Q. Ah, the car. As a wise philosopher once said, “I like to fuck them somewhere relatively uncomfortable.” “What, like the back of a volkswagen?” Well, adventure kittens, congratulations on taking your sexcapades above and beyond. We here at this column give that type of effort two gold stars!
Oh, the places you’ll go! You never thought Dr. Seuss could inspire such a literal question. Well, the good news is, you can go just about anywhere that you set your heart on and my guess is that you and your partner are aiming for a place a touch more public? The not so good news is, while you can have sex in a multitude of places, it is usually not condoned, so you need to make sure you recognize the limitations and consequence of each situation. Consequences? Limitations? This column went from being super pos and fun to a middle school detention talk. Well, don’t worry — we do want you to soar like an eagle and to be able to have sex in a bounty of places, but we also want you to be aware of the downfalls if you do decide to take it, say, to the great outdoors or anywhere slightly risky. Risk is fun! But risk is even more fun when you know the odds are on your side.
Most of us have had some sort of sexual encounter outside the privacy of our own homes — maybe at the movies or the beach, the park, or, hell, a bar bathroom or two (or 25, but who’s counting). Why just the other day, when I was on the subway, I was blessed with sitting diagonal from a teenage couple, who at first glance, seemed a little partied out, but when the moans and groans started to hit, only then did I realize that girlfriend was bold and brazen enough to be going down on her perpetually clueless 18-year-old boyfriend on the subway. Now, let me be clear — I’m not a fan of sex in any place where the folks who have to be around you didn’t sign up for the show, and I know it’s a thing that some people really get off on. It’s just an issue of respect and boundaries in a public spot where maybe not everyone is down with you and your partner’s romping good time. At best, it gets a little giggle and a few entertained folks who think you’re nuts. At worst, it can become YouTube fodder or result in an arrest.
Now, most people don’t get arrested, unless there is a serious agenda going on — see NYC’s backwardass policies on carrying condoms and attempt to get cabbies to profile sex workers. Both are unfairly used to target trans communities, sex workers, and queer kids of color. Policing public sex is certainly not new, but it is often loaded ground that comes from a mixed bag of morality, property value, and as Dangerous Bedfellows, editors of Policing Public Sex, said, the divide between space for sex and space for domesticity. So if something is on the books, it’s on the books, so know what your area’s laws are as a just-in-case-shit-hits-the-fan scenario. The most that may happen is that someone may see you and scuttle off — but every area is different, so it’s good to be up-to-date on the worst-case scenario.
So, what to do? Well, think of spots that, while public, may offer a good amount of privacy. This can range from cruising spots, to weekend camping, to knowing what time the beach or the park is up for grabs, to stealing a whole five minutes in a bathroom somewhere. If you and your partner are interested, there are sure to be some locals who may offer parties where, depending on your level of openness and comfort, offer everything from watching, to sharing, to more. And remember — these are just options! What are you and your partner up for? Where are your boundaries and where are you willing to go?
Now alternatively, if going public seems to require some more thought and you really want to get creative and potentially spend some cash, there are larger sex toys that may be of use to your sex life. Revel Furniture makes a whole line of sex chairs that are specifically designed to hit all the right spots, while offering a multitude of opportunities. The best part is, they are so well designed, that they look more Ikea family friendly than I’m sure what pops into people’s heads when you mention “sex chair.” So hey, if mom and dad come over, you don’t even have to move things around (unless mom and dad are proud of baby girl, in which case, hell yea, mom and dad). There are tons of other options than say, designer sex furniture — Diletto, Liberator Ramps and chairs, and ccyell. I personally think the Liberator Ramp is fantastic, especially because it looks like a piece of gymnastic equipment. I think there’s nothing more supportive of your fellow Olympians than to celebrate their competition than with a romp on this baby. You could even go the route of the sex swing or the bondage bed — there’s even a blow up version of all this good stuff if you want to make sure it’s not lying around the house. However, it does come with a hefty price tag — it’s an investment! So in your case, it’s weighing what is best for you and your partner’s needs, not only the sexual ones, but the financial ones, as well as the personal comfort ones.
So kittens, remember! Have fun, play it safe, and go for the beyond! And if anything, report back to us when you can — nothing puts a smile on my face more than the hopeful happy results of this little diddly of an advice column.
Till next time, you babydolls!
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