Navigating the Long Distance
On February 6, 2012 at 8:00 pm in Perspectives
I’ve felt reluctant to write about this aspect of my life, but I was recently given the “OK” by Mr. Parkhurst to go for it. Since 2009, he and I have been steadily involved in a long distance relationship. But I’m not talking East Coast to West Coast. Oh no — I’m talking East Coast of the USA to Singapore. That’s 9,406 miles apart, and a 13-hour time difference (right now, anyway — once daylight savings time begins, it goes to 12 hours!) with which to contend. That equates to a 24-hour travel time from point A to point B (notwithstanding delays).
I very reluctantly said goodbye to Mr. Parkhurst last night at the airport. We’ll probably see each other again in another six months. After two indescribably awesome weeks, it was time for him to return to his life in Singapore. He grew up there, his family is there, and he recently took on an awesome job. And with that, it is also time for me to return to my solo-hood here in Boston. At least I have my cat (who hid for just about the entirety of the last two weeks).
So, I’m sure you’re wondering: how the hell did we meet? We actually met through a mutual friend of sorts (i.e., my exboyfriend). We started Skyping, he came for a visit, and the rest is history. It was online dating before it was cool and widely accepted, man.
there we are!
Anyway, it’s taken careful planning and saving (lots and lots of saving) for us to see one another over the years. And no matter how many teary-eyed, snot-nosed goodbyes we’ve said, it never gets easier. In fact, I think this most recent goodbye was the most difficult yet. I will spare you of my moaning on and on about how miserable I feel when Mr. Parkhurst and I separate for months at a time. Instead, I’ll go into how we manage to keep the relationship going in spite of the distance:
Skype
Without skype, this would be a very different situation. Though we both know people who have survived ultra-long distances in ye olden days before computers, that’s not something we have to deal with. Skype has its problems, as do both of our internet connections on occasion, but it works perfectly more often than not. We block off lots of time to talk, which sometimes means sacrificing Friday nights (not that I care, though). If one of us can’t Skype or just doesn’t want to (which happens), we can be upfront with each other about it. Forcing each other into a long conversation is never a good thing, as we’ve learned.
There are obvious downsides to Skyping. On weekdays, we have a really limited window of time to talk. Usually about 15 – 20 minutes after I get in from work, we jump on Skype for about an hour before he has to start getting ready to leave for work. It never seems like enough time, but our schedules are what they are. Another downside to depending on Skype for chatting is the infuriating frustration that results when Skype does not work for one or both of us. We’ve had many, many issues with video quality, audio quality, etc. When you get one hour a day to catch up, having that hour as crystal fucking clear as possible means A LOT.
Packages
Sending packages is fun. So is receiving packages. It’s a bit of a challenge to create a package that has a lot of stuff in it, but also has a low weight. The goal is to keep postage as low as possible while still keeping the contents of the package fun and within quarantine rules. Fortunately, Singapore has really lax quarantine rules (regarding foodstuffs, anyway). It takes around 12 – 14 days for packages to get to Singapore, so timing is everything.
Planning Visits
This relationship depends on long-term plans. We started planning our next visit during this one. Because plane tickets are expensive, and time off from work is required, we need to have things figured out way ahead of time. Having a secure plan makes everything a lot easier to cope with; I always love to have a countdown going for when I’ll next see him. It makes me feel better.
And lastly, just a bit about the dynamic of leaving:
It is never easy. The person leaving must resist the urge to jump out of the security line and fuck all plans to return to life on the other side of the world. They must now sit on a long ass plane ride across the globe with obnoxious people and screaming babies. They get to sit in an uncomfortable seat for hours on end thinking about how shitty it feels to leave someone behind.
The person left behind has to return to a now uninspiring and grey-looking city. They get to go back to an apartment that suddenly feels way too big without the other person. They have to walk past all those spots they visited with the other person. It’s kind of haunting, sometimes.
Dealing with this sort of distance is crazy to most people. Luckily, both sets of parents have eventually become remarkably supportive of our relationship. When either of us tells people we’re involved in an ultra long distance relationship, the most common reaction is “Wow, how do you do it?” It’s difficult, don’t get me wrong. At one point, when our future seemed really, really uncertain, it became almost too difficult to deal with. Now that we both have jobs and can save up for plane tickets on our own, things are much more doable. We’re finally closing in on his permanent move to the U.S., which keeps us going during our time apart.
Have any of you dealt with a long-distance relationship? How did you make things work?
- Inspired
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- Smash!
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philososaurus said on February 7, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Where’s Bicurious Shoes?!
Her and I ‘met’ over at Jezebel when I was just starting my (still ongoing) LD relationship. I don’t want to speak to her situation, but her and her partner had been LD throughout their academic careers, which is what me and my partner were looking at. It was really inspiring to know that people do it. They make it through it…. it was also super nice to have someone to complain to! (Cheers to you, ‘Shoes!)
This is all great advice. I can’t imagine being SO far away. My partner and I are midwest of the US to the east coast. So a flight, but nowhere NEAR an all day travel… Also, what’s really been helpful is that he has a real job that makes money (read: not a graduate student living in the most expensive city on not-enough-loan money) so we’re able to do what a lot of other LD couples can’t: afford plane tickets.
The toughest thing for him and I is that he’s older than I am and, though he’s prepared to wait and in NO WAY pressures me, I knooow he’s ready for a relationship that involves more face-time life-building. Like having a garden and a dog…..
I’m ready for that shit, too….
Ope, now I miss my bf. *sobs*
Crystal Coleman said on February 7, 2012 at 1:33 pm
The Mister and I were a transatlantic relationship for four years, so you have my sympathies. I can’t even imagine the kind of time difference you’re dealing with.You advice is so spot on, though.
Having a really closeknit group of friends helped a lot, too. They knew to keep me busy after he left or I came back. In fact, it was kind of an adjustment after he moved over and he, like, wanted to spend time with me. Crazy, right? I kind of missed my girl and alone time.
The hardest part of long distance, I think, is that you’re placed in a higher level of commitment with very little benefit. You’re putting all your faith in this person (and requesting theirs back) for those brief moments when you’re together. You don’t get to go through all the normal dating routines that other relationships do. There were definitely times where we had to take a break to reevaluate whether it was what we wanted, but in the end, it was and we’re celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary next week.
One of my friends (who had also done the long distance thing) gave me some advice early on: a long distance relationship will never work unless there’s the possibility of one person moving to where the other is eventually. Also, it really helps if you happen to be a travel agent at the time and get agent rates on flights. That was awesome.
philososaurus said on February 7, 2012 at 2:42 pm
Wellllll saiiiiid.
And congrats on the ‘versary!
[M] QoB said on February 7, 2012 at 5:46 pm
Yes. It’s something we’ve decided on as well and I’ve seen friends’ relationships break down eventually because they couldn’t agree after years of consideration and discussion.
milly parkhurst said on February 7, 2012 at 6:45 pm
congrats on the anniversary!
you really do put an immense amount of faith in the other person by not being around them for the majority of the time. there again is where sensitivity and communication comes through. if mr. parkhurst wasn’t so good at talking to me and eliciting thoughts and feelings from me, we wouldn’t be doing as well as we are.
things have definitely looked bleak for us a few times, especially when neither of us had jobs and had no idea when we’d get ones. however, after considering the alternative, we’ve kept on with things in an even stronger manner.
books-and-chocolate said on February 7, 2012 at 10:54 am
My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for about two years after we finished college, and it really is tough. But it always seemed harder when I didn’t know when I’d get to see him again. Having definite plans and a countdown to the next visit helped a lot. We also became fans of online games (specifically the Scrabble stand in on Facebook back when it was Scrabulous). Even if we weren’t in the mood to have a long conversation, we could sit down and play a game and feel like we’d spent some time together. I hope everything works out for you.
philososaurus said on February 7, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Yay! BF and I play Words With Friends
milly parkhurst said on February 7, 2012 at 6:46 pm
we’ve never tried that! now that i have an xbox, we may play games there. that’d be pretty sick.
we used to watch movies together through ichat. that was good too – highly recommend that!
lachaise said on February 7, 2012 at 9:08 am
Couldn’t agree with this advice more. I’m in the UK finishing a PhD, my partner’s in Canada. We’ve always been long-distance so it’s been easy enough to develop a routine and some coping strategies, but communication is vital to keeping everything rolling along happily.
[M] freckle said on February 7, 2012 at 8:00 am
Wow Milly, tipping my hat to you. My longest distance relationship included a 100 minute travel.
[M] QoB said on February 7, 2012 at 4:56 am
Dealing with one now, though the distance is nowhere near yours – same time zone, for one thing – and we can afford to see each other about every 6-8 weeks. I second you on all this, though: Skype, having definite plans, knowing when you’re going to see each other again are all so helpful. Also knowing in advance when we’re not going to be able to talk is much easier to cope with than “argh why aren’t you online??” :)
Also, you got to get used to alternatives to in-person sex, which took a bit of practice for me.
milly parkhurst said on February 7, 2012 at 6:49 pm
knowing in advance when we’ll be able to talk is crucial to our daily conversations. we basically have a conversation schedule lol
wannabemusicologist said on February 6, 2012 at 8:57 pm
Thanks so much for this post. I am currently in a long distance relationship (and have been for close to two years) we met in my hometown during the summer between my master’s and PhD. I was home and bored and decided to try online dating, he had just moved to the city for work. We kind of both thought we were having a fling, until we realized we weren’t and that we wanted to continue things. I think for us, the things that have kept things going are communication (we text sporadically throughout the day, each email once a day, and talk on skype for about half an hour-an hour at night, unless one of us has plans) and being really honest about what we want the goals of the relationship to be/when we want to be together permanently. We try to see eachother for a few days every other month.
Cassandra said on February 6, 2012 at 8:37 pm
Long distance relationships are so hard. I was engaged to someone in Paris, though I lived in Portland, Oregon. That didn’t work. Not even a little. Then I was in a relationship with someone across the country that was actually pretty good, until it wasn’t. What I learned, which may be exclusive to me, is that total trust is the number one thing I needed in that partnership. I tend to be a little insecure and he tended to be receptive to that to a point, which went a long way. During our time together, I think there were maybe two or three days during which we didn’t speak at all, but I knew ahead of time that our schedules just didn’t allow it. I found it hard to not share daily lives and to only get “updates” about what we were up to and our constant talk about when we would be together (this may be due to the fact that we were not meant to work out…). I hope the best for you; it sounds like you’re in it together, which is wonderful. Who doesn’t like a little anticipation, right :)?