Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey”: Chapter Three

Happy Monday, Persephoneers! Let’s start the long, arduous work week out with some laughs, shouldn’t we? Without further ado, here are my thoughts and snotty comments Chapter Three of E. L. James’s Fifty Shades of Grey.

My scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might like me. After all, he did say he was glad Kate didn’t do the interview. I hug myself with quiet glee, rocking from side to side, entertaining the possibility that he might like me for one brief moment.

Never mind that you might look a little crazy doing that.  Or maybe because you just happen to be less annoying than Kate is.

Whenever he’s home he asks me on a date, and I always say no. It’s a ritual. I’ve always never considered it a good idea to date the boss’s brother and besides, Paul is cute in a wholesome all-American boy-next-door kind of way, but he’s no literary hero, not by any stretch of the imagination.

Sounds more like sexual harassment to me.  You don’t have a shot with her, Paul, so move it on already.

“But I do places, Ana, not people,” Jose groans.

Yeah, he tried to ask Time Square out once, but she never responded.  And he wonders why he can’t get a date.

I am restless that night, tossing and turning. Dreaming of smoky gray eyes, coveralls, long legs, long fingers, and dark, dark unexplored places.

Ana’s dream man. She especially thinks he’s hot in coveralls.

I surreptitiously gaze at him from beneath my lashes as he stands in line waiting to be served. I could watch him all day”¦he’s tall, broad-shouldered, and slim, and the ways those pants hang on his hips”¦Oh my. Once or twice he runs his long, graceful fingers through his now dry but still disorderly hair. Hmm”¦I’d like to do that. The thought comes unbidden into my mind, and my face flames. I bite my lip ad stare down at my hands again, not liking where my wayward thoughts are going.

Flames…flames on the side of my face…

“But it’s England that I’d really like to visit”¦It’s the home of Shakespeare, Austen, the Bronte sisters, Thomas Hardy. I’d like to see the places that inspired these people to write such wonderful books.”

CLEARLY NOT THIS BOOK!

“Ana, there’s something about him.” Her tone is full of warning. “He’s gorgeous, I agree, but I think he’s dangerous. Especially to someone like you.”

“What do you mean, someone like me?” I demand, affronted.

“An innocent like you, Ana. You know what I mean,” she says, a little irritated.

Dear Kate: The more you keep telling Ana that Christian is dangerous, the more tempting you’re going to make him out to be.  If you don’t want her to see him, encourage her to date him!  Remember, like at the beginning of the book, how you kept pushing her to pursue him?

Moving to the tripod, Jose takes several more, while Grey sits and poses, patiently and naturally, for about twenty minutes. My wish has come true. I can stand and admire Christian Grey from not-so-afar. Twice our eyes lock, and I have to tear myself away from his cloudy gaze.

And then when he cries, it won’t be tears.  It’ll be rain.

BARF!  GAG!

It all happens so fast – one minute I’m falling, the next I’m in his arms and he’s holding me tightly against his chest. I inhale his clean, vital scent. He smells of fresh laundered linen and some expensive body wash. Oh my, it’s intoxicating. I inhale deeply.

The scent is Eau de Grand Douchebag.

And that’s a wrap, Persephoneers!  See you later this week for Chapter 4, when things really start to happen!

29 thoughts on “Linotte Reads “Fifty Shades of Grey”: Chapter Three”

  1. Urgh! Waterstones is marketing this as ‘the books everyone is whispering about’ and ‘get tied’ and o my lords I know there is money to make but it still hurts that ‘my’ book stores participate in this nonsense.

    And Ana it really isn’t a bad thing to have such thoughts. The bad thing is who you’re having them about.

  2. i’ve recently found out that all of my aunts/cousins are reading 50 shades, and they have asked me why i’m not.  how do i say “no i’m not reading it because it’s beneath me” without sounding like a douche?

    any advice? is anyone else dealing with this? they actually think it’s good (like good writing!) too, which makes it all the more sad and difficult.

      1. that’s all i’ve done up to this point. the problem is that they are all the kind of pushers that keep asking “why don’t you like it?”  “why, what’s wrong with it?” and etc. – basically because they WANT me to say i think it’s beneath me or that i think the writing it bad/dumb (or something implying such so they can twist my words) so they can then scoff at how i think i’m better than they are.

        they’re fun.

  3. All the “Oh my”s up there made me think of this review a friend of a friend posted on FB:

    It didn’t help that every time he said “oh baby” (an endearment I loathe from a grown man to a grown woman) he turned into Luther Vandross in my head. Every time she said “oh my” and there were many many many times, she transformed into George Takei. When you’ve got Luther Vandross shagging George Takei in your head, it becomes very unerotic.

    Personally, that makes it even more entertaining to me.

    1. THAT’S IT.  That’s why the “oh my” always seemed a little weirder to me than her “holy craps” and other obnoxious interjections (and I’ve only read excerpts…how do people get through this whole book?)  It’s that my subconscious (or should I say my inner goddess?) was thinking of George Takei!

      Thanks for clearing that up.

    1. My WordPress grammar check would definitely highlight that, call it “Redundant”, and politely ask me to edit it. The fact that her real live editor didn’t leads me to believe that s/he was overwhelmed.

      I’m actually getting pretty angry and I might have to avoid the whole series, despite the delightful commentary. It really does read like very, very bad fanfic.

      1. well it IS bad twilight Fanfic. I don’t know if she ever really was properly edited because she published it online and then it got picked up for print only after it became popular. Could be that since it had already been purchase by so many, there was little they could do to fix the book without dramatically altering it from its original form.

        Just a posit, though

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