Persephone Magazine Interviews Rashida Jones: Parks, Recreation, and True Love [SATIRE]

I’m here with Rashida Jones, actress from the hit shows “Parks and Recreation” and “The Office,” and feature films such as “Our Idiot Brother” and “I Love You, Man.” The topic of conversation today is Ms. Jones’ recent engagement to Persephone writer Meg M. Persephone Magazine: So, Rashida, tell us about your engagement.

Rashida Jones: (Musical, magical laughter) Well, it’s like this. I got this package in the mail out of nowhere, right? And all that was in it was a lock of hair and a phone number. Naturally, I was curious, so I had to call. So I call, and someone picks up, and I hear this enchanting voice at the other end say, “‘Allo, my sweet. I ‘ave been waiting for thees moment all my life.” Just the faintest hint of violins. And then she proposed, and I just … accepted. I knew it was right.

PM: Wow. You just accepted without knowing anything about her?

RJ: Well, I might not have known her name or what she looked like, but I knew I was in love. And that’s all that matters, really.

PM: It sure is. So when’s the wedding?

RJ: We’re hoping for a fall wedding. Meg says that the autumn foliage will really complement the smoky, chocolatey hue of my eyes. (Giggles).

PM: That’s very sweet of her.

RJ: Yes, she’s amazing. She gets up at 5 a.m. every morning to make me breakfast in bed. This morning she brought me a stack of pancakes, each of which was an exact replica of my face. They were delicious.

PM: It’s not weird, eating your own face for breakfast?

RJ: Well, to be honest, I don’t really notice because Meg and I never stop gazing into each other’s eyes. Have I mentioned that she has the most lovely eyes?

PM: No, not yet. Tell us about them.

RJ: Well, have you ever been out looking at the ocean at the precise moment when the sunrise hits the water? They’re a lot like that. They’re full of mystery, and depth, and magic. Like you could just get lost in them, you know? (Sighs deeply, pulls out an antique lace fan and begins fanning herself.)

PM: Wow.

RJ: I know. It’s like every ’90s power ballad suddenly has meaning. I don’t really know how to put it into words, you know? Because it’s more than words. More than words to show I feel that my love for her is real.

PM: Well, congratulations again. We wish you both the best.

RJ: Thank you so much. We really couldn’t be happier. (Dabs at a single, crystalline tear with a white linen handkerchief, which appears to have the letters “RJ & MM” embroidered into the corner).

 

LEGAL NOTICE/SATIRE ALERT: PERSEPHONE MAGAZINE IS REQUIRED TO TELL YOU FOR FEAR OF LAWSUITS THAT THIS “INTERVIEW” REPRESENTS NOTHING MORE THAN A JUNIOR WRITER’S FLIGHT OF FANCY. RASHIDA JONES DID NOT ACCEPT SAID WRITER’S MARRIAGE PROPOSAL, THOUGH SAID WRITER HAS NOT YET GIVEN UP HOPE. RASHIDA, IF YOU’RE READING THIS, I THINK WE WOULD MAKE A GREAT COUPLE. THINK ABOUT IT. AND DON’T SUE ME, BABE.

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