In elementary school, when my friend and I wanted to insult each other, we’d say, “Oh yeah? Well, (fill in the blank) will play you in your TV movie!” Usually, fill in the blank was Tori Spelling, who in 1994 was the epitome of a bad actress and decidedly uncool to a bunch of fifth graders. Don’t ask me why we started with this insult; I seriously can’t figure out why I did half the stuff I did in my youth.
I thought of our insult game again the other day, which led me to wonder who would play me in a television movie these days. Now, the Lifetime network has absolutely no reason to even think about telling my story, but it’s still fun to think about it. The only problem is, I can’t think of a single actress who could portray me.
It’s not just that there isn’t an actress who could be my celebrity doppelganger; I really cannot come up with anything that sets me apart too much and is easy to replicate, like Marilyn Monroe’s breathy tone or Emma Stone’s husky voice. It’s a lot easier to step into the role of a real person when you have something like that to work with, and I would give my actress nothing, except a penchant for saying “whatever” a lot.
Sometimes, the real person takes on the roll, which makes sense but is also kind of weird. Are you willing to portray yourself in an unflattering light if need be? Will you let the director tell you how to do something you’ve already done in real life? Things could get very strange, very fast.
It would be pretty neat to watch the story of your life unfold onscreen (of course, that’s assuming your life wasn’t terrible), especially if it’s one of those movies where they have different actors playing you over time. I do think it would be difficult to be objective, especially if you had nothing to do with the script. Maybe it’s a good thing that unless I come up with a cure for cancer or write the Next Great American Novel – you know, things that would be worthy of having your tale told – I’ll never know how it feels.
So, who would play you in a movie? Are you as lost as I am in trying to figure someone out, or is there the perfect fit out there?