Grab your binoculars, girls, we’re going on a safari to see the guys you meet on OkCupid.
1. The Nice Guyâ„¢ – An online dating profile is the natural environment for The Nice Guyâ„¢. Where else can he announce his niceness multiple times? His mating call involves lamenting all the women who prefer jerks. One mention of how nice he is combined with a clever reference can be forgiven, more than one mention combined with accusations of your preference for jerks makes a red flag. Approach with caution. This dude gets extra points for telling his visitors that he is not only nice, but also good looking.
2. The Guy Who Can’t Take “No” for an Answer – They are on the hunt and the word “no” makes them pursue you faster and harder, which is a giant red flag. Take this gentleman. He had written to me, and I thought he was pretty cool until I read this note on his profile that let me know he’s probably a little emotionally manipulative.
This guy thinks I could do a lot worse than him. Way to neg dude!
These guys think they don’t have to try too hard and you’ll pay for any dissent with passive-aggressive and just plain aggressive behavior.
3. Rational thinkers – These guys hunt with the armor of rationality. They don’t let emotions rule them, and you should appreciate this, even when you inevitably get into an argument with them and they call you emotional or irrational for having a feeling every once in a while.
4. Guys who can’t take a clear picture of themselves – These guys have mastered camouflage. Their preferred method of cover is the dark photo, lens-flare, and photo of themselves too far into background to make out any real features. Almost as bad as the shirtless-photo-in-the-bathroom-mirror, these photos will drive you crazy because you will never be able to tell if you could find them attractive. Take this guy – he could direct a J.J. Abrams movie with all the lens-flare (and this was just one example).
5. The frankly bizarre – Occasionally you will receive a message that is just bizzare. You will be happy you braved the jungles of online dating just for the momentary amusement. This first guy thinks I look like Richard Dawkins:
This one I forgot to take a screen shot of, but thankfully I had copy-and-pasted much of the message into an email to my friend. He began by describing how he had tried to grow apples in a closet, and he ended up with this:
I don’t think I’d make a very good mouse, ms. sally. Given any potential closet it must be difficult to determine whether or not your efforts to enter that closet are worthwhile. There aren’t all that many apple rich closets, ms. sally. And, having entered an apple rich closet, how do you decide not to eat the little succulents. The minds of mice are filled with secret reservoirs of genius.
6. Philosophers – These guys like to talk about the deeper meaning of life. They like arguments and deep thoughts. This guy thinks he’s Socrates, what with his use of irony (I’m unsure if he knows what it means, though):
This guy is a teacher by profession, but a philosopher in level of pretentiousness.
7. Married Dudes – Now, I’m sure there are a few of this species who are indeed in an open marriage and just looking for some legitamate fun with their partner’s permission, but it’s so hard to tell on an online dating site and my instinct is to think these guys are creepers. This profile comes with homework:
There are many more types, but these are the ones I’ve come across the most. What have you seen in the online dating jungle?
I owe inspiraton to this post to the countless people featuring the worst of online dating every day. Here are my favorites: