Last night on Project Runway All Stars, Not-Heidi finally revealed her talent (besides being tall, White, and “blonde”). She is a woman of such spectacular ability that she can make clothes illuminate from within from the power of her magic model cooch! No wonder Wall Street guys will only date the ladies of the catwalk. Don’t stare directly at what I am about to show you, or you may turn into stoned. Stone. What? No, I’m not.
I’m just joshing with you – Not-Heidi doesn’t have a talent. That there is a light-up skirt! For this week’s runway show, the place would be bedecked with black lights, for the designers were tasked with making an avant-garde look utilizing lighting technology. Light ‘Em-Up Lightskirt went on to tell the group who this week’s guest judge would be: none other than Grammy award-winning rapper, singer, composer, producer, and fashion designer Pharrell Williams.
If you’re saying, “Who?” I confess, I did too. Of course, I stopped listening to new music some time around 1999, so that could be it. If music got better after Ace of Base… Nah, it couldn’t have.
The winning garment will be worn by some music artist some time. Exciting stuff! Of course, because the designers were to use a completely new type of material and create something showstopping, PR gave them one day to do it.
At the lighting store, Austin gravitated, naturally, to the fairy lights. His joke, not mine. He wanted to bury them in tulle, so fingers crossed that we get to see Glinda the Good Witch on acid. Sometime during the filming of this episode, Austin separated himself from his Moustache, likely because the Smithsonian demanded it so that fifth-graders from all over may bask in its creepy glory. But because of editing, during the hour his Moustache would appear, then disappear, appear, disappear. It would have made a fun drinking game if I hadn’t finished all my vodka this morning.
Because Mondo is a pixie genius sent from the planet Wunderbar, he brought a black light to Mood Fabrics to test all the fabrics he perused. Kenley was doing that, too, but since she is an irritating idiot sent from the planet Nasalvoiceatopiaaaaaaaa, I’m sure she stole the idea from Mondo.
Jerell said, “I’m going to try this almost-tribal peplum skirt.” There is no likelihood that this will turn out not terrible. I wonder what almost-tribe he’ll be honoring with his beautiful designs? He also noted that he would be using feathers and fringe. If Urban Outfitters doesn’t snap Jerell up after this show, they will really disappoint thousands of stringy-haired women with an absence of taste directly proportional to their trust funds.
This happened in the work room:
Michael: What are you making?
Austin: I’m making… it’s going to be like midnight sky, see-through cage skirt with shooting stars… a galaxy of gorgeosity.
Michael: I’m making a coat dress.
Mondo called Austin a prima donna. I just can’t see it.
I felt evil for typing that last sentence when Austin (with Moustache, FYI) had a Skype with his mother only to find out her house had just been foreclosed on. We, the heartless harpies of Persephone Magazine, think that foreclosures suck ass and wish the Scarlett (?) family well.
For the challenge, everyone, it seemed, had grabbed a bunch of black fabric, stuck neon tape to it, and then added a few doo-dads. I really think this is what happens when you give them a big challenge and no time: crap. Well, mostly crap.
Mondo sent a pointy-boobed space cadet down the runway — and I do not mean that in a bad way. She looked like a comic book alien woman geeky boys in the 1950s fapped to. I loved the shape of the bust; it was almost subtle from some angles, but super cool. The only thing I worried about was that it wasn’t that avant-garde. Especially if you’re Madonna. But I could see a singer (ahem, Madge) wearing it. The hat reminded me of one of those stress dolls that you squeeze and its bits go poking out. Isaac questioned the avant-garde-ness of the piece – he thought the boobs were too normal. Pharrell said they looked like vintage Cadillac wings. Isaac also said she looked like a Teletubby. And now I can’t un-see it! He meant it as a compliment, and from the way his eyes lit up, I believed him. Georgina said, “There are no accidents with Mondo.”
Jerell presented a costume from King Kong – you know, one of the “natives” that live on Skull Island? At any moment, I expected his model to leap from the stage and swoop Austin Scarlett into her arms for sacrifice to poor, doomed Kong. Seriously, look.
I don’t even know what to say about this shit. It looks like he used the most lights of anyone. He will probably win. But perhaps not! Isaac said it looked like the model bought most of the pieces at a joke store. Pharrell called it a grandma look because of the long, black skirt underneath the fireworks.
Did it just get colder where you are, blog friends? Because I believe that hell might be experiencing occasional snow flurries as I type the words “I loved Kenley’s look.” I loved the plaid dress; I loved the weird, mesh jacket sprinkled with lights; I loved the hair – all of it. See what happens when you don’t make the same dress, Kenley? There’s hope for you yet! This one was a favorite of the judges. They enjoyed the proportions and the fact that her model had volume, but still retained her shape.
Austin said, “My model looks like she stepped out of a dream.” I thought she looked like an insect who stepped out of a bug trap and was caught up in the sticky tape strip. It was tulle over a cage with some lights swirled on. It was just lumpy and uneven and rickety. Her head looked like a question mark at the end of the query, “WTF?” Isaac loved it – he called it “mysterious.” The judges were enchanted by this. They thought it looked romantic! I think they were maybe reacting to the idea of this dress, because I found the execution lacking.
I thought Michael’s neon ninja lady was kinda cool at first. The visual was certainly striking. The best part was the light bulbs inside her shoulder loops – they were unexpected and looked like some sort of nuclear-powered secret weapon. I hated the blinking lines of neon, though, especially at the waist. They just looked cheesy — she’s not an all-night pizza joint. Isaac said it looked like tape on a dress, natch. Pherrell called it – he said she was more fit for Comic Con. This was one that looked sorta neat coming toward you, but really failed the sniff test.
With tears in their beers were hipster-worshiper Jerell and gloomy-puppy Michael. I couldn’t decide who I wanted to see go home more…
Oh, wait, yes I could…
JERELL WAS OUT! JERELL WAS OUT! KALU-KALAY! NO MORE UGLY OFFENSIVE “FASHION”! LET US ALL DO THE DANCE OF JOY!
Austin won. There aren’t enough eyerolls in the world, y’all. I just really did not like that dress.
BUT JERELL IS OUT! DING DONG THE UGLY’S DEAD! WHICH UGLY? JERELL’S UGLY!
And on that high note, it’s time to work on my night cheese.Related
Latest posts by Lucy Woodhull (see all)
- Man Candles: For the Man Who Mans While Needin’ to Smell Man Stuff - June 11, 2014
- A Completely True Biography of Neil deGrasse Tyson - May 1, 2014
- How to Make Friends as an Adult - April 17, 2014