Linotte Reads Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Nine

Happy Thursday!! Let me help you get through the middle of the week with a recap of Chapter Nine of Fifty Shades of Grey. This chapter is full of some laughs, so let’s get this started. I’ve tried to make this one as safe for work as possible.

Light fills the room, coaxing me from deep sleep to wakefulness. I stretch out and open my eyes. It’s a beautiful May morning, Seattle at my feet. Wow, what a view. Beside me, Christian Grey is fast asleep. Wow, what a view.

Wow, did you really have to say that twice?

Returning to the bedroom, Christian is still asleep.

So I take it Christian is a sleepwalker? Is that what you mean?

You don’t do any exercise in your life, my subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.

Hey, subconscious, don’t knock it till you try it!

Honestly, fancy falling for a man who’s beyond beautiful, richer than Croesus, and has a Red Room of Pain waiting for me.

So finally Ana admits it: It’s all about the money. The other two qualities are nice to have to, but hey, a gold digger has to keep her priorities straight.

I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard.

Wait…so are you into the guy or are you not? “Bluebeard” is a classic fairy tale character, but more villain than hero. But you like Mr. Rochester, so…

Being busy is good. It allows a bit of time to think, but not too deeply. Music blaring in my ears also helps to stave off deep thought. I came here to spend the night in Christian Grey’s bed, and managed it, even though he doesn’t let anyone in his bed. I smile, mission accomplished. Big time. I grin. Big, big time, and I’m distracted by the memory of last night.

This was just Ana’s role in the mission. While she was with Christian, Ethan Hunt and the rest of the IMF team were breaking into his office to steal his corporate secrets.

“What sort of basic training did you have in mind?” I ask, my voice slightly too high, betraying my wish to sound as natural, disinterested, and calm as I can with my hormones wreaking havoc through my body.
“Well, as you’re sore, I thought we could stick to oral skills.”

Oh, hahhaha, Christian, you’re so sexy and funny with your use of double entendres! I’m just rendered speechless by your dazzling wit and your heart-stopping hotness!

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

Is he telling us that it has a name? Do we have to guess? Is it Rumplestiltskin?

I had no idea giving pleasure could be such a turn-on, watching him writhe subtly with carnal longing. My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.

What, you didn’t hear? Ana’s inner goddess is going to compete in the upcoming season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

He’s my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.

What the what?

Quickly, he clambers out of the bath, giving me my first full glimpse of the Adonis, divinely formed, that is Christian Grey. My inner goddess has stopped dancing and is staring, too, mouth open and drooling slightly.

Ana’s inner goddess at this moment.

He glides his tongue up my instep ““ and I can no longer watch him. It’s too erotic. I’m going to combust.

Please do. Combust, that is.

I know in that moment that I would do anything for this man. I am his. The wonder that he’s introduced me to, it’s beyond anything I could have imagined. And he wants to take it further, so much further, to a place I can’t, in my innocence, even imagine. Oh”¦ what to do?

And here is James’s attempt to make this out to be some dark, tortured romance like the Brontë sisters used to write. Alas, it’s far from that.

And that’s a wrap! Stay tuned for Chapter Ten!

16 thoughts on “Linotte Reads Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter Nine”

  1. When you teased that John Hurt was making an appearance as her subconscious, I was really hoping it was the alien busting out of his chest to get away. Save yourself, inner goddess! But yours was even better. Yeesh. I just don’t understand how so many people love this book. Why????

  2.  

    Returning to the bedroom, Christian is still asleep.

    So I take it Christian is a sleepwalker? Is that what you mean?

    For some reason, this struck me as hysterically funny.

    But still sad.  Did she not have an editor?

     

     

  3. Ya know, call me crazy but the point at which I start thinking the guy I just boinked is like unto Bluebeard, the guy who murders his wives on their wedding night, is the point I get the fuck out of Dodge. Bah.

    Also, giggling forever at the Rumplestiltskin bit.

  4. I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard.”

    What….WHAT. Yes! I’ll make myself the epitome of an infantalized sexual stereotype so the creeper WON’T want me. …

    I suppose it does make sense that she clumsily stumbles (because she’s so clumsy) into that stereotype since she’s only 21 in 2012 and doesn’t know anything about anything. /s

    I fucking hate this book.

    1. It’s really difficult sometimes.  The thing is, like Ana, I have a B.A in English, so I’ve read and analyzed a lot of the works James and Meyer had in mind for Fifty Shades and Twilight respectively, or else I know what tropes to look for (thank you, class on gothic and sensation lit!).  Some of my coworkers have read it and some were skeeved out and they know I’m reading and recapping it.  Once I ranted because it made me so angry about the interpretation of  Tess of the d’Urbervilles as a romance when clearly it’s a book about how the poor are mistreated in society, more along the lines of Germinal and Maggie: A Girl of the Streets, and I got looked at like I was nutty.

      But I can’t throw my Kindle across the room, unfortunately.

  5. Wow, how incredibly unsexy is the word ‘instep’.

    I recently read ‘Duchess by night’ by Eloisa James. It also had a dark, handsome stranger who teaches the innocent Harriet about all the sex. But this woman has a head on her shoulders, he doesn’t abuse her and  they can even talk about things.

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