I hope you have coffee, Persephoneers. After the snooze-worthy clothes of last week, we might need a caffeine pump to get through Fashion Week with Project Runway. I hope you enjoy the color black and/or whatever Fabio has made, which appears to be what happens when a time-traveling patchouli truck crashes into a Mormon sister-wife compound.
All four of our designers would show at fashion week, and spent the beginning of the episode fixing all the flaws (so many flaws!) the judges pointed out last episode. Fabio needed luxe, Dmitri needed youth, Melissa needed to be less black (a critique I find to be very racist), and Christopher needed to be less terrible. They got a trip to Mood and $300 more buckolas to improve their mediocreness. Christopher spent this first part whining a lot about how dare anyone not consider him to be amazing, and boo hoo he couldn’t find anything at Mood. You know, who the F goes into the PR finale NOT knowing they’re probably going to have to make another outfit?! I’d have designed that shit weeks ago and whipped it out when needed. So to speak.
Dmitry decided to do this silver leaf ombre on the back of the models’ hair. Erm, okay. Tim was concerned. I was concerned. If you need robot hair to amp up your clothes, you have already failed, and I didn’t think Dmitry had failed. Christopher kept making and making and making new clothes, just muddling everything. Fabio took the judges’ critiques and embraced them, giving Tim goosebumps with his new pieces. Hmmmmmmm said the blogger, still skeptical.
The day of the runway show, they arrived at Car Sponsor Fashion Week, the corporate-iest fashion extravaganza in America, except for Topical Cream Sponsor Fashion Week, which is lesser known. Backstage, Dmitry’s moddles were too busy getting silver-fingered to get dressed. Oops. One of Christopher’s gowns was too long for the moddle to walk in, so it tore and he freaked out and blamed her and whined whined whined some more. Oops. Melissa’s new blood orange gown fit perfectly and she didn’t freak out. Oop– I mean, nice!
And now… on to the runway! Where our guest judge was Jennifer Hudson, noted fashion… um, whatever, she’s famous. But she showed up to the judging in an all-green pantsuit, appearing to have skinned Kermit in the name of questionable fashion.
(I’m going to recommend that, if you didn’t watch the show, you mosey on over to lifetime.com to see the complete collections. I’ll be picking and choosing what I blarg about. ‘Twill be the best and worst, obvs, because we’re bitches and enjoy tearing down the hopes and dreams of tee vee persons.)
Christopher said his show was about deconstruction and reconstruction.
I rather liked his initial look, although I didn’t find it groundbreaking – a sheer burgundy done in the flat folds at which he excels, paired with a slit up to HERE leather skirt. Modern board room warrior. A snakeskin (?) leather cropped jacket followed, atop a black dress which was notable for its lack of noteableness – a danger of putting so much damn black on the runway. His crappy last-episode looks made a re-snoozepearance. Four looks in, and I’m thinking I’m looking at a show for colorblind district managers at Ross. Finally, we saw one of his new looks – and it popped for the basic reason of it had a color. Navy trench (not amazing, but not embarrassing) over a shiny, copper straight mini. This was followed by a dowdy as fuck Chico’s catalog special – black leather ruffle vest over high-waisted burgundy taper pants. (1) Yes, it looked as horrid as it sounded.
Next, his X-ray print in a sleeveless top, with simultaneously too-tight and too-loose taper high-waist pants. Jebus, I can’t even believe I had to type that. Awful. He did a pretty navy jacket (fold-look style) with a wide belt, and fuchsia and black skinny pants. (2) Where the hell did those come from? They looked like an ’80s Dynasty couch, and the color story was out of the blue, er, fuchsia. This weirdness was followed by a refreshingly-passable one-shoulder dress in the x-ray print. (3) Last came the one real win for the entire collection – a spectacular gown in the fold technique, which looked tattered and ruffled all at one, ombre from dusky purple on top to black on the bottom. (4) We’ve seen this before from him, but it was a sight for sore eyes anyhow. Except for when the model turned around, and the layers of fabric DID NOT LINE UP. This is supposed to be COUTURE, MOTHERFUCKER! If he wins with this bullshit, I will eat my blogger hat, which is currently a cat. Don’t ask.
Kors called the first look a “kaboom.” He said the end gown was pretty, but that it didn’t belong with the rest of the collection. Jennifer loved the first skirt – she wanted to buy that baby. Heidi loved the one-shoulder dress, calling it sleek and stunning. Nina said he pushed himself to give them a hard edge, but that she wished he’d done more romance. They said he was all over the place.
Melissa’s collection explored death to life, which she said was fitting for Spring. Deep!
The first look was the cropped cream, large-collar jacket from last episode, with the cuffs ruthlessly chopped off as per Queen Nina. She paired it with a tunic or a skirt – couldn’t tell. Pants or tights? Who knows. Kids today! Youths, the blogger grumbled as she drank her nutrients. Next came a sleeveless black sack-like maxi dress with a useless vest in crackle white leather on top. Made me think of hipsters, and I took another sip of my Ensure. I enjoyed the pops of blood orange in the envelope bags the models carried. A high-neck black tunic topped a sexy slit black skirt, made interesting by a wrapped around and around electric blue belt. The skirt came to mid-calf, a nearly impossible length for most of us. This neckline is a Melissa thing, and I like it.
Finally, we came to a look I loved. A dark blue swimsuit, shiny and almost wet-looking, piped in black. She paired it with a black mesh, hooded cover up. (1) That feeling didn’t last long. More hipster nonsense followed – white floaty tunic, black leather vest, drop-crotch black shiny pants. (2) No. Ugh. No. Next came a very sexy black, sleeveless dress with a white cutout in back. My favorite part of this slinky number was the pretty open side boob. Don’t forget your Hollywood tape! Next was a white, leather dress with a waist cutout and opposing one-sleeve. It was refreshing, for it had the look of design to it, and not Urban Outfitters catalog. (3) A white shorts outfit after that, topped by a cool white crackle cropped leather jacket, belly-baring black peek-a-book blouse, and some red thing I don’t know lots of layers. Her gown was long, white, side-booby – and much too tight at the bottom. The poor model looked ridic hobbling down the runway. The best part was a slitted black insert between the shoulder blades. The showstopper came last, and made most recently – a blood orange, badass leather gown with Melissa high-collar and a slashing, diagonal hemline. (4) I loved this.
I felt like I’ve seen most of it before, with the exception of the last look.
Kors said she understands how a girl wants to look. He loved the wrinkled leather, but questioned the dress that the model could not walk in. Heidi said she gave them a little tough chick, much like herself. Nina said there was coolness with her clothes, and that they were sexy without being slutty.
Dmitry came next, looking sexy as hell in tight, black leather pants, and I’m not much for the Loki/Snape type of guy. Bonus points! He said he was inspired by organic architecture.
He began the show with the cream cutouts dress from last episode. It was followed by a cropped jacket also done in the triangular cutouts, paired with a shiny black skirt. The sleeves had extra room at the elbows, like his “avant-garde” look did. Did anyone else notice that this model walked without moving her arms? She looked like Lurch at a lunch date. Next, sheer top and cream pants we already saw. An amazing little dress shimmied by next. (1) Done in the diamond-pattern he used for the collection, it had a banded neck, sheer panel over the collarbone, a zig-zag sheer bit at the waist, and leather fringe above the knees. Now, I don’t love this fabric (it’s just not me), but this dress was fabulous.
I kept saying “ugh” to my kitty at what I saw after. Diamond-print jacket with black leather fringe sleeves. Ugh. Sheer top. Ugh. Shiny, slinky, black harem pants with wads of fabric at the hips. UUUGGGGHHHH. Another palate cleanser swished by – lemon yellow straight skirt with sexy, asymmetrical black bodice. The skirt came to a nice point in center back. Next came a shiny black dress Susan Lucci would have loved to lose an Emmy in in 1988. (2) One-sleeve (with shoulder pad), faux wrap, pleats and ruffles, and a very weird, tacked in sheer panel straight across the crotch slit. WUT. My eyes stopped burning when a lovely yellow dress with side cutouts followed. (3) The best part? Sleeves made of silver beads. Gorgeous. A one-sleeved molten silver dress came next, slinky and rich-looking and fabulous. The last halter gown was amazing – black illusion net for the bodice and hips, ending in faux feathers made of strips of net and sequins. (4) The styling of the models left them all with giant eyebrows that made them appear surprised, and slicked back hair that gave them the look of alarmed elves.
I loved half his collection, and winced at the rest. He’s the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of fashion. But it was made per-fect-ly. Bitch can SEW. And 54 minutes in I finally saw something I wouldn’t be angry at if it won.
The judges loved it. Kors called them “impeccably made,” and said they looked expensive. Nina adored the fringed jacked and the harem pant, calling it modern and cool. And she thought the yellow dress with beading was sexy, and that most of the looks were highly editorial. Jennifer said, “It’s rich, honey.”
Get ready for “cosmic tribalism,” everyone. God bless you, Fabio. You are a lovely, lovely, kind man, but…
I would like to know what cosmic weeds the tribe is smoking. The first look made me want to light up and run away to the commune to meet my four husbands. (Hey, if I’m gonna be in a cult…) I liked the shorts done in shades of blue vertical stripes. Hated the sheer cream top over the blue bralet, and useless cream smocky vest. Really hated the beige hoof shoes. Next, the blue bedsheet mess and crop top/skirt we saw last ep. The fourth look I actually… didn’t detest? (1) (The drugs are kicking in! Praise Xenu!) It looked like the morning sky over a desert and floated shimmery around her… only to be crapped on by the craft project, pokey necklace. A floaty cream number followed it. I enjoyed the draping, but the plain color faded after seeing the similar dress in color.
I know my friend Xanadudie (who comments here) will LOL at the next look – CULOTTES. (2) She went to Christian school, see, and wore many a culotte in the day. These were just as heinous, done in floaty cream over hoof shoes. The shiny, see-through cream top looked like another blouse’s liner over a blue bra, as if the real bodice abandoned it, screaming, “Culottes should have stayed in the 80s!” After that LULZ, a beige, shiny tunic and cream pants, like what a fashioney grandma would wear shopping with her gal pals from the home. Next, layers of pink, shapeless vests over a pink tie-dye bra, over a floaty beige skirt and pants in a different shade of beige. (3) Is she running away from the commune in multiple layers because she didn’t have time to pack before the leader decided she would become his child bride? Gotta travel light before you end up on a woman binder. The next dress was a beauty in a white slipper satin, but, again, cheapened up by the terrible plastic jewelry.
“Commune by night” appeared, a white shiny bathrobe over a pink nightgown. (4) Slumber party-like and weird when paired with a necklace made out of the clear, holed plastic you use in purse-making projects to make the bottom stiff. And you’re also wearing pants because why not? This, apparently, was the gown or whatever. The end. Let us all praise The Leader and eat our gruel laced with ‘shrooms. Even though I poked fun at this collection, what I really appreciated was the color. You can see SO much detail when everything isn’t fucking black.
Heidi loved, loved, loved it, calling it ethereal, fluid, fresh. Nina said he listened to their critiques, and that there was an easiness to the clothes. Kors was impressed with the use of the Jordan almond colors. He said the looks were different, but that they could be interpreted into real life. (I agree with this – as is, too much for me, but some individual pieces were doable in the actual world.) Jennifer loved the colors, and they made her happy.
It came down to Dmitry and Fabio.
And the winner
And I 100% agree. Even though they loved Fabio’s collection, it wasn’t mainstream enough to represent the Project Runway brand.
What do you think? Would you parade in Fabio’s pajamas and think I’m a dunderhead? Was Melissa robbed? Tell me in the comments!Related
Latest posts by Lucy Woodhull (see all)
- Man Candles: For the Man Who Mans While Needin’ to Smell Man Stuff - June 11, 2014
- A Completely True Biography of Neil deGrasse Tyson - May 1, 2014
- How to Make Friends as an Adult - April 17, 2014