Awkwardette’s Ill-Advised Guide to Getting it On: I’m Just Not That Into It

I honestly haven’t had a lot to write about lately here on the good ol’ Persephone because what I am expected to write about as Awkwardetteâ„¢ is a lot of stuff I am not doing: having sex, dating, etc. Yes, I have reached the fabled stage of female singledom known as Bitterness. I honestly think about the idea of going on a date and meeting a new guy and going through that drama of giving a shit about what I’m wearing or the words coming out of my mouth and I want to die.

Melodrama aside, I may have reached dating burn out capacity. I had many promising interactions and trysts with some quality young men that all turned out to be disappointing and somewhat soul crushing. I am officially single now longer than I have ever been in my adult life, and I am trying not to do what I do best – jump into the first thing that is available because I don’t like being alone.

I’d say my last long-term relationship was entirely built on this concept. He was (is) a very nice guy, with a job, but no personality to speak of. We had very cursory things in common, nothing that I think is essential to me feeling anything like love. He was inoffensive and complimentary. He was boring. But he wanted me around, at least when he wasn’t having an introvert meltdown with all the intimacy we were having, and so it seemed like a good place to be for a year.

It wasn’t. I was unsatisfied, always. I never had enough from him, because I wanted so badly to be desperately in love, to feel the things I once felt for someone else, and it wasn’t there. I honestly thought that this guy is my Last Chance at Love, and if I didn’t make it work with him, I would die fat, ugly and alone and no one would ever care about me except my cat (who died literally a week before he and I broke things off).

Meanwhile, stories about my ex before him would trickle in, and I’d hear about how great he is doing with his new girlfriend and how wonderful things are for him, and all I could think about was one-upping him until I had the ideal life that I always wanted with him. Except with someone else. So he would get jealous and sad, like I was. But that never works, and we all know that.

In other words, I was looking for love for all the wrong reasons. I was looking for all the wrong things that would make me happy, jumping into something with the first person that showed any interest. And now, I feel like I am much more discernable with my tastes, but apparently not discernable enough because I keep getting burned by dating all of these people who do really horrible things.

Teflon
"I'm teflon, babe."

So I’ve mentally checked out, even when I’m looking at OkCupid or any other various dating site. No one is piquing my interest like they used to. I used to do this thing when there was no one around for me to like where I would essentially make up someone to like. It sounds ridiculous and silly, but if I didn’t have a crush, I’d craft this elaborate storyline in my head with someone. I am unable to even do that anymore. Nothing sticks.

It’s probably a good thing. Sometimes it’s a good idea to take some time for yourself, be yourself, discover yourself, be by yourself. And honestly, I’m sure someone will probably sneak their way into my heart before I know it, because these sorts of things only happen exactly when I don’t want them to. And if it doesn’t, good thing I don’t want it to, right?

Confession: I recently read He’s Just Not That Into You, the entire thing, front to cover, in one sitting. It’s an easy read so this is not quite a feat. I did it in the name of research, curious about different dating self-help books, and this seemed to be the best place to start. I am sad to say the thing resonated more with me than I am comfortable admitting to, and that whole research idea has been put on hold until I am done reeling from my reaction to the book.

What Greg Behrendt says a lot throughout the book is that I deserve better than the crap I keep getting. And it’s absolutely true. I would have never denied that. Except my actions are always denying that, because I am constantly making up excuses for the crap behavior and constantly justifying why it’s okay for me to give someone another chance. So far none of them deserved it.

So why the burn out? Shouldn’t this epiphany be freeing and not like a whole new weight on my shoulders? The truth is, asking for what you deserve is sometimes really hard work. It doesn’t matter in what arena – love life, or asking for a raise at work, or whatever. There’s the undeniable possibility of rejection, and the more you ask, the more rejection you’ll see. Asking for what I deserve might mean a few more lonely nights than if I take the first okay-enough thing that comes my way. That’s a really scary thing.

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awkwardette

Michelle M. aka awkwardette is a multi-disciplinarian. She moonlights as an activist while earning her big bucks making the internet easier to use. She also writes about pop music on PopMinx.com and aspires to be Amelia Fletcher when she grows up. She prefers listening to The Jesus and Mary Chain when doin' it.

13 thoughts on “Awkwardette’s Ill-Advised Guide to Getting it On: I’m Just Not That Into It”

  1. The Pessimistic Realistâ„¢ (who is 37), me, is glad that you acknowledge that you made a not-great choice for yourself in the last partner. Wear that knowledge like a shield to deflect men who are unworthy of your time and ENERGY.

    I made poor choices the last three times over eight-plus years–ignored my screaming instinct and went with the guy who paid attention to me. But really, that’s always the choice I make. Mark my words; I’m so, so done now. I’ve been alone for about a year now, and it’s okay. (I always have extended periods of alone-ness in between partners and I “forget”. But we should NEVER forget.)

    Also, this may lead to a riot in the imaginary P-Mag streets, but seriously: Get thee away from OKCupid. It’s terrible. Really. All online dating can bite me.

  2. First: Awkwardette, I love your guts.

    Second: Word. I almost just flat out cried after my last date because it was so bad. He was really sweet, but there was nothing I wanted to say to him (which was okay, because he spent most of it talking about himself) and I said yes because nobody else had asked me out. There’s been this weird back-and-forth with this guy I was super excited about but still haven’t met, because he had to work last minute on what was supposed to be our first date and has been ‘busy’ since then. And he was the first prospect I didn’t feel completely ambivalent about. But he’s starting to remind me of the last guy I wasn’t-in-a-relationship-with and that was bad news bears. And I’m so tired of people I actually want to talk to not returning my messages, or getting messages from guys I have nothing in common at all with. I know I’m not a ten, but for fuck’s sake, I’m not a complete troll, either (and no hating on trolls, I can’t compete with a jeweled belly button even though my mom wouldn’t let me have any because she thought they were demonic.).

    Third: Persies, just date me instead. I’m very nice, although intensely socially awkward and shy and might come off cold, initially. But I’m well-read, can carry a conversation, and will offer to pay my half of the check. My chest is legendary, and you are welcome to snuggle in my cleavage if you’ve had a particularly awful day (most of my friends and babysat children do.)

  3. Thanks for this. I’m just getting out of a four year relationship that was seriously not working (same kind of nice but boring guy story) but nevertheless hard to end. My solution for dealing with it so far has been some intense rebounding. I’ve had a couple of flings, including one with a guy at work who I knew from the start was basically a giant d-bag. The way that ended last week could serve as a cautionary tale against office affairs. I’m slowly coming around to the realization that being alone is often better than the alternative. I’m packing up stuff in the apartment I shared with my ex tonight (ugh) and this was a timely reminder of why I shouldn’t go crawling back.

  4. I’m definitely in a dry spell too. However, I don’t think I’ve ever dated anyone for more than about 5 months, so I can’t really say I’ve ever had a long-term relationship. I’ve also had some fairly long dry spells. I appear to be very picky, but what can I say … I’ll give a guy a chance but often for me there just doesn’t seem to be any chemistry whatsoever. I think the trouble with dating someone you deserve is that you don’t always realize that they’re not great until too late or until afterwards. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try!

  5. I’m in the general vicinity of where you are right now. The only difference is that I’ve never been in a truly serious relationship. I’ve been perpetually single for most of my life and I guess you could say I’m burned out on the hope that I’ll find someone. A girl can only take so much rejection before she just shuts down. Like you, the idea of even letting myself LIKE someone makes me want to run screaming for the hills. I’ve been coming to terms with the idea that I may be single forever and trying to learn to be OK with that. My mother keeps telling me I shouldn’t give hope, but hope can be a cruel thing sometimes.

    Confession: He’s Just Not That Into You really helped me too.

    1. You could’ve been describing my life for reals.I’m at that age where most of my friends are getting married or long-terming it and here I am with zilch. I mean the longest relationship I’ve had has been like 5 months tops, and that was like 2 years ago. But at the same time I still don’t wanna go out with someone just to be with someone ya know. I feel like I’ve been single this long why would I settle for blah. Well at least I now know I’m not the only one out there so that makes me feel a bit better.

  6. I deserve better than the crap I keep getting. And it’s absolutely true. I would have never denied that. Except my actions are always denying that, because I am constantly making up excuses for the crap behavior and constantly justifying why it’s okay for me to give someone another chance.

    Applause! I loved this. Wishing you the best of fun and looking forward to your next update.

    1. (Generalizations ahoy) Anyone notice that this is a very specific woman problem, and by that, I mean most men aren’t socially trained to wrestle with being “forgiving” and “giving chances” and “seeing if it will work out”? Because wrestling with these issues and finally coming to a point where I feel like I understand them and can talk about them, when I talk about them to male friends, they look at my like I’m nuts.

      I’m interested in reading He’s Just Not That Into You, but I’m curious if it delves beyond the issue of these types of issues resting on the shoulders of women. Is there a dude equivalent out there of the book? Like She Thinks Your A Lecherous Date Raper or Why She Isn’t Into Dickbags?

       

       

      1. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it was – but I have to say I haven’t seen much evidence of it among my friends. Admittedly most of my male friends are in relationships already. Anecdotal evidence for the lose.

        I would read that book, totally. What is the market like for ‘dating’ books aimed at men…?

  7. This resonates with me because I feel like I’m going through this now. I’ve been married for almost a year, and while I didn’t jump into it lightly, I also sort of felt like it was my last chance to have someone by my side, because I am just too burned out from too many awful relationships to deal with any more. And now, we’re in another one of these ‘not speaking’ fights that fit a pattern: he’s snippy with me for a few days, and I call him on it or dismiss it. But it builds in him. Then I get pissy and say something snippy and, voila, there’s the excuse he’s been looking for to jump down my throat. He hasn’t learned how to communicate like a grown up, and that’s toxic to me. It brings out the worst in me and makes me see that he does not view me as an equal, but as someone whose needs come secondarily to his. And, to top it off, I am really starting to resent him. I feel like he expects me to accept him and be supportive of him yet doesn’t see that he needs to reciprocate any of those things. Honestly, I don’t even think I want to fix it. I’m one of those people who’s always going on about how relationships are hard and need work and yadda yadda, but I think I have trouble seeing when enough is enough, and I’m tired of making that mistake.

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