We Try It!: Pickup Lines

Buster BlondeWe try it!22 Comments

sofasogood
I’m fascinated by a good line, and even more fascinated by a bad one. How are they crafted? Are they off-the-cuff musings? Do they evolve from riffing on actual, once-had conversations? Would a, could a prospective paramour really be enticed by a punchy one-liner from a stranger? These and other questions of the ages,will probably never be answered.
 

 

But, in homage to pickup lines everywhere, I set out to create the best worst lines possible. Getting deep into character (I went so far as to put on a super deep-V tee, waxy hair product, and a matching neck and wallet chain), I attempted to enter the mind of the aspiring pickup artist.

What I came up with was, in no particular order, the 16 most confusing pickup lines of all time, or (to paraphrase Lena Dunham), of a time.

For your reluctant consumption”¦

  1. Nice cans. Do you recycle?
  2. Gurrl, your eyes are like two organs that convert light into electro-chemical impulses in neurons.
  3. You’re so pretty I just farted a little bit, from nerves.
  4. Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are? Do you feel deserving of this type of praise? Would you say your self-worth comes from external validation? Let’s discuss these self-esteem issues further. I have a Tuesday afternoon appointment available. Here’s my card; my assistant can set it up.
  5. Do you come here often? Because I’m trying to get regular patrons to “like” my review on Yelp.
  6. Check out those sweater puppies! I love when people dress their pets. It’s so cute.
  7. You remind me of a young Victoria Principal, star of The Abduction. I’m really into made-for-TV movies about kidnappings.
  8. Your mother must have been an angel, because you’re really loud, like Gabriel’s trumpet. Seriously, shoosh, you jackal. You’re busting my friggin’ eardrums over here!
  9. I bet your legs go allll the way up”¦to the acetabulofemoral joints that connect your femurs to your hip bones.
  10. I love that sparkle in your eye. It makes me feel like this acid is finally kicking in.
  11. You should be a model. I’d feel way less weird about the fact that I have herpes if I saw someone like you in a Valtrex commercial.
  12. I’d love to take you home to meet my mother; I think you two would really hit it off. Do you want her number? She’s also on gchat.
  13. Your place or mine? Mine has a very handsomely framed van Gogh poster, but yours probably has indoor plumbing. Your call.
  14. Your place or mine? Mine has a nice futon, but yours probably doesn’t have a possum infestation. Toss-up.
  15. Your place or mine? I don’t have any roommates, but I also don’t have any toilet paper.
  16. On a British Parliamentary cosplay scale of 1 to 10 (the median – 5 – being you own your own Maggie Thatcher mask, wig, and low-heeled pumps), I’m looking for at least an 8.

Sweater Puppies (Photo Courtesy of Teddy n TJ Rule the World via Flickr)

 

Feel free to add your own actually witnessed or these-words-have-probably-never-been-nor-should-they-ever-be-uttered pickup lines in the comments.

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What feel do you feel after reading this post?
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Buster BlondeWe Try It!: Pickup Lines

22 Comments on “We Try It!: Pickup Lines”

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  1. Profile photo of
    Matzukado

    “Hey, I see you’re a redhead. Redheads rock my world. My mother was a redhead.”

  2. Profile photo of anderscm
    anderscm

    Best “line” I’ve ever gotten, I was biking up a hill in high school and a jeep full of guys drove past and screamed out, “Nice bum, where ya from?” I was pissed at the time, now I find it HI-larious :)

  3. Profile photo of Alex
    Alex

    My passion for you is like Hannibal of the Carthaginians; one-eyed, megalomaniacal, and determined to ravage your outer reaches and later your key allies.

    They call me King Narmer, ’cause I unify fertile upper and lower regions.

    I’d like to clear your Highlands.

     

     

  4. Profile photo of ItsLikeIHaveEspnOrSomething
    ItsLikeIHaveEspnOrSomething

    Cheesy pick up lines work on me. I cannot resist someone who’s sense of humor is as terrible as mine.

    Also #9 and any other biology talk. I don’t always understand it but it still makes me hot. I’m a walking cliche.

  5. Profile photo of twiddle
    twiddle

    I got this on a Valentine’s Day gag card: “You’ve stolen my heart. Luckily, I have another one in the freezer.”

    And a friend of mine got this one at a college party once. Drunkenness + cancer scars = hilarity!
    Other woman: “Is that a hickey on your chest?!”
    Friend: “No, it’s a porta-cath scar.”
    Other woman: “Whatever it is, it’s turning me on.”

     

  6. Profile photo of nonsensikel
    nonsensikel

    Number 9 would work on me. Hands down.

    ETA: This isn’t a pick up line, but this happened to me about 6 months ago.  Band stops playing, my friends and I stop dancing, the lights come on, a guy at least 8 inches shorter comes up to me and says, “Hey, I was wondering if we could talk for a little bit because you seem nice and approachable and nerdy.”

  7. Profile photo of freckle [M]
    freckle [M]

    I’m so confused right now. I have very little experience with being picked up, or realize it much too late (me: talking chitchat, him suddenly asking if he can walk me home/if I’m single/what my plans are).

  8. Profile photo of Jazmin
    Jazmin

    “Damn! You have huge boobies! Are you and your friend lesbians? Let me buy you a beer and take you home.”

    Um, why would that work? Why would anyone think would work?

  9. Profile photo of BaseballChica03
    BaseballChica03

    I once had a guy try to pick me up by straight out just saying hi and asking my name (good start!) and then giggling about how my name and his name rhymed (very, very bad).

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