What I Watched This Weekend: A Walkabout With The Family Slay

For your entertainment but not edification, we present to you, without commercial interruption, A Weekend With the Family Slay.

The Horror Movie:

Cabin in the Woods Poster
The Cabin in the Woods

Not suitable for all audiences. Younger Slay Family members were abandoned at the homestead with only 400 channels on TV, computers, internet connection, and reading material. It’s just like Little House on the Prairie.

Older family members traipsed out to see Joss Whedon’s horror movie and stuff themselves full of popcorn. Less boobs than one might expect, a lot of gratuitous blood, Topher, Fred, and Andrew, and a script written by people who actually like horror movies. Family member SB1 was unsurprised to note that lead female in movie falls firmly into Whedon’s preferred “teeny tiny heroine with big eyes and great hair” model and expressed a desire to see him “finally cast someone else, already, goddamnit.”

The Proselytizer in the Target Parking Lot:

Minivan with 'vote for Jesus' graffito
I'm pretty sure JC didn't make it onto the ballot this year.

The High School Musical:

Cast performing Chicago
Razzle-Dazzle Them.

Family member SB1 hates to be that person, but wonders if a show that involves so many crotchial gestures is appropriate for 16-years-olds to be performing.

Family member SB2 is gonna let you finish, but Joel Grey OWNS “Razzle Dazzle.”

Younger family member Slay knows who Leopold and Loeb is, god mom, you don’t need to explain the jokes.

The Prom Proposal:

Prom Proposal
Wanna go to prom with me?

Post show entertainment was provided by a lovely young man waiting to ask his actress girlfriend to the Prom. She took a long time to show up, but he maintained his cool. Not shown: the flowers he brought and the tie he wore color-coordinated with her costume, which the Family Slay agreed was a nice touch. Not audible: every middle-aged woman who walked by the young man and offered to be his date, haha haha haha. Ladies, go back to your Twilight novels.

The Terrible Lifetime Movie:

The Pact on Lifetime
The Pact

Younger Family Member Slay: “What are you watching? What are they doing on that carousel? Are they K-I-S-S-I-N-G?”

SB1: “They made a suicide pact. They’re killing themselves.”

Younger Family Member Slay: “Why do you watch this stuff?!”

The Science Experiment:

SB1’s mother provided Off-Brand Peeps in this year’s Easter Basket. They’re cute, they’re shaped like ducks, they have tiny little faces, and came hard as a rock. Also, they’re made in China. Pro tip: Real Peeps are made in the USA. Buy American.

Off-brand peeps with their American cousins.
War of the Peeps

In cuteness, points to Fake Peeps. In deliciousness, American Peeps have the barest of edges, because everyone knows Peeps are disgusting anyway, but they make fantastic roasted marshmallows.

Roasted Peeps
Image courtesy of Badass Cassie

Off-brand Peeps prove to be inedible even with roasting, as they don’t roast, they just melt horribly.

Off brand peeps in the fire
Going...

 

Peep in fire
Going...

 

Peep in fire
Gone.

 

Published by

[E] Slay Belle

Slay Belle is an editor and the new writer mentor here at Persephone Magazine, where she writes about pop culture, Buffy, and her extreme love of Lifetime movies. She is also the editor of powderroom.jezebel.com. You can follow her on Twitter, @SlayBelle or email her at slay@persephonemagazine.com. She is awfully fond of unicorns and zombies, and will usually respond to any conversational volley that includes those topics.

11 thoughts on “What I Watched This Weekend: A Walkabout With The Family Slay”

  1. I’m pretty sure I didn’t say anything after you told me they were making a suicide pact. If I did, walking away would have been the better option. And you didn’t even mention that the last peep we burned we soaked in alcohol so it would burn better.

    And I’d like to say (dramatic flourish) I do not appreciate the insinuation that it wasn’t like Little House on the Prairie. That was a torturous couple hours right there.

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