But, in homage to pickup lines everywhere, I set out to create the best worst lines possible. Getting deep into character (I went so far as to put on a super deep-V tee, waxy hair product, and a matching neck and wallet chain), I attempted to enter the mind of the aspiring pickup artist.
What I came up with was, in no particular order, the 16 most confusing pickup lines of all time, or (to paraphrase Lena Dunham), of a time.
For your reluctant consumption…
- Nice cans. Do you recycle?
- Gurrl, your eyes are like two organs that convert light into electro-chemical impulses in neurons.
- You’re so pretty I just farted a little bit, from nerves.
- Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? Do you feel deserving of this type of praise? Would you say your self-worth comes from external validation? Let’s discuss these self-esteem issues further. I have a Tuesday afternoon appointment available. Here’s my card; my assistant can set it up.
- Do you come here often? Because I’m trying to get regular patrons to “like” my review on Yelp.
- Check out those sweater puppies! I love when people dress their pets. It’s so cute.
- You remind me of a young Victoria Principal, star of The Abduction. I’m really into made-for-TV movies about kidnappings.
- Your mother must have been an angel, because you’re really loud, like Gabriel’s trumpet. Seriously, shoosh, you jackal. You’re busting my friggin’ eardrums over here!
- I bet your legs go allll the way up…to the acetabulofemoral joints that connect your femurs to your hip bones.
- I love that sparkle in your eye. It makes me feel like this acid is finally kicking in.
- You should be a model. I’d feel way less weird about the fact that I have herpes if I saw someone like you in a Valtrex commercial.
- I’d love to take you home to meet my mother; I think you two would really hit it off. Do you want her number? She’s also on gchat.
- Your place or mine? Mine has a very handsomely framed van Gogh poster, but yours probably has indoor plumbing. Your call.
- Your place or mine? Mine has a nice futon, but yours probably doesn’t have a possum infestation. Toss-up.
- Your place or mine? I don’t have any roommates, but I also don’t have any toilet paper.
- On a British Parliamentary cosplay scale of 1 to 10 (the median — 5 — being you own your own Maggie Thatcher mask, wig, and low-heeled pumps), I’m looking for at least an 8.
Feel free to add your own actually witnessed or these-words-have-probably-never-been-nor-should-they-ever-be-uttered pickup lines in the comments.