WHY WON’T THE UNICORN HAVE SEX WITH ME?
Trojan might say the Unicorn’s horn is “ribbed for your pleasure” but Craig from Accounting definitely claims the horn gets narrower at the tip for his pleasure.
My boyfriend had to do a bunch over overtime this weekend so I don’t get my weekly sleepover. I am trying to sext him, but he’s being slow on the uptake. If he’s busy why doesn’t he just say so?
I wanna get some, and things are not working out in my favor.
~Horny And Bored
Dear Horny and Bored,
He may be trying to refill his Viagra prescription if he’s slow on the uptake (which is totally okay, men!). He can’t text you back with dick pics if his penis looks like Droopy Dog caring two huge watermelons home from the farmer’s market. As women, sometime we like to think men are always big and strong, but we forget they are self conscious about their wang-dang-wham-a-llama-ding-dongs.
If you are just horny and bored, though, you have lots of options. Since feminism is all about being sex-positive now, you can head to D.C. and give yourself to some Republicans looking for a little action after their circle-jerk in Tampa two weeks ago. Be totally submissive or play coy and hard to get – Republicans hate it when a woman has an honest opinion; I assume it’s similar to how bacteria hates penicillin. If you really love your vagina though, and tend to therefore vote Democrat, you can always use Al Gore’s “Vibrator In The Clouds”; it’s a series of tubes, protocols, and collection of dick pics from other women that will hypnotize your mind and help you rub one out. It’s the lesser known, alternate version of Dr. King’s “I Have A Dream” speech titled “I HAD A Dream.”
What do you do when you spend all your free time with a bunch of imaginary friends and end up killing your real social life?
~Trapped On The Internet
So, there is this series of tubes… and well let’s just say, it ends in masturbation. Just like every good date should end in sex, every night alone should end in masturbation.
It’s the only logical choice.
How did you feel about the Democratic and Republican National Conventions? What did you think of the speeches?
~An Independent Voter
I was off climbing 40 mountains in Colorado for the past two weeks so I missed them. I also ran a marathon every day.
I’m pretty fucking awesome, actually, so maybe you should just vote for me. Just write my name in for President; Obama will understand.
Is your life filled with problems? Are you looking for the correct answers? Well, if you are desperately seeking advice, write Emily a line in the comments or send an email to emilymuppets [at] persephonemagazine.com.
Seriously, you horse-fuckers, this shit doesn’t write itself. I don’t just walk down the street and step in this crap. Send me some questions.