Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” – Chapter One

Hello, Persephoneers! I’ll admit that I’ve been very overwhelmed lately, and I finally got around to some me time this past weekend. With what? Well, I took some time out to get a peek at E.L. James’s epic romantic novel Fifty Shades of Grey. Some people have deemed it to be the best piece of literature they have ever read, while others dismiss it as trash written by a hack.

I, on the other hand – along with some others – think it’s the funniest thing I’ve ever read. It’s just so deliciously awful. There are some real humdingers here, folks. So this is what I’m going to do for you: I’m going to go through each chapter and find the funniest or worst quotes, themes, or elements and give you my two cents worth on each of them. We’re starting out with Chapter One. Ready? Here we go!

[H]ere I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under control with the brush”¦.My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi-presentable.

Um, I guess she’s never heard of a blow dryer and a round brush, either?

Kate is my roommate, and she has chosen today of all days to succumb to the flu. Therefore, she cannot attend the interview she’s arranged to do, with some mega-industrialist tycoon I have never heard of, for the student newspaper. So I have been volunteered. Damn her and her extracurricular activities!

Yup. Damn Kate. She’s doing this all on purpose. Damn her and her lousy extracurricular activities straight to hell.

I cannot believe that I let Kate talk me into this. But then Kate can talk anyone into anything.

Yeah, like the time she talked you into eating crayons to see whether or not your poop would come out in different colors. You ended up in the ER. But sure, Kate, anything you say, Kate!

I’m not sure Wanda, my old VW Beatle, would make the journey in time.

Special guest appearance by Herbie the Love Bug as Wanda.

I push open the door and stumble through, tripping on my own feet, and falling head first into the office. Double crap – me and my two left feet! I am on my hands and knees in the doorway to Mr. Grey’s office, and gentle hands are helping me to stand. I am so embarrassed, damn my clumsiness. I have to steel myself to glance up. Holy cow – he”˜s so young.

She ought to be embarrassed that she didn’t see this as an opportunity to sue Grey for her slip and fall accident and come out of it with oodles of money. Holy cow – you could have paid off your student loans and bought yourself a new car.

Beyond that, there is a floor-to-ceiling window with a view of the Seattle skyline that looks out through the city toward the Sound. It’s a stunning vista, and I’m momentarily paralyzed by the view. Wow.

HOLY SHIT! HOLY COW! COPY EDITOR NEEDED HERE! LOOK AT THAT VIEW, AT THAT VISTA, AT THAT VIEW!

I’ve never been comfortable with one-on-one interviews, preferring the anonymity of a group discussion where I can sit inconspicuously at the back of the room. To be honest, I prefer my own company, reading a classic British novel, curled up in a chair in the campus library. Not sitting twitching nervously in a colossal glass and stone edifice.

No, it’s just that you really didn’t need that extra espresso shot.

“I haven’t made any plans, Mr. Grey. I just need to get through my final exams.” Which I should be studying for now rather than sitting in your palatial, swanky, sterile office, feeling uncomfortable under your penetrating gaze.

Aha! Foreshadowing!

Something tells me that there is going to be a penetration motif throughout this. NO SPOILERS, OK?

‘”You also invest in farming technologies. Why are you so interested in this area?”

“We can’t eat money, Miss Steele, and there are too many people on this planet who don’t have enough to eat.”

“That sounds very philanthropic. Is it something you feel passionately about? Feeding the world’s poor?”

He shrugs, very noncommittal.

“It’s shrewd business,” he murmurs, though I think he’s being disingenuous.”’

The real face of Christian Grey, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s just hope Ana’s an ear woman.

 

And that’s a wrap! If you read it, did you see any laugh- or cringe-worthy things worth sharing? Please do!

Until Chapter Two, Persephoneers!

 

 

 

 

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28 Comments Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” – Chapter One

  1. Avatar of sequinedsequined

    Wow, reading multiple sentences together like this, as opposed to single lines I’ve seen elsewhere, really highlights what bad writing this is. Yikes.

  2. Avatar of Meg BoMeg Bo

    This made my morning, can’t wait to read the rest! This book has probably the biggest hold list at the moment, in my large city’s public library – just checked, 2,683 holds – and it bums me out, a lot.

  3. Avatar of MJMJ

    Disclaimer:  I’ve only read bits and pieces of this book in articles like this and in links to blogs dedicated to making fun of it so my opinion is slanted due to those viewpoints.

    But holy Christ, it’s awful.

    For me the worst thing about it is that no one can comment on it without adding an “it came from fanfiction” reference and you know what?  I write fanfiction. And I don’t write this garbage. Not just the smut (although I don’t write the smut, either) but This. Garbage.

    Gah. Now I’m linked with this shit.  Dammit.

     

  4. Avatar of marthamydearmarthamydear

    This is the only way I’m ever going to know things about this book, so thank you, Linotte, for sacrificing yourself on the FSoG altar for us.

  5. Avatar of Jessica WernerJessica Werner

    You’re going to headdesk so hard through the rest of this book, you’re going to need a new desk.  Suggestion: don’t buy one from Christian Grey (KINKY AMIRITE DESK SEX).  I read all three so I can shit-talk with authority.  To be clear, I am thrilled that women are frankly reading a romance, are frankly reading a book that is specifically a sex-oriented book.  I’m glad that a book written by a woman about a woman having sex is selling like mad.

    I’m furious that it’s a book about an abusive relationship.  I’m angry that it’s full of sex from penetration only.  I’m upset it’s so TERRIBLY WRITTEN.  I’m disgusted that she’s obviously never visited the area and never spoke with someone who lives here and apparently can’t even consult a map correctly.  And I’m very doubting that someone can be an honors student at a major university and not: have her own e-mail address, have used a laptop, or drank coffee.  God, at least I sort of hoped Bella would get her shit together and stand up to the men in her life.  I couldn’t even work up to hoping the same on Anastasia.

    1. Avatar of Linotte MelodieuseLinotte Melodieuse

      There are even some parts where the author uses British English: “He rang me,” “that bit.”

      There’s one part in Chapter 5 or 6 in which Ana and Kate are discussing Tess and Kate laughs, “Ooh, after Alec d’Urberville had his wicked way with her?”  I read that and I was like, “Was that a rape joke?  Did I just read what I thought I read?  Did she just fucking make a rape joke?”

      You bet she fucking did!

       

  6. Avatar of nonsensikelnonsensikel

    Bahahaha.  I will never grow tired of reading excerpts from this book.  They are so funny, but more importantly, they help me put up with all of my coworkers that are currently reading FSoG and going on and on about it’s wonderfulness.  Yes, it is wonderful–wonderfully funny.

  7. Avatar of OpifexOpifex

    HOLY SHIT! HOLY COW! COPY EDITOR NEEDED HERE! LOOK AT THAT VIEW, AT THAT VISTA, AT THAT VIEW!

    Ahhh! I am not shaking with barely contained laughter in my cube right now! No I am not!

    Thank god my boss just stepped out for a bit.

  8. Avatar of [M] QoB[M] QoB

    I am of the firm opinion that this trilogy’s contribution to the world is the amount of hilarious reviews and parodies it’s led to. Like this:)

    Other favourites: @50shedsofgrey, @christiangreyxx, and if I may shamelessly plug (heh) my countrywomen:

    50 Shades of Tedious Fuckery review series: this is from the 4th one:

     I’d just like to point out that it takes until the end of Chapter Eight for the first sex scene. With a book as tedious as this, that’s like twenty normal-book chapters.

    They get to the bedroom and there’s some incredibly unsexy undressing described, detailing him pulling off her Converse and socks and “running his thumbnail up my instep”. If someone did that to me they’d get an involuntary kick in the face. Jesus, like. Fuck away off from my instep. Followed by a voluntary kick in the face.

    50 Shades of Shite  (may only be pants-wettingly hilarious to Irish people or residents)

      1. Avatar of [M] QoB[M] QoB

        50 Shades of Suck was the first one I saw! Gold star for the Batman thing.

        I have started reading that one now and I’m greatly amused:

        I’m going to have to ask someone, please, look into the kindness and the goodness of your soul and photoshop me a picture of a black tie with Robert Pattinson’s hair and eyes stuck on it, gazing at me shrewdly.

        I also am obliged to recommend #irishshadesofgrey

        1. Avatar of WillowWeenWillowWeen


          So young – and attractive, very attractive. He’s tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly.

           

          That… is one hell of a tie.

    1. Avatar of Linotte MelodieuseLinotte Melodieuse

      The first sex scene is very unsexy.  He keeps calling her baby, and it’s like, “Do you know any other endearments?”

      Plus she samples some bodily fluids.  Not his.

      There are also some major issues with consent, and she keeps making these Tess of the d’Urbervilles references when we all know Tess was not a romance.

  9. Avatar of [E] Selena MacIntosh[E] Selena MacIntosh

    I love you for this, I’m scaring my cats with the laughing.

    I’m also working “We can’t eat [random thing] Miss Steele.” into all my conversations today.

    “We can’t eat pageviews, Miss Steele.”

    “We can’t eat dirty dishes, Miss Steele.”

    “We can’t eat a heat wave, Miss Steele.”

    Also, Steele and Grey, Ms. James, for serious?

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