Oh kittens. Oh, ho, ho ho, kittens. Lets be clear: it’s all about the news, and well, the news can be what the French refer to as quelle horreur.
Here we are for another roundabout recap of all the news that proves that this dear country is headed to hell in an embroidered handbasket full of violets and posies. We make it through each week with the forced smiles on our faces, gathering round the ol’ television, wondering about the very forces that make all things seem ever so… silly. So gather up your wills and your wiles, let’s meet this week’s news head on with a brave face and a tight grip on sanity.
Hello Mittens? It’s Burnsies. We MUST talk about that speech you gave.
MITTENS. OH MITTENS, MITTENS, MITTENS. Good lord and the heavens of the Jesus, Mittens. 47% and some other stuff and here we are. Oh”¦ Mittens. (Mother Jones)
The NY Times reports that “a historian of early Christianity at Harvard Divinity School has identified a scrap of papyrus that she says was written in Coptic in the fourth century and contains a phrase never seen in any piece of Scripture: “Jesus said to them, “˜My wife “¦’” So you know, Jesus and stuff”¦ (NY Times)
The friction between China and Japan continues to grow over a dispute of islands in the East China Sea. Japanese companies suspended operations in China post protests and attacks on the companies. (BBC)
A refinery explosion near the border of Texas and Mexico has killed at least ten. The company, Pemax, has not yet concluded what caused the explosion. (CNN)
Occupy Wall Street marked its first anniversary. (Al Jazeera)
Chicago school teachers are still on strike, and it looks like it may be working in their favor. (Al Jazeera)
Feeling funny? Like a good dose of vodka might be the cure? Well kitten, it’s over for the most part. So until next week, when we meet yet again, adieu, adieu.
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[E]Coco Papy
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7 Comments on “News Appetizers: OMG, Mittens, YOU MUST BE JOKING”
Part of me is just giggling so hard about all those single goatee wearing guys I used to know with their Jesus justifies my being a bachelor because yanno, he was never married bumper stickers.
Is it wrong that I thought, “Oh God there go the gas prices again???” I don’t want to minimize the sadness of the event, but oil companies tend to follow Cyrus’s advice to the President in Scandal, “a tragedy is an opportunity.”
I can’t WAIT to see some of my friends freak out about Jesus’s wife. I’m making popcorn.
Also, fuck you, Mittens.
One of the best arguments I’ve (previously) heard for the idea of Jesus having a wife is that being wifeless WAS NEVER MENTIONED. And this was a time period in which him never marrying was strange enough that it would have come up.
Jesus was really only just old enough to be married by their social standards when he died though, so it’s possible him not marrying would have passed without comment. I don’t really have a dog in the fight either way, but if there was any chance of Jesus making babies I have a feeling it would have come up. This is sort of one of those things that people make out to have huge doctrinal importance, but I don’t think actually matters all that much.
I like to think that there is a missing part of papyrus and it is going to say wifes (old biblical spelling) and husbands. Because Jesus loved everyone, you know.
So maybe I find it funny this is news.
Cue, “Take my wife, please,” jokes.
But seriously, folks, it’s a bit sad that Jesus being married could make so many people question everything they ever believed. As a historical figure of his time, it seems a bit odd that he wouldn’t have been married. But anyway…marriage, man.