‘Tis the Season! For Me to Snark about Christmas Music

The near constant stream of holiday music EVERYWHERE has reached its apex. And that means that I’ve gone from being able to tune it out (at the grocery store, mall, dentist’s office, bar – even bars play Christmas music on a loop) and have now begun hearing EVERY. SINGLE. LYRIC.

And some of those lyrics are very, very weird.

So in the spirit of Christmas Snark (which is like Christmas Cheer, except for not being like it at all, other than that it’s also seasonal), I offer some of the most ridiculous holiday music lyrics of all time.

“In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he is Parson Brown. He’ll say, ‘Are you married?’ We’ll say, ‘No, man. But you can do the job when you’re in town.’” (Winter Wonderland)

Is this something that would ever happen? Imagine this scenario: you’re on a walk with Bob, maybe Bob’s your friend, maybe he’s your fella, regardless, you come upon a snow covered field and Bob says to you, “Hey, I’ve got an idea, now hear me out, let’s make a snow clergy and then stage a fake wedding here in this field! Is that something you’d be into?” “Umm…”

And why is the couple planning this sham snow wedding saying to the parson, “Hey, man, you can do this wedding when you’re in town.” First of all, I think it’s just a tad disrespectful to refer to this snow pastor as “man”, second, “when he’s in town?” You just crafted him out of snow! He’s not going anywhere, you didn’t even give him legs. I’m pretty sure he can officiate your creepy snow wedding any time.

Winter Wonderland is a pretty bizarre song all around, here’s another memorable snippet, “Later on we’ll conspire, as we dream by the fire, to face unafraid, the plans that we’ve made…”

This totes sounds like a couple of people planning a hit on a family member. Just how scary is your family? I realize many people find Christmas a bit stressful, but you should be able to face your holiday without engaging in a conspiracy and/or being frightened of your holiday plans.

“Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling too.” (Sleigh Ride)

Is ring-ting-tingling substantially different from jingling? Because if not, I find this lyric redundant.

“Do they know it’s Christmas time at all?” (Wow, what a mind diamond. Brought to us by the famed superband, Band Aid. Certainly one of Spandau Ballet’s finest collaborations.)

Do they know it’s Christmas? Well, that depends, are we talking about a culture in which people even really celebrate Christmas? Because if not, then, no, I don’t think, regardless of their circumstances, they’re paying that much attention to whether it’s Christmas.

Another bit of Band Aid brand heavy handedness – “The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life.” (Do They Know It’s Christmas)

Yeah, me too. I mean, I really want a new pair of boots but I’m not willing to die for them. My life is still more awesome than even the most awesome boots, so yeah, life will be my best Christmas present also.

“Ah-ah-ah-oooooh, Mer-ry Christmas, Christmas comes this time each year.” (Little Saint Nick by the Beach Boys)

Yes, Christmas does come this time each year. It doesn’t move around like Ramadan or Easter, it’s always December 25. I think most people who celebrate it know that.

“Logs on the fire fill me with desire.” (Merry Christmas, Darling by The Carpenters)

 Oh dear.

“Santa baby, a ’54 convertible, too, light blue.” (Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt)

First of all, I’m not really comfortable with Eartha’s relationship with Santa. Second, a ’54 convertible what? Be specific. I hope Santa brings Eartha a ’54 convertible Monterey station wagon. Or how about a ’54 convertible lounge chair. That would teach her to provide some relevant detail.

“Ding dong, ding dong, that is their song.” (Carol of the Bells)

If you’ve resorted to just singing onomatopoeia of the sounds that the instrument the song is about makes, then your song probably doesn’t need lyrics. Let’s just let those bells do the work.

Chuck Klosterman once said that Carol of the Bells sounds like 19th century serial killer music. I concur.

“Pa rum pum pum pum. Rum pum pum pum. Rum pum pum pum.” (Little Drummer Boy)

Another onomatopoeia fail. Drums don’t sound like that.

“O Christmas tree, o Christmas tree, thy leaves are so unchanging.” (O Christmas Tree, oder O Tannenbaum, auf Deutsch)

Well, thy leaves were so unchanging, Christmas tree, that is, until we admired them so much that we decided to cut thine down and let thy leaves turn brown in our living room. And actually, thy leaves were never leaves, they were needles all along.

Back to Winter Wonderland, “In the meadow we can build a snowman, and pretend that he’s a circus clown…”

Let me just stop you right there. This lyric is going to end in a snowy bloodbath of a horror movie, and that horror movie’s title is Dead of Winter or maybe Cold Dead Hands. The only thing scarier than a regular clown is a murderous snowclown.

“My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious.” (Baby, It’s Cold Outside)

This song reminds us that unmarried women CANNOT be trusted. It says, “Hey, we know what you’re up to, all ye women of an age where society has decided it’s no longer acceptable for you to be uncoupled, you’re up to vicious, vicious trouble!”

So ladies, why not let that pushy fella peer pressure you into staying, even though you’ve stressed that you “really CAN’T stay,” because it is awfully cold outside, and it’s even colder in your maiden aunt’s bed, and that’s where you’re headed if you don’t find a mans. #facepalm #BIGfacepalm

Christmas music is weird, but don’t let that spoil your good time, happy holidays from your neighborhood Buster!

O Christmas tree, sweet Christmas tree, I’m going to murder you. Slowly.

8 thoughts on “‘Tis the Season! For Me to Snark about Christmas Music”

  1. I always liked Carol of the Bells BECAUSE it’s so creepy. Even as a little kid, I liked it because it wasn’t ridiculously cheery like all the other annoying christmas songs.

    Then again, Count von Count was also my favorite Sesame Street character and I liked Sleeping Beauty because of Maleficent.

    This probably explains a lot about me and how twisted I am…

  2. The one that I never understood was, “But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?” (Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer). Why no, I don’t remember the most famous reindeer, but I can remember all those other reindeer with the rhyming names?

    Never made much sense to me.

  3. I’m chortling with glee in my janitor’s closet at work. (It’s actually a small room. I’m not in a wardrobe type piece of furniture, although THAT would be funny…) There is so much to make fun of in Christmas music.

    I agree that Carol of the Bells sounds creepy. It’s fun to sing in a group because of the overlapping parts, but it’s hella scary sounding.

    Continuing with the scary/creepy Christmas music, there is a line in The Most Wonderful Time of the Year (not sure that’s the name of the song) that talks about telling scary ghost stories. Is this a tradition people actually do this time of year? Maybe they are ghost stories about the homicidal snow clowns.

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