We’ve all been there – “there” being the shame spiral that follows quickly on the heels of hurting a friend’s feelings, fighting with your S.O., disappointing your family, cutting funding that helps thousands of low-income women receive potentially life-saving cancer screenings, etc.
Usually an apology and attempt to rectify the wrongdoing does the trick. But sometimes your screw-up is so massive that only a Public Scene or Grandiose Gesture can possibly repair the shattered relationship. Time for S.G.K. for the C. to consider these options:
- Hire the Goodyear blimp to fly over P.P.’s headquarters. Hire Tom Cruise to repeat the unicorn apology from “Legend” over a PA system.
- Get Tim Tebow to write “P.P. Rules” on his eye black. This may entail telling him “P.P.” stands for “Protestant Power.”
- Ask Barack what he does when Michelle is mad at him. Do that at least seven times.
- Lease a submarine. Head to the Atlantic. Recover the Heart of the Ocean. You know what to do from here.
- Join the Church of Scientology. Progress to auditing level 17,843. Tell P.P. all the secrets.
- Send P.P. 1,000 yellow daisies. Consider moving to Connecticut and teaching English at an impossibly preppy private school.
- Commission a limited edition Swarovski crystal pink bra. Burn it. That was the worst apology idea ever.
- Win an EGOT. Dedicate your acceptance speech to P.P. Keep the EGOT trophies though, because that’s a big deal.
- Learn to speak French. It’ll just make you feel better.
- Convince J.K. Rowling to write a Harry Potter prequel about Lily Potter’s youth as an ardent P.P. volunteer. Under no circumstances let her write an eighth book.
- Take out full-page ads in every major national newspaper. Just run “Call me” next to a pink ribbon. P.P. will know.
- Name a star after P.P. Shit, name a whole solar system after P.P. and mail their headquarters a NASA telescope programmed to the coordinates of their new solar system.
- Take P.P.’s mom to lunch. Feel bad because that’s cheating.
- Buy out the Staples Center and invite all the L.A.-area P.P. folks to a private screening of Titanic. What? Justin Bieber’s no fool.
- If all else fails, buy a trench coat and a boombox and do your thing outside P.P.’s bedroom window. Peter Gabriel optional.
Lastly, on a serious note, Huffington Post has a post up by Cecile Richards, president of Planned Parenthood Action Plan, with information about how concerned women can protest Komen’s decision and/or donate directly to P.P.