Awkwardette’s Ill-Advised Guide to Getting it On: The OkCupid Paradox

Have I told you lately how I fucking hate OkCupid? Hate it the way you hate a sibling when you’re eight years old, and they keep tattling on you and getting you into all this trouble and then the second your mom turns around they sock you in the arm, but like, when you say something about it, you get yelled at even though you’re totally not the one that did anything wrong. It’s bullshit.

And you can’t kill OkCupid anymore than you can kill your dumb poop-munching brother/sister. Jerks. No matter how I try, my profile cannot stay disabled longer than a week or two (and deleting it? Oh please, that ain’t happening). And the thing is, when you come back, you get this influx of messages that you get all excited about because you forgot how much these people will drive you mad and disappoint you. It’s a sick trap.

One of my favorite parts of OkCupid, though, is all the dumb, inane questions you’re asked that actually can sometimes give you pretty good insight into a person (my favorite question is “Do overweight people annoy you?” and I figure if a guy says “No,” that totally means he digs fat chicks, right?).

However, it has come to my attention that there is a paradox that exists in the minds of many people on OkCupid that is easily spotted if you read through thousands of profiles like I have.

Girl Texting
I can't wait to tell my boyfriend about my raise tomorrow even though he is behind me literally right now having sex with me. I don't want him to think I'm being too needy.

There is a question asked, something to the effect of “How often do you think your significant other should contact you?” or “How often do you want to see your significant other?” I personally answered with something about how it’s not necessary to hear from my significant other every day, but I don’t mind it. A very middle of the ground approach. It doesn’t offend anyone, and that is usually the best course of action. Men on the site (I can’t speak to the women on the site) answer nine times out of 10 (perhaps not a real statistic) with whatever answer isn’t every day. They answer with something to the effect of “Every once in awhile,” “A few times a week,” “Not every day.” People’s explanations are in depth about how they need to be their own person. How, in order for the relationship to work, they need space. They cannot handle a smothering partner.

Fair enough. I can’t argue with that, and it’s good to be upfront if you’re the kind of person who needs space.

Then there is another question that similarly discusses frequency in terms of interaction with your significant other. Except this time, the interaction is boning. The question reads, “Once intimate, how often would you and your partner have sex?” Virtually every single guy who answers this question answers with “Every day.” I answer with “Once or twice a week,” in line with the fact that this is probably how often I will see my partner because I do not plan on seeing or even contacting my partner every day. This answer is apparently unacceptable. I get the pink highlight of death (meaning unacceptable answer to them, not compatible with their needs).

This begs the question: HOW ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR PARTNER EVERY DAY IF YOU REFUSE TO TEXT/HANG OUT WITH YOUR PARTNER EVERY DAY? No, really? Are you magic? Are there two of you? Will your penis jump off of your body, grow little penis feet, buy a MetroCard (do penises get reduced fare?), and ride the subway over to Astoria to bone me in your stead? Will your penis at least buy me dinner?

In what world do you think you don’t have to speak to me every day, but it is absolutely paramount we have sex every day, and to suggest we are not going to have sex every day is unacceptable?

So, I’m sure other paradoxes like this exist. Do you know of any weird OkCupid paradoxes? I’d love to hear them!

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awkwardette

Michelle M. aka awkwardette is a multi-disciplinarian. She moonlights as an activist while earning her big bucks making the internet easier to use. She also writes about pop music on PopMinx.com and aspires to be Amelia Fletcher when she grows up. She prefers listening to The Jesus and Mary Chain when doin' it.

30 thoughts on “Awkwardette’s Ill-Advised Guide to Getting it On: The OkCupid Paradox”

  1. Is that what the pink highlight means? This is good to know.

    Also, I might have a date with an OKCupider on Friday! Squee!

    I have found that putting “I’m a feminist” fairly prominently in my profile weeds out the losers pretty quick. I’ve only had one troll. This time around (I, like everyone else, has done OKCupid a million times), I’m putting it all out there; being brutally honest.

    In doing so, I also got a job inquiry. We’ll see where that goes.

  2. I had never heard about OkCupid until today. I am now happy to never have to deal with it.

    Does anyone get online dating right, though? It seems like such a good idea in this day and age, but no one I’ve ever met has been satisfied with the online dating providers.

    1. OkCupid is about as close to good as it gets. The problem with OkCupid isn’t the service itself–I think the service itself is pretty ideal. The problem is the people. I can only speak for my experiences, but I feel like OkCupid, because it’s free, brings out a particularly flakey bunch. Unfortunately flakey must be my type because match.com and eharmony.com just doesn’t do it for me. I’m actually trying howaboutwe.com and I’m sure I’ll write all about that once my trial is up.

      1. It is definitely partially due to where you live. I live in Silicon Valley, so there is a whole range of dudes (don’t know about ladies).

        Like I said somewhere else though, putting “I’m a feminist” in my profile has really reduced the number of losers who message me.

        1. This makes me chuckle.

          What’re they afraid of when they see “feminist” on a profile? Someone who thinks she has self-worth and won’t stand for being undervalued or mistreated seems like a pretty great place to start for a relationship partner.

          I wonder if Seattle would have similar results to Silicon Valley? I have a friend or two who might try OkCupid if the pickins are decent.

           

           

          1. Seattle might! I never used it when I lived there, but there is a fairly diverse population, which always helps. Pittsburgh was not so great for the online dating.

            I have found that those who don’t think those awesome things when they see ‘feminist’ won’t message me, so I mostly get messages from the ones who do think feminism is awesome.

        2. I live in NYC. There’s a ton of dudes on there, and there is a never ending river of douchebags to date… Quantity does not equal quality.

          I actually have found the men attracted to my “feminism” to be the most flakey in a weird way. That’s a whole ‘nother column I suppose.

          1. Ew. That’s strange and annoying. I have gotten a couple of trolls, but overall, the quality of people has been much better than the last time I tried it. There are still plenty of douchebags, but I feel like last time, it was all douchebags, all the time. Now there is diversity – even some seemingly decent human beings!

    1. I have actually wondered if I will online date when I’m older, incidentally. Being gay it seems like a reasonably good way of meeting LGBT guys (well, presumably not “L”) and I mostly just kind of recoil with horror face whenever I read the average profile…

  3. Because OKCupid is free I’d entertained the notion of signing up once I get a Grown Up job and move out on my own.

    You’ve cured me of that, so thank you for the hours of frustration and cognitive dissonance you’ve apparently saved me.

  4. Weird, weird and weider that you have been unable to delete your account. I met my boyfriend through that website over a year and a half ago now and I deleted it with a quick click of a button back then. Perhaps they have changed it.

    Now, full disclosure, having met my boyfriend through OKCupid, I like the website. I think out of the free dating websites available, it is the best choice. I do think they occasionally fuck up (see: E-mails about being added to the special “attractive” category and such things), but I enjoyed my time there.

    I think you are completely misreading what people are saying or at least, you would have certainly misread it if you would have looked at my answers. Because I am a person that responded in the exact way that infuriates you so. Let me explain why:

    Question 1: How often do you want to see your significant other?

    Typically, at the beginning of a relationship, I would only want to see the person every once and awhile. Maybe every other day, maybe twice a week. It’s highly variable. For me, a part of becoming more “serious”, involves spending increased amounts of time with my partner.

    Question 2: Once intimate, how often would you and your partner have sex?

    Every day, damnit! Because that’s where my sex drive sits. As I become more involved with a person, I personally expect to see them more often and a part of that becoming more involved happens after intimacy (for me, let’s be clear). So that’s how I justified it. It’s unfortunate that you were being written off by people for that detail (though, I’m not sure I believe their sex drive clashing with yours is the only thing driving the men away. I had plenty of people who had terrible match percentages with me contact me. Hell, my boyfriend was considered only 74% compatible!). Perhaps you’ve been using the site a little too literally? I mean, those questions are just a guide. Super useful for eliminating bigots from your dating pool though, let me tell you.

    Plus, no one is answering these questions thinking, “Oh no! I might contradict myself somewhere within the next 200 questions! I must focus!”

  5. There is a question asked, something to the effect of “How often do you think your significant other should contact you?” or “How often do you want to see your significant other?” I personally answered with something about how it’s not necessary to hear from my significant other every day, but I don’t mind it. A very middle of the ground approach. It doesn’t offend anyone, and that is usually the best course of action. Men on the site (I can’t speak to the women on the site) answer nine times out of 10 (perhaps not a real statistic) with whatever answer isn’t every day. They answer with something to the effect of “Every once in awhile,” “A few times a week,” “Not every day.” People’s explanations are in depth about how they need to be their own person. How, in order for the relationship to work, they need space. They cannot handle a smothering partner.

    These guys are clearly not in my area.  About half the profiles I look at say everyday.  I just had to tell I guy I was kinda meh about not to text me anymore because he would text me every single day. We went on one date, but I knew before that it wasn’t going to work.  The everyday texting started from the minute I gave him my phone number.  “happy monday” “happy tuesday :)” blah blah freaking blah.  I’ve never met you.  I don’t want to text you everyday and I don’t want you to use self-deprecating humor to get me to text you back.  I answer the how often do you want to communicate question with “no I don’t need to talk every day” cause honestly there are two people in this world that I talk to everyday and it’s gonna take a while before anyone else is added to that list.

    I’m amazed by the number of guys on okcupid willing to admit they are racist, homophobic or don’t believe in evolution in the questions section.  I guess I’d rather know sooner rather than later.  I don’t get the guys who take the time to write me, I write back and then they respond with one sentence that give me literally no where to go with the conversation.

    I conclusion I hate okcupid.

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