Yeah, yeah, yeah – last week on Project Runway it was all hearts and flowers, what with no one getting booted off the show. This week, Persephoneers, I expect to see some broken hearts and crushed dreams! Why else do we tune in to reality tee vee? To learn? Pish! I want some insults and tears, and I want them now!
The designers were told by a smug Heidi that they’d have to use their negotiation skills this week in the challenge. They met Tim in the work room. He presided over a table full of craft supplies, such as glitter and thread and crap like that. Elena declared that she hates glitter, because she has no soul. The twist? The designers would have to do their own fundraising to earn the money for to shop at Mood! No doubt this would be fun, what with Elena calling everyone names to get their money, and Shitgobbler Ven telling everyone they were fat and terrible so pay him or something.
No, no – turns out they had to use the craft supplies to decorate t-shirts to sell to the unsuspecting public. Everyone was super pleased by this, of course. Even better? They’d be working in teams of three to sell their sparkley shit and whatnot! “I’m just not looking forward to it, to be honest,” said Shitgobbler Ven. Oh, noes! Because everyone wants to work with you, Sir Sourface Snidebottom Stupidhead the Turd! (Turd/Third? Get it? I’m trying here, folks.)
The teams ended up being Christopher, Sonjia, and Terrible Gunnar (Team Drama Fucking Central, as Sonjia called them); Alicia, Dmitry, and Elena, (Team What Did I Do in My Past Life to Deserve This? as Dmitry called it); and Ven, Melissa, and Fabio (Team At Least I Like Melissa and Fabio, as I call it).
Team WDIDIMPLTDT chose to randomly spray paint the tees and tanks. And it turned out looking like someone randomly spray painted tees and tanks. Team DFC made stencil cutouts of fashioney things (scissors, shoes, etc) and decorated the shirts in these shapes to really cute effect. Team ALILMAF hand-painted tees and totes; they turned out lovely.
Elena, or “Walking Depression,” as Dmitry dubbed her, tried to sell her crappy t-shirts by calling them crappy t-shirts. I titled my first romance novel Uncomfortable Sex Book Featuring Assholes, but that didn’t work for me sales-wise for some reason. Marketing is hard.
Team ALILMAF ended up with $800.48; Team DFC, $684; Team WDIDIMPLTDT, $500. I have to say – I was pretty impressed! Although it’s not too surprising. If a Project Runway cast member approached me on the street with something like this, I’d totally buy one. Unless it was Shitgobbler, in which case I’d just tell him he was one way monkey and flip him the bird. And maybe spit on his shoe.
For the challenge, the teams would stay, and they’d use their hard(?)-earned cash to make two looks for fall. One look must include outerwear. Yay! There are few things I enjoy wearing more than a fabulous coat, unless you count my husband. They both keep me warm! Hey-oooo!
Let us all pour out a shot for Alicia, stuck with who Christopher called “Boris and Natasha.” Team WDIDIMPLTDT had doomed written all over it. Dmitry explained to Tim that he was going to put outside darts on his dress. As in – darts to the outside, instead of the inside. This was me:
“So they’re like buttresses,” said Tim. Um, yeah. There might be a way to make this work, but on a black dress, it’ll just look like a messy mistake in my mind, and add bulk exactly where you’re trying to remove it.
In non-bizarro world, Team ALILMAF’s Shitgobbler Ven was making a color-block blouse with a multi-layer skirt, and positively twitching that there was no folded rose in sight. Sonjia called his “fan-effect” skirt a yawn moment. You said it, lady. Tim said the skirt stood out – badly – not really going with the coat and dress the team had designed. So with grumbling and bumbling, Shitgobbler changed it.
The show proceeded apace. Dmitry said of Natasha: “To kill the witch, we need a silver bullet and a wooden stick.” Christopher said of Natasha: “I wish we had a horse tranquilizer.” Meanwhile, Elena talked so much shit about everyone, the inside of her mouth turned brown, and her teeth looked like little undigested kernels of corn.
Finally, the camera turned away from the black hole of hate that is Elena’s mouth and showed us the runway. The guest judge was fashion designer Anna Sui! Neato!
Look 1: I adored the neckline of Dmitry’s black, long-sleeve dress – striking, original, sexy without revealing much. The triangle, fringey shawl really just old-ladied up the thing unnecessarily. But the outside darts. THE OUTSIDE DARTS. They looked like gills or something on the poor moddle. Flaps of skin left over from a tummy tuck. Nope, no, nada, icky-poo-poo, do not want. When it looks more like a mistake than a “design feature,” it’s a bad idea. This could have been so wonderful, but weirdo decisions just plain ruined it. Nina said the shawl looked “old lady” and like it didn’t belong with the dress.
Look 2: I hated Elena’s long light grey on dark grey coat. It looked like Rorschach from The Watchmen, and I, personally, would not cosplay that way. I am just not a lady who wants to look bulky, especially in a coat, which is bulky to begin with. The collar did not stand up, making the thing look wilted in addition to too large. Alicia’s pale pink, v-neck sweater underneath appeared to be shapeless and large on the model, too. The pants were ye olde standard skinny pants, the only pants to ever exist, apparently. All in all – two big thumbs down. Nina said the volume of the coat (which looked just like all of Elena’s coats) appeared to be a mistake, and that the piece screamed “inexpensive”. Kors said it looked like she sewed it with her feet. He went on to blow a raspberry at the pants and top by Alicia, calling them boring. Heidi said they were throwaway.
On the runway, Boris and Natasha argued, of course. Dmitry said to Elena, “You always make coffins that don’t move.” Ha! That is so freaking true! I nominate Dmitry to narrate every PR from now on. He is always so spot on! Anna said that their arguments and rancor showed in the clothing – that people want to buy joy, not anger.
Look 1: What a sight for sore eyes after the mess from the previous team. I looooved Sonjia’s angular army-green, hip-length coat. It fitted the model beautifully, nipped in at the waist, and *gasp* looked flattering. The pointed bits on the front and back matched the triangle flap on the closure well. It was a little “forest sprite,” and I would rather buy it in a different color, but hey. Terrible Gunnar’s camel dress with dark paneling at the hips was sporty and sexy – a good foil for the coat and did help it not be quite so Robin Hood. Kors said they managed to make elevated sportswear. Heidi called Sonjia’s jacket “exquisite.” Nina called that piece “sharp,” noting that it hit the model perfectly in the back, right above the bum.
Look 2: Christopher’s camel sleeveless mohair coat confuzzled me. I enjoyed the stand-up collar and single, diagonal lapel, but the waist was not great – he relied on the belt to cinch the shape rather than tailoring, leaving a bit of a crinkly mess. One side of the hem came up much higher than the other, and at first I wasn’t into it, but it grew on me. Terrible Gunnar’s dress underneath was gorgeous. He mixed brown tweed with chocolate leather to wonderful effect, giving it a sleek strip of leather down the center front and at the ends of the sleeves, and nubby tweed all around it in a sleek, fitted, long-sleeved shape. When the coat was opened, it lost all its shape and resembled a monk’s robe sans sleeves. The judges loved this coat way more than I did, which means they’re wrong. Who do they think they are – fashion legends?!
Look 1: Cute-ish and sporty. I think Tim and the team saved Shitgobbler Ven by making him change his petal-shit-whatever skirt and replace it with a swishy, pleated affair that matched so much better with the soft, petal-pink blouse and Melissa’s structured white leather cropped jacket. (Okay, what the F is with these teams ALL picking the SAME DAMN COLORS all the time? Last week, blue – this week, pink. GEEZ!) The skirt was too long, though, rendering it drabber than it needed to be. The hem of the shirt was messy – wish someone had tucked that sucker in. I enjoyed the styling of pink socks with heels. What?! I like that! Although, as a short lady, it looks crappy on me. Harrumph. Nina enjoyed the white jacket. Heidi, too, who said this team’s collection was her least favorite, except for that jacket. She said the rest was sad and washed out.
Look 2: Nope. This looks like what I lounge in on the day before I get my period, when I’m so bloated I actually sign my name Bloatey the Wonder Hormone. Nope. The pink stretch jersey top matched her skin color too closely, and was too long, giving the vibe an F as in “frump.” Fabio’s coat was a too-large, too-floppy, too-boring thing I’d find at the Goodwill on sale in the “Grandma’s estate” section. If you’ve got a shirt (Fabio) that is blah and tight brown pants (Shitgobbler) that make even a model look like a poop sausage, then your coat needs to have some oomph. My PMS outfits require 80% more rainbows and/or monkey toe socks. Nina said the blouse was too tight. Of Ven’s awful pants, Kors said, “Something should have been in that crotch that a girl doesn’t have.” He said the mohair coat was full grandma house coat with Kleenex in the pocket.
Team DFC won (Sonjia, Christopher, Terrible Gunnar) and no freaking wonder. Why all this drab, shapeless crap, designers? Coats should be snazzy and fun! Not look like you’re an extra from Fiddler on the Roof after they’re evicted from their village. The individual dinner was Sonjia! Yay! Glad to see her on top again after a couple of shaky weeks.
The judge sent Alicia home, for boring up the boring to the point of zzzzzzzzz.
So tell me, Persephoneers: Are you Team Boris or Team Natasha?