From the Archives: A Carnival of Colors In My Pants

We’re busily reading in preparation for an upcoming book review post as well as doing some research to answer a few questions submitted by some lovely Persephoneers, so we’re reaching back into our archives to find another one of our favorite “we take one for the team and see what happens when we follow magazine sex advice” posts.

Certain Cosmo sex tips have gained a level of infamy among people who enjoy poking fun at Cosmo sex tips. This week, we go there, where neither of us had gone before. That’s right, try to contain your excitement and horror: scrunchies.

We weren’t sure if Cosmo repeatedly suggested incorporating a scrunchie into your hand and blow jobs or if the suggestion was just so goofy and memorable that it easily comes to mind and only seems as if it’s been suggested like twenty times. We fully support being silly about sex and we like the idea of being both creative and thrifty and improvising and discovering a cool sexual use for something not intended as a sex toy (as long as it’s safe, hygienic, etc). But the scrunchie suggestions have always cracked us up.

From “How To Make Sex Even Yummier” (didn’t we just do that last time?):

Hair Scrunchie

“Tying a fabric ponytail holder not too tightly around the base of your guy’s penis can provide pressure that’s less about pain and more about pleasure,” explains Lloyd. “The longer he wears it, the longer he’ll be in a state of suspended lust with this reminder of sex wrapped around him.” The cotton fabric of the scrunchie will also provide a sensation he isn’t used to.”

So basically, use a scrunchie like a cock ring. Yet another in Cosmo’s long line of “You wouldn’t dare do something so unladylike as buy an actual sex toy besides maybe vibrators I guess so let’s just use a common household item instead” sex tips. Not that scrunchies are actually all that common anymore, but after visiting a couple stores we were able to find a “carnival of colors” six-pack.

Verdict

paperispatient: Neutral? It’s the kind of thing that I’d do if you enjoyed it but that I don’t get anything out of, which is fine. It did make me laugh, though ““ I started imagining your scrunchie-wrapped bits doing step aerobics. For that mental image alone, WORTH IT. (Also, “reminder of sex wrapped around him”? Wouldn’t the sex you’re having right at that moment be reminder enough?)

Future Mr.: Well, here’s the thing ““ a scrunchie just sitting there around the base of my cock was a bit too loose to have any of the effects of an actual cock ring, and when we tried doubling it over it was way too tight. So this might provide some sort of actual sensation depending on the thickness of the particular member you’re working with, but for me it was mostly just a “Yup, there’s some cloth on my dick” feeling.

Ize a scrunchie! cat

Disclaimer: This kitten is not a scrunchie. Do not attempt Cosmo scrunchie-related sex tips with a kitten.

From “14 Sex Moves You’ve Never Heard Of” (mostly, and with good reason):

Scrunchie Tip 2007

If you’ve kept up with your Cosmo sex tips, you may remember reading that a scrunchie can be used on a man’s member to help him maintain an erection. Now we’re upping the ante and taking that technique in a new direction. Start by stacking six scrunchies on top of each other over his package. “Then remove them one by one using your lips and tongue,” says St. Claire. “As each piece is removed, it releases a little bit of pressure in his penis, which will make his orgasm more intense when it happens. Plus, the movement of the fabric will feel wild on his skin.”

Well, at least they acknowledge that they’ve suggested a variation of this one before. (I thought this was supposed to be moves we’d never heard of?) Also, we are loath to link to American Apparel, but they did a particular photo shoot with a model wearing lots of scrunchies on various limbs, and this reminded us of that (awkward, forced, and not actually sexy).

Verdict

paperispatient: Once again, if this blew your mind I’d do it again for you. But it just looked ridiculous to me (and sexy things don’t always look sexy, but”¦ no), and I felt like a dog playing with something it wasn’t supposed to when I had a scrunchie hanging out of my mouth and had to decide what to do with it. (I opted to toss my head and chuck it as far as possible.)

Future Mr.: Not gonna lie, the whole tossing-the-scrunchies-with-your-mouth thing just made me think of every movie scene ever where someone is really drunk and trying to be sexy and failing spectacularly. As for the releasing pressure bit, barely. Again, your mileage may vary, but as we were working with standard-sized scrunchies and a standard-sized cock, this probably wouldn’t actually work for most people. There was some sense of building anticipation, but let me let you in on a little secret: when a blowjob is imminent, pretty much anything builds anticipation. Cosmo might as well advise you to “part your lips just above his member, then build sexy anticipation by building a 1:48 scale model plane! Something about glue fumes releasing dopamine!”

H/t to Amber, who reminded us of the infamous scrunchie advice!

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Keep the great ques­tions com­ing! (Hee.) Got a ques­tion to ask, sub­ject you’d like us to dis­cuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? You can e-mail us at FriskyFeminist@persephonemagazine.com or send us an anony­mous mes­sage via the spiffy new Ask Us! fea­ture here.

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8 Comments From the Archives: A Carnival of Colors In My Pants

  1. Avatar of [M] freckle[M] freckle

    I would be too busy pulling all the hairs from the scrunchies while bf would probably wonder Why in Fresh Hell we’re doing it. I’ll pass.

  2. Avatar of AlexAlex

    Ew, I keep scrunchies in my bag as part of my “random shit Alex keeps because people always need it and don’t have it”. WHAT MUST PEOPLE THINK?

    (for the record, the shit includes a hole punch, paper clips, an A4 pad of paper, my pencilcase, a small dinosaur figurine (his name is Goethe and he lives inside Bertha, who is my pencilcase because my pencilcase is a purple Milka cow), breath mints, breath gum, emergency cologne, a half thing of deodorant and a mini thing of handwash. I have a big satchel bag so it’s not that inconvenient.)

    1. Avatar of paperispatientpaperispatient

      Bahaha, now I’m imagining someone seductively reaching into their bag for a scrunchie (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d write) and pulling out a dinosaur figure named Goethe along with it! :)

      Also, whoever voted that this post made them feel hungry is cracking me up.

  3. Avatar of sonjamikailsonjamikail

    I first heard this tip from Cosmo in, oh, 1998 or so when I was a naive high school freshman and just starting to experiment with my boyfriend. At the time, scrunchies were the accessory to have, so I had one on me almost all of the time. I decided to be “sexy” and try this for him. It failed miserably. Of course, I thought I was doing something wrong, not yet being old enough or experienced enough to realize most of what is published in Cosmo was, and I’m assuming still is, absolute crap.

  4. Avatar of [M] QoB[M] QoB

     “…build sexy anticipation by building a 1:48 scale model plane! Something about glue fumes releasing dopamine!”

    I laughed so hard I almost had to put a scrunchie on myself.

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