovely visage. I’ve recovered (with only 2 new/late blooming jawline blemishes left)…I will never, EVER pick up that particular face mask again. However, because I am a masochist, I will be trying more of their masks just to figure out if it was the ingredients, or something else that made my skin react. Perhaps it was those stinky eggs – maybe they’d gone off? So keep your eyes peeled for more reviews!

    I would like to say a great big thank you to Persephone Mag. for cross-posting my review! It’s very much appreciated – I shall definitely be returning the favour. :)

    –J

  3. Yikes — I love LUSH but haven’t found any of the face masks to have a particularly pleasant smell. I have only used the ones for Olds but they were so strong I wondered what on earth the ones that weren’t gentle would feel like.

    Sorry to hear about your skin! :(

  4. Mmm-yeah natural =/= awesome for all. I, for example, react to Tea Tree oil, I don’t think it’s an allergic reaction necessarily but it might be, and repeated use causes hives/breakouts/general lack of joy. It sounds like you have something similar going on with the Cosmetic Warrior.

  5.  Aren’t natural ingredients supposed to NOT irritate my skin? Isn’t that the whole premise?! To get away from harsh chemicals and become one with the earth once more?

    Yeah, that’s the first problem right there. ‘Natural’ =/= good for you and ‘unnatural’=/= bad for you. If you don’t believe me, I have some blowfish and belladonna salad for you that’s just to die for!

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