Q: Hello, Frisky Feminist! Today I have an oral sex question. Well, several.
First, what is a polite, not-too-insulting way to tell your partner that he should really wash up before putting his manly package near my face? “Honey, your junk smells like ass” could come across as insulting. By the time he’s suggesting it, I feel like asking for it would be a mood-killer, so I end up giving head that I don’t like. Which isn’t really a satisfactory way of doing things.
And second, I have TMJ and I’m neurotic and my jaw tends to really tighten up when I’m stressed. And regardless, I can’t open my mouth all that wide most of the time. This makes putting a penis in my mouth difficult. Usually, I don’t get much past the tip. I have better luck with the balls, honestly. Do you have any other suggestions besides, well, licking it like a Popsicle?
– Jawbreaker (sorry I had to)
A: (If we could give you extra points for giving yourself a nickname, we totally would!)
You’re completely right that giving head you don’t enjoy is not a good way of doing things. You’re also right that saying something like, “Ew, your bits smell really gross!” could make him feel hurt and self-conscious. Suggesting he wash up before you hook up may seem like a mood-killer – but giving blow jobs you don’t like is a mood-killer for you!
You could either try to make it something sexy (jumping in the shower together before returning to bed or wherever you like to do it), or just be honest but tactful. You could say something like, “I love going down on you [if you do], but could you wash up really quick before we do it?” He may understand what you’re getting at, or if he asks why, you can explain that by the end of the day, things don’t smell as good (if he seems hurt or defensive, you could add that you know that’s true for everyone and it’s not anything bad about him specifically), and you want to be able to really enjoy yourself.
Hopefully, even if he feels a little embarrassed at first, he’ll recognize that rinsing off his bits before oral sex is quick and easy and benefits both of you; you’ll be able to have more fun and really enjoy what you’re doing, and that almost certainly contributes to an even more enjoyable experience for him. I’ve had this discussion before – not about smell but about certain pairs of underwear that leave behind gobs of lint – and it may not be the sexiest conversation in the world, but it is definitely sexier than me pausing to pull puffs of lint off my tongue or you getting distracted and not having fun because of the smell.
Now, onto the second half of your question! Blow jobs are one of my favorite things to do because there’s so much opportunity for creativity – you can do so much more than just putting a dick in your mouth and sucking on it, and you can definitely still give a blow job that you both enjoy even if you can’t get much past the tip. Here are some moves that have worked well for me:
- Thinking of it as a Popsicle might feel silly, but licking can be really great. The frenulum – the wrinkly spot right below the head – is often very sensitive in a good way, so licking up and down but pausing to focus on that spot usually gets me a good response.
- You can also vary your technique when you’re licking – don’t just lick with your tongue flat but try moving it in circles, brushing it back and forth, swirling it around, etc.
- Use your hands! Nobody ever said a blow job had to be mouth only, and if somebody did say that, they were lying! You can go up and down with your hand and mouth at the same time, going only as far as you comfortably can with your mouth and moving your hand the rest of the way down, then back up to meet up with your mouth again. Try reversing it! Try moving just your hand while you hold the tip in your mouth and suck/lick/move your tongue around, or try licking the base while you jerk him off.
- Finally, if you’re into involving toys in your sexytimes, you could use a short sleeve like this one to take care of most of his cock while you focus on just the base or tip.
So, ultimately, there’s a lot of room for creativity when it comes to blow jobs, and figuring out what works can be a fun process for both of you (and if you find it more stressful or uncomfortable than fun, remember that this is not something you have to do, and no one should be making you feel like you have to!). Hopefully, our tips give you something to work with, but as always, we invite our fabulous and sexy readers to offer their suggestions as well. Anyone with similar experiences have advice for Jawbreaker in the comments?
Keep the great questions coming! (Hee.) Got a question to ask, subject you’d like us to discuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? You can e-mail us at FriskyFeminist@persephonemagazine.com or send us an anonymous message via the spiffy new Ask Us! feature here.