My notes the entire time consisted of “ugh Theon” and expletives that I am sure some of y’all don’t mind seeing in great number. I’ll try to refrain for the sake of professionalism. That, and I need to figure out a way to adequately convey my frustrations in words greater than four letters in length .
All I’ve got is Theon is the Worst. He still doesn’t know who he is, and is apparently dead set on being a despicable horndog with negligible sword skills. Osha uses this to her advantage, though, and it brings a satisfactory escape from all the madness for Bran, Rickon and Hodor. My own dear father texted me after this episode was finished to remark on the action moving through the women of the story, and this is where the deal on that perspective is sealed.
BEYOND THE WALL
Oh bless you, Jon, you can’t ever keep your mouth shut. Thankfully, the north beyond the Wall just got ten times more interesting because it has — oh hey! — stopped being a sausage fest. Ygritte, who I’ve only heard about in the fringes of the not-too-spoilery things I’ve read about this series, makes her debut.
And she is fantastic at, again, playing the game. Maybe Jon Snow will find a use for that perpetually-hanging flytrap on his face, or Ygritte will find one for him.
Oh my God, Arya! Arya and her shit-eating grin! Arya panicking at Littlefinger’s appearance! Arya hearing stories about Jaime Lannister’s dyslexia! Arya wasting her second damn kill! Have I mentioned that my kitten is named Arya? My Arya is kind of like the real Arya; sneaky but not sneaky enough, brazen, and too adorable for words. And occasionally a poor decision-maker.
I just read this scene in the book and I’ve been dreading seeing it. Joffrey has objects that share a name with him (that would be shit, in case you weren’t following) thrown his way, and he decides that he wants to kill everyone for just trying to incite a little family reunion. (That means the Lannisters are, for the most part, shits. In case I’ve gone too far over your head.)
Sansa! If anyone says they hate Sansa Stark after all this I don’t want to know them. I am the biggest Sansa stan this world has ever seen, and I maintain that she is the embodiment of a particular type of feminine strength, even as she is coming in to her own. I do hope she stops getting…rescued so much? But even then, she isn’t helpless, simply not equipped for the realities of this level of hatred. And can you hear that sound in the distance? That is the sound of thousands of SanSan shippers squealing with delight. I’ve warned you. You’re welcome.
Again, we’re moving things with the ladies. The ladies who kick more ass and have more sense than any of the testosterone-carrying nitwits populating the rest of this show. Cat reminds her son that he has responsibilities, and do you know why? Because Catelyn Stark is better than you. I wish I had more to say on the subject, more wit, more eloquence, but it is a concise point I wish to make plain.
Clearly, Dany has not had her come to R’hllor meeting, and is sounding exactly like Viserys. I’m ready to pull my hair out at this point, because Daenerys, love, you have got to calm your tits and listen to Jorah (not Daxos/Ducksauce, no matter how awesome his name is) and try to pay closer attention to your dragons.
The dragons! They’re being carried off somewhere! Whoever took them killed Irri, those bastards. But who took them? The warlocks? Some other member of the Thirteen? Next week! Next week we find out!
Have at it, darlins. Who do you think took the dragons? Who do you think will be the last ladies standing when all is said and done? Will Jon Snow ever stop gaping his maw?
Spoilers note: as before, anything from the first book or TV series is not a spoiler. Please use spoiler tags for anything else using the [*spoiler*] and [/*spoiler*] tags. (Remove the asterisks to make the tags.)