Ladyguide: The Guys You Meet on OkCupid

Grab your binoculars, girls, we’re going on a safari to see the guys you meet on OkCupid.

1. The Nice Guyâ„¢ – An online dating profile is the natural environment for The Nice Guyâ„¢. Where else can he announce his niceness multiple times? His mating call involves lamenting all the women who prefer jerks. One mention of how nice he is combined with a clever reference can be forgiven, more than one mention combined with accusations of your preference for jerks makes a red flag. Approach with caution. This dude gets extra points for telling his visitors that he is not only nice, but also good looking.

Screenshot of an OkCupid profile of a Nice Guy

2. The Guy Who Can’t Take “No” for an Answer – They are on the hunt and the word “no” makes them pursue you faster and harder, which is a giant red flag. Take this gentleman. He had written to me, and I thought he was pretty cool until I read this note on his profile that let me know he’s probably a little emotionally manipulative.

Screen shot of a dating profile

This guy thinks I could do a lot worse than him. Way to neg dude!

These guys think they don’t have to try too hard and you’ll pay for any dissent with passive-aggressive and just plain aggressive behavior.

3. Rational thinkers – These guys hunt with the armor of rationality. They don’t let emotions rule them, and you should appreciate this, even when you inevitably get into an argument with them and they call you emotional or irrational for having a feeling every once in a while.

Screenshot of an online dating profile

4. Guys who can’t take a clear picture of themselves – These guys have mastered camouflage.  Their preferred method of cover is the dark photo, lens-flare, and photo of themselves too far into background to make out any real features. Almost as bad as the shirtless-photo-in-the-bathroom-mirror, these photos will drive you crazy because you will never be able to tell if you could find them attractive. Take this guy – he could direct a J.J. Abrams movie with all the lens-flare (and this was just one example).

Photo of a guy with a lens flare

5. The frankly bizarre – Occasionally you will receive a message that is just bizzare. You will be happy you braved the jungles of online dating just for the momentary amusement. This first guy thinks I look like Richard Dawkins:

This one I forgot to take a screen shot of, but thankfully I had copy-and-pasted much of the message into an email to my friend. He began by describing how he had tried to grow apples in a closet, and he ended up with this:

I don’t think I’d make a very good mouse, ms. sally. Given any potential closet it must be difficult to determine whether or not your efforts to enter that closet are worthwhile. There aren’t all that many apple rich closets, ms. sally. And, having entered an apple rich closet, how do you decide not to eat the little succulents. The minds of mice are filled with secret reservoirs of genius.

6. Philosophers – These guys like to talk about the deeper meaning of life. They like arguments and deep thoughts. This guy thinks he’s Socrates, what with his use of irony (I’m unsure if he knows what it means, though):

This guy is a teacher by profession, but a philosopher in level of pretentiousness.

Screenshot of a conversation

7. Married Dudes – Now, I’m sure there are a few of this species who are indeed in an open marriage and just looking for some legitamate fun with their partner’s permission, but it’s so hard to tell on an online dating site and my instinct is to think these guys are creepers. This profile comes with homework:

There are many more types, but these are the ones I’ve come across the most. What have you seen in the online dating jungle?

I owe inspiraton to this post to the countless people featuring the worst of online dating every day. Here are my favorites:

Published by

[E] Sally Lawton

My food groups are cheese, bacon, and hot tea. I like studying cities and playing with my cat, Buffy.

18 thoughts on “Ladyguide: The Guys You Meet on OkCupid”

  1. Been using OKC for a few years, and mostly I’ve found some lovely fellas on there…hasn’t turned into the love of my life as yet but I’ve made plenty of new friends. However I have met a few just completely crazy nutjobs on there as well, my favourite of which was a year or so ago. Guy visits my profile, sends me a message saying hi, we had a reasonably high compatibility match, so I went to check out his profile. And it was the same as mine….a copy-and-paste job. I thought at first that it was maybe some sort of odd glitch with the site, but he had gone through the reams of stuff I have on my profile and made changes to anything that made it obvious that it was written by a woman, changed pronouns around and all that, but otherwise it was several thousand words taken entirely from what I had written. The weirdest thing…the EXACT SAME THING happened with a different dude in a totally different part of the world a few months later! So…is it kind of flattering in a way? Maybe? But still…pretty creepy, right?

  2. It’s interesting, in Germany OkCupid isn’t well known, so it’s manly the domain of nerds and hipsters… which is kind of nice, actually, since I met my boyfriend there :)

    I never got one of the messages descrived above from a german guy, but plenty of them from USians and Indians, which leads me to believe that in those countries OkCupid is more well known?

  3. Here’s a sampling of a few of the messages I’ve gotten in the last few days:

    “Hi how are you dear?? Ummm I am thinking what I say to you so you talk to me but you know I find nothing in me that make you to pick me ……. Oke I here I go ,,,,,if you really looking for funny romantic caring very passionate and loyal person who treat you as her queen , make you happy whenever you feel sad, not let tear come into your eye , be there to share sorrow and happiness whenever you need him, not let you down and never ever cheat on you… the same guy planning to jump from bridge due to loneliness please save him by replying …:)”

    Guess he jumped off a bridge, ‘cuz I didn’t reply…

    “hi :)
    im a cuckold and want to meet my one :)
    only for serious relationship”

    So you’re married…..?  Or do you just not know what cuckold means?

    “After a rigorously brief overview of your profile, I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.
    Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories… you will always have a special place in my heart.
    your ex-hubby,
    Sarat

    ps. You can keep the house in Hawaii but, I am going to need half our money according to our prenup”

    What. The. Fuck.

    Also a guy who thinks we would be compatible because his mother majored in English and I am an English teacher.  That’s totally how compatibility works, right?

    1. Haha, because being married is like being in captivity! Amirite, fellas!? And this guy got married because…because he wants wifey to clean his clothes / cook him food, and he wants to bang everyone but her? I guess? I don’t know. PASS.

  4. On the flip side, I met my husband there, and a few long-ish term boyfriends before then as well. But it was a lot of wading through these types and also:

    • Separated Dude, who’s essentially looking for a therapist and rebound sex but is in no way over their ex (MANY of these there);
    • Drill Sergeant, who thinks that you have to pass a test of useless, non-helpful questions to be deemed worthy of his attention;
    • Sailor Man, who wants to take you sailing because he has a boat, and is older than your grandfather;
    • Transparent Man, who ‘nonchalantly’ asks your opinion on subjects like STDs, threesomes, infidelity, being broke, etc. for ‘no particular reason.’

    And the ones redpensplease mentions; there always seem to be those as well. The ‘didn’t read’ ones many times seem to be sending a form response, which is a paragraph or two talking about themselves, telling you what they want, and maybe asking one question about you.

     

    1. Oh god, I just had a horrible dating flashback after reading your post.  The guy with the long list of requirements before he’ll deign to meet you?  THE WORST.  Well, maybe not as bad as the guy who told me he expects his girlfriends to tidy up his place and do his laundry (YES THIS HAPPENED) but still pretty bad.

       

      And rebound sex “act normal on first date, gain trust, spend 2nd date crying about ex” guy is also….eck.  How are there so many people like this out there?

    2. “ Drill Sergeant, who thinks that you have to pass a test of useless, non-helpful questions to be deemed worthy of his attention;”

      Ugh, this. And I haven’t even tried online dating that much. Just like eight months ago and yikes. This guy. This fucking guy. And he *will* ask for 800 pictures of you even after only providing 1 of himself. It just blows my mind how many dudes are like this. Like, can’t you just get to know me a little first? Without the LiveJournal-esque personality questionnaire?

  5. I’ve gotten all of these.

    There’s  “Mr. I read not a single sentence of your profile.” Like when I say I don’t want to date anyone outside of NYC, and I get messages from dudes in bumblefuck (Florida? Iowa? WTF?). Or when I say I don’t want to date anyone who practices organized religion, and their profile is one bi ol’ jesus-mentioning fest. Newsflash dudes, if I wanted just any guy, I would just go to a bar and get one like the good spaghetti monster intended.

    There’s the “You’re beautiful/hot/nice tits” guy. But it’s spelled some abysmal way and has some kind of gross emoticon. And there’s no other message.

    There’s the subset of married guy — his wife, looking for someone to complete their threesome. Yes, I look like a librarian you saw in a porn once.  No, I do not want to go to Connecticut to bang you two because your marital sex life sucks and you think a rando woman will save it.

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