Have I told you lately how I fucking hate OkCupid? Hate it the way you hate a sibling when you’re eight years old, and they keep tattling on you and getting you into all this trouble and then the second your mom turns around they sock you in the arm, but like, when you say something about it, you get yelled at even though you’re totally not the one that did anything wrong. It’s bullshit.
And you can’t kill OkCupid anymore than you can kill your dumb poop-munching brother/sister. Jerks. No matter how I try, my profile cannot stay disabled longer than a week or two (and deleting it? Oh please, that ain’t happening). And the thing is, when you come back, you get this influx of messages that you get all excited about because you forgot how much these people will drive you mad and disappoint you. It’s a sick trap.
One of my favorite parts of OkCupid, though, is all the dumb, inane questions you’re asked that actually can sometimes give you pretty good insight into a person (my favorite question is “Do overweight people annoy you?” and I figure if a guy says “No,” that totally means he digs fat chicks, right?).
However, it has come to my attention that there is a paradox that exists in the minds of many people on OkCupid that is easily spotted if you read through thousands of profiles like I have.
There is a question asked, something to the effect of “How often do you think your significant other should contact you?” or “How often do you want to see your significant other?” I personally answered with something about how it’s not necessary to hear from my significant other every day, but I don’t mind it. A very middle of the ground approach. It doesn’t offend anyone, and that is usually the best course of action. Men on the site (I can’t speak to the women on the site) answer nine times out of 10 (perhaps not a real statistic) with whatever answer isn’t every day. They answer with something to the effect of “Every once in awhile,” “A few times a week,” “Not every day.” People’s explanations are in depth about how they need to be their own person. How, in order for the relationship to work, they need space. They cannot handle a smothering partner.
Fair enough. I can’t argue with that, and it’s good to be upfront if you’re the kind of person who needs space.
Then there is another question that similarly discusses frequency in terms of interaction with your significant other. Except this time, the interaction is boning. The question reads, “Once intimate, how often would you and your partner have sex?” Virtually every single guy who answers this question answers with “Every day.” I answer with “Once or twice a week,” in line with the fact that this is probably how often I will see my partner because I do not plan on seeing or even contacting my partner every day. This answer is apparently unacceptable. I get the pink highlight of death (meaning unacceptable answer to them, not compatible with their needs).
This begs the question: HOW ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR PARTNER EVERY DAY IF YOU REFUSE TO TEXT/HANG OUT WITH YOUR PARTNER EVERY DAY? No, really? Are you magic? Are there two of you? Will your penis jump off of your body, grow little penis feet, buy a MetroCard (do penises get reduced fare?), and ride the subway over to Astoria to bone me in your stead? Will your penis at least buy me dinner?
In what world do you think you don’t have to speak to me every day, but it is absolutely paramount we have sex every day, and to suggest we are not going to have sex every day is unacceptable?
So, I’m sure other paradoxes like this exist. Do you know of any weird OkCupid paradoxes? I’d love to hear them!