Q. How the hell does one relax enough to have an orgasm with a new partner? I’ve always found how one accomplishes this mystifying.
A: My love, if I had a nickel for every time I have dealt with this problem, I’d have a sack full of nickels, in a nickel house, with a nickel dog, while living in Nickel Town. The short answer: a lot of things. The long answer: here’s where we break it down.
First off, let’s cut out a few obstacles – are you able to be sexually stimulated and can you come via masturbation? If so, move forward on this Monopoly board of orgasms (if not, you should hit us up with that). One of the biggest things that plays a factor in this whole scenario is knowing that you can come – maybe not at the moment you intend, but that orgasm and pleasure is indeed in the realm of your possibility. Knowing this potential is like keeping a stocked chest of pirate booty in the way back. It may take some digging, but eventually, you will reach buried treasure.
What I think most of us good folks experience is good old-fashioned stage fright. Perhaps not literally, but I think many of us deal with the “what ifs” rather than the “what feels good now.” The act of stripping it down and being all into the sex with someone for the first time can be, well, hard. Performance anxiety and general nerves can run the gamut when you are bearing it for the first time. But we aren’t here to tell you “relax.” Sometimes this is like a little pinch of salt in the wound. Relax, as if it could come about exactly when you needed it or that your concerns are always fixed by just relaxing. Sure it’s part of it, I can’t say that a little glass of vino or any one of your favorite adult substances would be of help. But relaxing is just the tip of the ‘berg of what many folks deal with when not only showing their bodies in the naked flesh for the first time, but also revealing what gets them off, what turns them on, and what life is like with them in between the sheets. Another aspect of this equation, is a factor mentioned in two adjoining pieces by Fran Langum and Kitty Wampus on the gendered issue of orgasming in casual sex scenarios:
I’ve talked with a large number of women about this topic over the years and asked lots and lots of girlfriends the following questions: How old were you when you first had sex, and how old were you when you had your first orgasm? The orgasm gap is pretty damn wide for a great many women. I have yet to meet an honest girlfriend who had their first good sex before the age of twenty-two. Lots and lots of women have had lots and lots of sex before they actually enjoyed it. And sadly, some men and women never figure out which female erogenous buttons to push. -Fran Langum
Kitty Wampus goes on to add:
I’ve rarely known a very short-term partner who really knew how to ring my bells. The fun was all in the newness, really.
Now of course, this isn’t the same for everyone. For all my folks out there who can cum at the drop of a dime with anyone of their choice, I bow and tip my hat to you, you divine souls. But whether you agree or disagree with Langum or Wampus’s views of casual sex, the point comes around to the idea of why it might be a bit harder to orgasm with someone you don’t necessarily know all that well. While we love the exciting feeling that may come with sleeping with a new person, I think I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t worried about all the other stuff – the way my body was perceived, whether or not they think I’m sexy. So in the meantime here are some things that may help:
Be Honest: Fucking someone the only way they want or expect you to fuck takes all the fun out of everything. Besides, if they don’t want to be a part of you feeling good or respecting what gets you off, fuck ‘em. Not literally.
Communication: This ties into honesty, but what feels good for you? What do you want?
Relaxing: Ladies (and yes, you gents too), we tend to cum in our heads. Let me repeat that. We cum in our heads. If I’m not in the state of mind of having an orgasm, ain’t no way I’m having one. So while we could physically be relaxed and this helps, if we aren’t mentally there, it’s hard to not only enjoy, but to be mindful of what we are doing. What are the mental barriers that may be keeping you from enjoying yourself? Doubt? Worry? Negative Nancy voices? Break ‘em down. These naysaying killjoys can make any sort of sex seem more like a performance at the Triad, rather than humping for pleasure. When we come into the ring already doubting ourselves, nerves a-flame and anxieties running high, we can end up forgetting to concentrate on what feels good, rather than what may happen in that first time. Now following this is the hardest part. With our own gobbledy goo that hangs out in our heads, it can be hard to let go. But find what way works best for you and let go, even if it is little by little.
Practice makes perfect: If you are into it, having sex again and again gets rid of performance anxiety pretty quick and gets us down to the nitty gritty. You learn more about each other’s bodies, and you learn how to adapt to each other’s movements – the terrain becomes known!
Have some fucking fun: Look, I love orgasms, you love orgasms, we all love orgasms. While we all have sex for a multitude of reasons, most of us can agree that orgasms are you know, awesome. So whip off your clothes as fast as you can and get out your favorite boning shoes, and get to practice! Whether it’s a newbie or oldie, get your junk pumpin’ and your orgasms a-flowing. This is America, dammit, and you owe it to your lovely country. Cum. Cum for America.
Let freedom ring.
Got a question to ask, subject you’d like us to discuss, or myth you’d like us to bust? Keep ‘em coming! (Lord.Have.And.Mercy.) You can send us an anonymous message via the Ask Us! feature here. We promise we don’t bite (unless you’re into that type of thingâ€¦)