We asked for bad sex advice, and you sent us some! Cosmo got one thing right — we had never used the treats they suggested in “Very Naughty Things to Do With Candy” during sex. That’s pretty much all they got right…
Like we did for our other “Let’s follow this advice for everyone else’s amusement” post, we’ll talk about the suggestions and each of us will give our two cents about the experience. Just be glad we decided not to do the article with the doughnut. (As always, if any of these suggestions appeal to you, don’t get any of this stuff near the vaginas of anybody participating.)
Turn [a candy necklace] into an edible garter. Wear it underneath a skirt or dress, give your guy a sneak peek while you’re out, then have him eat it off you slooowly when you get home.
(In Cosmo land, all of their female readers are of course dating and fucking men.) Paperispatient didn’t tell future Mr. about this tip, opting to surprise him to see his reaction. His response upon discovering the Hello Kitty candy necklace looped around her thigh was “So that’s why you were still wearing clothes, I was wondering.”
paperispatient: I’m neutral. It was uncomfortable and kept sliding down my leg, and the sensation of having hard candy bitten and eaten off me wasn’t unpleasant, but it wasn’t pleasant either. All the chomping and chewing reminded me of our old family dog wolfing down his kibble.
Future Mr.: The main surprise here — and this shows how low my expectations have gotten — is that Cosmo actually suggested wrapping some object around something other than a cock. So… points for creativity, I guess? Though not enough to realize this already exists. Also, it is impossible to eat a candy necklace while looking remotely civilized, let alone sexy, and I spent most of the time concentrating on keeping the candy in my mouth without biting off half a piece so the elastic band slingshots the other half at various body parts. Not that that happened or anything.
Warm up a chocolate bar in the microwave for 15 seconds or until it’s gooey around the edges but not totally melted. Stand in the tub without the water on or on top of an old sheet and have him use the bar to draw a trail down your body. Ask him to lick it up without lifting his tongue off of your skin.
Okay, so we cheated a little bit on this because we had chocolate syrup and decided to use that instead. Chocolate is chocolate! And after seeing the results of this one, it seems best to reduce potential mess wherever possible.
paperispatient: Cosmo is all about the body licking, aren’t they? Which isn’t bad, but how many times do you want to rub edible things on each other and lick them off? Basically, I stood in the shower shouting, “DON’T LET IT GET NEAR MY VAG!” while future Mr. drizzled chocolate syrup on me. I didn’t find it sexy, but I did find it hilarious when he got chocolate all over his nose and chin.
Future Mr.: I like chocolate, and I like your naked body, but somehow the two combine to form a whole that is far less than the sum of its parts.
Blindfold your guy or send him into another room. Suck on the [Warhead] for a few seconds before running it over five unexpected hot spots on your body—like behind your knees, on your left nipple, near your collarbone. Then he has to use his sense of taste to find those areas. If he gets all five right, pass him a Warhead and ask him to challenge you.
Warheads! Ah, this takes us back to fifth grade. Except neither of us were doing things like this in fifth grade. We were pretty skeptical of this one initially.
paperispatient: I actually kind of liked this. I didn’t really like the stickiness, but I love being licked and kissed all over, and I had fun trying to be sneaky and come up with places I knew you’d easily find it, like the tattoo on my ribs, and places that would be more challenging.
Future Mr.: I would rate this one positively as well. It’s not like I needed any incentive to lick and kiss you all over, but Warheads are one of my favorite candies, so that was a nice addition. Next we should do it with Jelly Bellies and add the challenge of identifying the flavor too. I am half joking.
While you’re making out, use [Sour Belts] to playfully whip each other’s butts. Spanking releases feel-good endorphins and dopamine, which up the pleasure factor and increase arousal and excitement, according to Ian Kerner, Ph.D., Cosmo contributor, sex therapist, and author of She Comes First: The Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.
(Cosmo drinking game: take a shot every time an article mentions the release of dopamines and endorphins instead of just saying, “It feels good.”)
Paperispatient had never heard of Sour Belts, and we couldn’t find any at the store, so we got some Laffy Taffy instead. We’re both big fans of spanking and of impact play more generally, so we were skeptical but sort of curious about this tip. What bugged us was that at least all of the other suggestions hinged on the candy being edible — for this, we could have been hitting each other with anything, although future Mr. wondered aloud what made using taffy any stranger than using a riding crop.
paperispatient: I mean, I like to laugh during sex sometimes, and this made me laugh. Maybe it would have worked differently with the Sour Belts, but the Laffy Taffy kept flopping all around and breaking off. It felt nice enough, but it was hard to hit you the way I wanted to with it, and I just kept thinking, “We’re smacking each other’s asses with hot pink candy.”
Future Mr.: LAUGHING RELEASES ENDORPHINS. SUCCESS. No, but for real, this one was pointless. The taffy kept getting all (there’s no other word for it) flaccid, and the edibility of the whip was not at all relevant. This tip strikes me (as most Cosmo sex tips do) as the result of someone looking around the writers’ room at random objects and saying, “How can we tell someone to use this during sex?”
H/t to Persephoneer Alys Brangwin, who sent us the link to the candy article! If anybody else stumbles across some awful and hilarious advice, let us know!
Keep the great questions coming! (Hee.) Got a question to ask, subject you’d like us to discuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? You can e-mail us at FriskyFeminist@persephonemagazine.com or send us an anonymous message via the spiffy new Ask Us! feature here.