There’s been one issue looming over my mind for the past month or so, which runs counter to probably everything I’ve ever said about sex before – When is it appropriate to begin a sexual relationship with someone? If you asked me two months ago, I would have probably said five minutes into meeting someone. The antiquated, Puritanical concept of “waiting” couldn’t get in my way. But after a few encounters with the oxytocin monster and watching my friends deal with guys who bail the second after things get physically intimate, my outlook on the situation has changed.
This all depends on what you’re after, of course. If you’re looking for quick sex with absolutely no promise of friendship or relations after the fact, then don’t bother even thinking about this. Chances are, the guy will be game; but don’t expect to hear from him again. As AskMen (who are clearly the experts in all things douchey that men think), “A woman who beds you before you even discover that she has a cat named Bubbles and a huge crush on Adam Sandler is probably not going to end up being the ball to your chain.”
But why? One male friend seems to think that men want to feel the chase, whether or not they even realize it. “I know it sounds terrible,” he says, “but the second I sleep with a girl, I lose interest”¦If you act aloof, men will be like putty in your hands.” So basically, I need to not sleep with a guy and ignore him in order for him to like me. I hope we go to a sandbox on our first date so I can give him a proper wedgie and call him a booger face, you know, to set the tone right.
AW is a friend of mine who has been recently jilted by the do ya then ditch ya variety. I love AW dearly, but my recent skeptical outlook is neither comforting nor complimentary to her cheery, optimistic point of view. I asked if her she thought there was a connection to this guy not texting her back for a week and the fact that she put out the last time they hung out. “I keep wanting to think there isn’t [a connection] because I don’t want to think people are that old fashioned anymore,” she says. “If I have a really good night with someone, I don’t want to think I’ll end up paying for it or regretting it.” I don’t think any of us want to think that. I think we want to think our judgment is so astute that we can just tell when a guy is going to be sleazy like that. But here’s the deal: it’s not.
VF is another friend who is pretty savvy with this dating stuff. I asked her what her usual policy is. VF said, “If a girl goes on a date with a guy, the girl should be able to sense if the guy is into the idea of a relationship or just wants to bone. If she gives it up to the guy who just wants to bone, he’s not going to call her again because he got what he wanted.”
But how do we assess this? What sorcery can give us these powers of observation? It’s kind of simple, actually.
Get to know the person.
You know, like take the time to hang out with someone and find out their intentions and what kind of person they are. There’s been numerous examples in my past of a guy who I thought was better than that. They weren’t. And I’ll never get to know them well enough to know that for sure because I slept with them and they bailed.
“Most of the time I go for the three or four date rule,” said VF. “A guy who just wants to bang you isn’t going to shell out the cash for that many dates if a girl doesn’t put out. That’s also why I always make them pay.”
Sometimes though, I wonder, if the guys who do this even realize what they’re doing. Is it possible for a guy to be a normally reasonable person, a normally intelligent bro, an outwardly not-sexist guy, and yet do these really sexist things unconsciously? Is it possible for him to express some unchecked misogyny when it comes to sleeping with women? I am only being kind of cheeky in asking this question. Are all these douchebags exhibiting signs of the Madonna-virgin complex? I feel like, sometimes, my sex life is trapped in a women’s studies cautionary tale.
But what the fuck, right? What the fuck is up with these dumb ass games that we all have to play? What about what I want? What about just going with the flow? What about me just getting my rocks off for a change? Lena Chen, former blogger for Sex and the Ivy League, was quoted as saying to Betty Confidential, “If you make your decisions based on someone else or how you hope they’ll react, that leads to a lot of disappointment. Your sexual decisions should be based on what’s right for you and your body.” I know, right?!
AW struggles with the waiting concept almost as much as I do. She says, “I have a hard time waiting. It’s not because I’m a crazy slut, but I’m kind of like a “˜If it feels good, do it’, kind of person.” (I, on the other hand, am a crazy slut).
Sure, sex feels goods in the moment. Ehhh, maybe not always. Actually, sometimes sex is terrible in the moment. But when we’re making out, getting hot and heavy, it’s sometimes just as difficult for us ladies to say no. We know we want to get off. And I am honoring my body by sleeping with this dude, right? Sleeping with assholes whenever I want is exactly why our mothers burned bras and shit, right?
While immediate sexual pleasure is important and vital to many of us, it is also important to think about how we’re going to feel after. A week from now, when I possibly don’t hear back from this guy, how am I going to feel? Probably shitty. Probably shittier than 15 minutes (if I’m lucky) of fun is worth. My sexual decisions should be based on what’s right for me, but what’s right for me should not be focused only on the moment; there are emotional ramifications for sexual decisions I make.
I guess sometimes what is right for us is to say no. Sometimes it’s okay to wait, and I am not a bad sex-positive feminist for saying so. Sometimes what really honors us, in a totally unmorality-related way, is waiting. It pains me to say.
On that note, does anyone know if Babeland sells stock?
Apropos indie rock soundtrack to this article provided by Sloan, “If It Feels Good Do It”